Posted by Tamar on June 23, 2005, at 14:47:03
In reply to Guilt guilt guilt, should I let it take me down?, posted by maggie1970 on June 23, 2005, at 13:35:08
Hello maggie,
I read your post and the one thing I don’t quite understand is why you feel so much guilt. Do you know why you might feel so guilty?
This is what I understood from your post. You met a person; you became friends with him. Like all genuine friendships, you discussed your personal lives. Your friend’s marriage was deeply unhappy. Your friend tried every possible way of resolving his marriage problems but his wife was unwilling to give him what he needed. Their marriage was certainly over before you met him, even though they’re not yet divorced.
His friendship-love for you has deepened into something romantic. You seem to love him too. For a very long time his needs have not been met; but now, here you are making him happy. What’s to feel guilty about?
Is it that you hold yourself responsible for the breakdown of his marriage? I can’t believe it could be your fault. There are three things that might have happened that I can imagine you might feel guilty about:
1. If you thought he was attracted to you while he was still married you might feel guilty.
2. If you were attracted to him while he was still married you might feel guilty.
3. If you were intimate or flirtatious with him while he was still married you might feel guilty.If he was attracted to you, well, welcome to the world of men. Lots of men feel attracted to lots of women lots of the time. It is not a leading cause of marital breakdown; if it were, no one would bother to get married.
If you were attracted to him, well, that’s just part of being a woman. Just like men notice women, women notice men. It’s basic biology and nothing to be ashamed of. Mere attraction is not enough to cause a divorce.
Even if you were intimate or flirtatious with him, I would still argue that it wasn’t your fault his marriage broke up. The reason for the breakup was that he and his wife wanted different things, but he showed the depth of his commitment to his marriage by trying everything to keep it together. I don’t think you could have caused the breakup even if you’d tried! (Of course I’m not saying that I think you tried.)
I really think your guilt is misplaced. I find it impossible to believe you are a wicked person; quite the contrary, I think it is wonderful that you are able to give this man the affection he’s been missing for so long. There is no way they will get back together; she doesn’t want him and I doubt he would want to go back to a loveless marriage.
He did everything he could have done to save his marriage, but she didn’t want him. You both deserve some happiness. Why not find it with each other?
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:517536
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050531/msgs/517550.html