Posted by octopusprime on November 1, 2004, at 11:12:12
In reply to Re: Just discovered my SI is using illegal drugs-HELP » octopusprime, posted by sunny10 on November 1, 2004, at 10:36:33
sunny - i think i understand where you're coming from a bit more clearly now. i was ambiguous and lacked detail in the first post i made to you. let me add some more details.
i am a recreational drug user now, i was a very heavy user before. i have been in relationships with casual users, heavy users, former users. and this is the experience i come to the table with.
it seems like the issue is about the drugs. the drugs are the just the catalyst, though ... it seems to me that this is about TRUST.
i think you are being totally rational to be scared of drugs. if you have issues with depression and anxiety, surely you understand how fragile the brain chemistry is and how dangerous it can be to muck with it.
these are your core values and beliefs. can you live with your SO if he does not share them? you sound very shaken at your core. and having your usual support network away (your T) does not help. can you put yourself on the top of her priority list when she returns? you need support.
anyway the reason why i asked what you want from the relationship, and why i asked you to focus on you, is because people that are involved with drug users tend to take on inappropriate responsibility for their loved ones, frequently to the detriment of their own selves and their own core. i don't know if this is you or not, but it might be something to think about.
as somebody that has struggled with my own mental health, i am often thrilled when somebody will put up with my sh*t and will overlook behaviour that is inappropriate or otherwise not good for me.
lying is the kind of behaviour that is never acceptable to me. and i don't know how you can overcome that. you may need the assistance of a counselor for the two of you.
i don't know if you can separate the issues of the drugs and the lying ... but i think it might be a good place to start? if one of your fundamental needs is trust, you will both have to work very very hard to regain that trust.
also if you need a safe drug-free space in your own home, that is reasonable. however, you have to state this to your SO and negotiate or take this space for yourself. you might want to think up an action plan about what to do if your safe space is violated. write down your action plan, and be prepared to execute it. it's not about empty threats, it's about preserving your sanity.
ps - i mentioned visiting a pdoc if you are having trouble sleeping ... i know you are not making this up. a good night's sleep does help, and i would not be ashamed to ask for my favourite sleep aid to help me through what must be a difficult and stressful time.
pps - from your posts i get the impression that you are very confused ... this is why i was thinking that you might want avoid major decisions about staying together or breaking up before you have found some rest and clarity
ppps - good luck
poster:octopusprime
thread:409148
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041015/msgs/410038.html