Posted by antigua on September 21, 2004, at 13:33:16
In reply to Guilt and contributions in marriage, posted by Racer on September 20, 2004, at 12:55:38
I love this thread!
I think we should trade husbands, o.k.? Mine is very competitive about who does more around here--the laundry, dishes, paying bills, going to the bank, etc., and of course you know who does more of that stuff, of course? My husband! How do I know that's true? Because HE TELLS ME ALL THE TIME. No matter what I do it's never enough.
We both work at home (when I'm working, which I'm starting to do much more now), often together, which is a recipe for disaster as he mingles our professional and personal lives so much that he's asking me about invoices as I'm climbing into bed (sometimes he nicely waits until I've turned the light off so I can start ruminating about all the things I have to do tomorrow, based on his orders).
Now, I'm just a messy person. I have trouble putting things away, even months later. My house isn't dirty, it is just disorganized at times. (Dang, I have to remember to put that final batch of Christmas decorations away--oh why bother? Christmas is just a few months away and I'll need it again anyway. Maybe I'll find a place for the Easter linens.)
My office is a complete mess and it drives my husband crazy--but it's my office and not his (he has one too) so I tell him to leave it alone. He always is in here straightening something, picking something up off the floor, etc.
I would like to brag that I'm one of those people who appears messy but can put their fingers on the exact piece of information I need at a moment's notice. Nope, I can't do that. Half my life is spent looking for things. You don't have to tell me what all this means, I know it has psychological implications. My philosophy now is, "Hey, if I can't do that or can't find that then there must be a reason why so I should just let it go." How's that for rationalization? (Actually when I find I can't do something there usually is a sound reason for it and I try to deal w/it, or let it go if that's the better choice.)
But what my husband doesn't ever factor into the equation of our life (and its importance) is my time and energy spent nurturing and caring for our three children. They aren't babies anymore (16, 11 and 6), but each one is always going through something that has to be dealt with RIGHT NOW. Also, I deal w/the schools, teachers, music lessons, etc., while he prefers to handle the sporting activities (although he is not a sports guy at all). My husband is a scientist and likes to deal w/the "facts" of the situation w/the kids so I have to patiently deal with their emotions, expectations and the realities of their center-of-the-universe lives. They really are very well adjusted--I've devoted the last 15 years to teaching them all the therapy tricks I've learned so that my money (oh no, it's my husband's money really because he also works harder than I do) hasn't gone to waste.
Efficiency is very important to him, but I fail at it again and again. But that's what makes our lives so interesting. We find our unique ways to drive each other crazy!!
I could go on and on, but I won't.
I try not to play the competitive game w/him anymore because he really does believe he does more (keep in mind that while I'm making light of it, I still do plenty of the heavy lifting around here)but now I really try not to feel guilty about what I'm NOT doing. I'm so much better than last year so I've made progress (hey, I cleaned out my closet two months ago, but yes, there are still some piles in there that need to come up off the floor--just a short bout of mania)and I have to tell myself that for me it's enough; the house is just a house, but my kids are living breathing things that I care about.
I'm not comparing our situations so please don't read anything into this (that old qualifier). I would love to be married to a man who would actually lay around on the weekends. Mine is a "doer" and since he can "do" so many things, he's a busy man. But I love him dearly, faults and all, just as I hope he loves me (it's kind of fun to drive him crazy sometimes, to mess w/his order).
Thanks for the thread. You made me see his perspective a little better.
best,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:393000
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/393368.html