Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2014, at 16:06:36
In reply to Re: the natural order, posted by alexandra_k on February 1, 2014, at 17:52:12
been feeling this horrible... gnawing... scratchy feeling. have been getting to the gym over the past couple days, and that certainly is giving me some respite, but not really fixing things up the way it sometimes does.
i think it is a bunch of stuff just sort of... grinding at me. wearing me down...
everything is just turning out to be so very much more of a mission than it needs to be. like renewing my passport... the system not accepting the photo... so my trying to get internal affairs to take a look and upload it because there was nothing wrong with it (and i couldn't face another trip back to the photo store - so very hard to muster up the... whatever... to get it done in the first place). so the whole thing drags out over a couple weeks...
then about here... it is sorted now. i can stay in my room and they have even moved my contract over to the cheaper rate. so, perfect, really. but took a few days to sort that... and half a day to understand the rent account... the way they bill things etc etc... basically... they make us be / stay HEAPS in advance. which is fine by me. good security / enforced savings for me. but a little tricky to maneuver things into their appropriate state in the first place...
i think mostly what is getting to me is not having heard anything about whether i have a place in the foundations program or not... i've just kept myself enrolled in bio-med for now. hoping to collect anything they put up as online resources while i'm enrolled... helping me get a head start over next summer... but i need to enroll in the alternative courses i will take if i don't get into foundations... before they fill up and i'm well and truly screwed...
i don't know what to do about the math. i don't have an alternative plan. i... can't think of one. i'm... about 85% of the way through year 6 (about 8 skills to go, i think) and about 20% of something through year 7. which is... intermediate. about age... 11. so.... still not even ready for high school. sigh. mostly... okay. need to get my times tables more automatic... freeing up cognitive resources for other stuff... mostly okay. good progress actually, yeah. just a bit demoralized that often times it feels so slow.
and probably a lot demoralized that i work best at home in my room... which means i basically only get out to get to the gym. this is why my view helps a lot... helps me feel connected / part of things but enough distance (13 floors) to feel safely stowed away from it.
i guess i was really looking forward to summer school and then it didn't work out... seems like doing what i'm doing is the most productive use of my time, really.
i have to do my annual report for my phd. i'm dreading that. absolutely dreading it. i don't entirely know why. if anybody understands they will. it is my opportunity to think about / narrate / get clear on what has gone on for me over this last year. i need to remind myself... i am not a bad person. i am not a lazy slacker. i do not need to feel like a little weasel who is making up stories or casting about for excuses... but part of me feels a bit like this... like people will roll their eyes and be like 'and here she goes AGAIN'. and of course... i really don't think people view it that way. i'm just being... my own worst enemy. and i feel afraid.
and of course this year i have stuff to say... about how the sensory processing issues that screwed me over... well, about how they think i'm on the autistic spectrum. about how i'm getting accommodations for that and it is making my life a lot better. about how i need to study something here...
i don't know if it is possible for me to ... just give them my thesis when it is bloody well done. for them to.. not require me to do annual reports and stuff.. maybe it will be 5 years and maybe it will be 10. it might be when i'm retired ffs. but can't i just get it to them when i'm able? when i feel like i've got something worth saying / worth submitting? that was how things used to be... before degree factory... before... why can't it be like that again?
i don't know.
but it is making me feel yucky. and from here... it was bad of me to not have gotten to this phd socializing thing here from this end.... i'm just really bad at doing social stuff that requires effort. because the effort... brings on panic... if it is more spontaneous i don't have the opportunity to get myself wound up into a state about it... anyway.. emails from them about how i should have visiting status... blah.. there is a subtext i don't entirely understand. that i'm welcome? i appreciate that. that there is an expectation that i go? i feel ambivalent about that. i don't think they expect it of their own... so i don't suspect it is about that... i think they are reassuring me i'm welcome... even if i do foundations... that is nice of them. it is always possible that i'll bomb out. trying to do math / science. i mean... i won't. but nice for that pressure to be somewhat lifted.
dread...
i think i was taken off mailing lists etc too... but just been put back on... i don't entirely know. i don't entirely know what to say.
i don't have anyone to talk to. the guy from mental health... said he would email me in a couple weeks and then he didn't. so i emailed him a reply and quoted him saying that and was like 'yeah, right'. and he got back with me to have an appointment with this other person.... just stalling me... drawing things out for as long as possible... pissing about... pissing about... sigh. i'll see how it goes. maybe i will ask to see the doc after all. i'll see how this goes. i feel... i need someone to help me process some of the academic demands i have on me. i need someone who... understands the nature of the academic demands for them to have any hope in understanding what is likely going on in these situations that are unclear to me. so they can help me figure the range of appropriate responses or something like that. or help me figure appropriate ways in which i can seek clarification about what is expected / required of me or whatever. little help, people. but they keep assigning me to people who... are grossly unsuited to working with me.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140129/msgs/1060284.html