Posted by alexandra_k on February 17, 2014, at 22:50:04
In reply to Re: happy happy-ish, posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2014, at 22:43:45
that is why i came here, i remember. that is why i moved back to nz, i mean. for a better life. and it was better. given that my life in aussie had become about working as many functions hours as i was offered in order to pay back rent arrers (and getting in the hand less than my phd scholarship paid even though i could hardly walk at the end of most days). even though the gym was amazing... most of it was focused on rehab so i could walk well enough to do my shift the following day... even though the intellectual community there was amazing i couldn't attend most things because i was too busy working functions shifts / doing rehab / feeling totally demoralized after having my work ripped into because people treat me like i'm senior professor when i don't even have a book deal with OUP or tenure already. ffs.
so a better life it was in not having to work functions. in being able to spend time in the gym... focused on doing whatever i wanted. not focused on doing enough to get me through work i needed to do in order to survive. but having basic survival rate fixed at around $60... which was only enough to survive off of farmers market... and supermarket coffee... and minced beef protein... given the protein requirements of my training... not enough to transport me into the city or anything to socialize with friends...
then moving to aut for a better intellectual community (apparently). for a... future... and again, i didn't need to work functions so that freed up gym for training rather than rehab... which is... a better life in a sense... but still... not having a quiet environment in which i could do focused reading or study... noise noise noise noise f*ck*ng noise everywhere. and anti-intellectualism f*ck*ng everywhere. intolerance... purposeful obstructiveness... of my trying to learn....
and was that a better life? it is f*ck*ng hard to say.
and now... i love my room. i mean... it is f*ck*ng tiny... but it is... everything i need. with respect to things i value the most / things that are most important to me... it is everything i need. it is perfect in some minimal sense of being everything i need. most everything else in this world... is a bunch of frills that i do not need. this is simply everything i need. and nothing else, really. but everything i do need. and more... or not. that is hard to say. i mean... in a sense... my view is amazing. i can see the main landmarks of auckland. so it is something to write home about. something... extra... in some sense. but in another sense... the outlook lends a spaciousness that makes what honestly can't be more than 13 square meters... liveable. in a way that doesn't feel cramped. i can hear people in other units... but we have self contained units. it isn't like they are making noises in an attempt to lure me into communal spaces... because there simply aren't any on my floor. just a bunch of people living their lives...
which is... what i had at anu. but i don't need to time my visits to the bathroom around cleaners. so better than. and i don't need to use kitchen at 3am. so... better than. and the intellectual community here is different... philosophy... i have a home. i do. and it is a wonderful launch space / home base for me as i venture out... and see what happens... in a very scarey way. no... a Very Scary Way.
the gym here has turned out to be f*ck*ng amazing. the best gym i've ever been to. better than the anu. honestly. and that is saying a lot, because that was the best gym i'd ever been to. people have started oly lifting in ernest since they have been seeing me... damn them... better than me already...
i seem to inspire others...
but i have no natural ability whatsoever ahahahaha.
i tried to enroll in a sport science course today. one that was all *warning you better have done math and science at school because otherwise you are f*ck*d* and it clashes with chemistry... i only tried because my experience at weltec.... maybe i have enough background / familiarity with the non-math / sci / particularly physics stuff to be able to do alright.... maybe...
clashes clashes everywhere... which is par for the course apparently...
i think... i've come home. worst case (potentially not worst case at all) i do sport science here...
there is surely a lot of sense in specialist knowledge not being so very important when it comes to some kind of general smarts... i mean... the sports sci people here are smart... and that means rather a lot, actually. maybe... that will turn out to be my home, after all. ... who knows.
i am starting to feel that actually i do have a better life here. not because the functions work was ruining my loafing (actually my gym training). but because i wasn't feeling like a productive member of the (philosophical) community. my gym training felt like... loafing. i want... my passions to be the foundation of my career / productivity. that needs to be the case.... i feel like... there is the potential for that here. for that to happen. in a way that is intellectual stimulating for me as well (which i surely need, i've learned).
i feel... like here... my life is better. certainly the potential to be... but in some sense... is there already. is better. in a way i never really felt it was before... since moving...
the only thing not quite there yet is $$$. i don't think i'm being greedy at all... but it has been 5 years or so... more?? since each pay (each 2 weeks) i could invest in a single item of clothing that was sorta important... or a bunch of minor stuff (socks or underwear) or save for a couple pays to get something major... i've had literally NOTHING for, like, 5 years... mostly nothing for, like 7... 10??? ffs... hobo look... there comes a point where one needs clothes to buy clothes... and just feeling like a f*ck*ng human being... but having the clothes to go out and f*ck*ng have the courage to even try stuff on etc... has become a major problem / source of stress / something i can't afford anyway situation... then events... and gym gear not really being appropariate...
nearly there...
grading work will fix it. if that pulls through for me.
and it seems likely that it will..
in which case: better life. i have. which makes me feel loyal to this country. i would like to be... if it is feasible... and i don't have f*ck*ng high hopes / expectations. not in the international scheme of things... and so... we will see...
but i would like to stay here.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1058481
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140129/msgs/1060815.html