Posted by alexandra_k on July 19, 2005, at 20:41:54 [reposted on July 22, 2005, at 0:51:26 | original URL]
In reply to Thanks everyone again » Jen Star, posted by pinkeye on July 19, 2005, at 20:16:19
> I don't know if I ever will have the courage to leave a marriage.. It needs lot of strength and courage and kind of liking myself to be able to do it, and I don't have all that.
The funny thing is that it doesn't have to be a categorical imperitive. You don't have to leave. It just needs to be hypothetical - IF you keep hitting me THEN I will leave, so I suggest you work on figuring out ways of dealing with your sh*t so that you won't be hitting me anymore.But the force of that... Only works if you can deliver unpleasant consequences if he chooses to keep hitting you. An alternative might be possible... How about couples councelling? He probably won't like that... That might be enough of a deterrant.
I do worry for you.
I worry because it is indeed more culturally accepted in India for husbands to get away with whatever and wives are expected to just deal with that. I have heard of 4 or 5 people meeting people from India, marrying them, and going back there to live. They were hit occasionally in NZ. When they returned to India the situation got much worse. It was hard because their husbands could be really sweet and sensitive and kind at other times.Its just about seeing that he really does appreciate that it is unacceptable.
Not that he is all sweet to you afterwards.
But that he is making an honest effort to stop it.
Until you get that reassurance
(only time will tell with respect to whether his behaviour improves)
Then you really do have no assurance that the situation won't get worse if you go off to india.I'm sorry.
Please forgive me if I'm just upsetting you...
I'm just concerned.
I don't want you to end up having kids
End up having to watch him hit your kids
End up trapped.
More literally trapped than you feel at present...You do have huge issues with self-esteem...
Sometimes it isn't so much that one has to get better there BEFORE one can do certain things.
Sometimes it is that one has to do something really really hard IN ORDER to improve ones self-esteem.Sounds like your friend quite likes to feel better than you...
And that keeps you feeling like everyone in the world is better than you.
Sounds like your husband thinks its ok to hit you...
And that keeps you thinking that you don't deserve any better in your life.Putting a stop to sh*t like that is precisely how one comes to taking positive steps towards having self esteem and respect for oneself.
Really.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:531323
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050627/msgs/531358.html