Posted by crazymaisie on September 20, 2004, at 16:15:17
In reply to Guilt and contributions in marriage, posted by Racer on September 20, 2004, at 12:55:38
hi Racer.
sorry to hear that this is causing you so much stress. i can certainly identify with alot of your post. i am a stay-at-home-mom and my husband does the day-job thing. on my darkest days i find the housework overwhelming (not the doing of it, just the thought of it, which leads me to avoid doing any of it) i have talked to my T about this and am beginning to realise that i find it so stressful because i had to do all the housework from an early age and was always getting into trouble for not doing it right (even though what 'right' was was never clear and i was never taught how anything should be done). i don't know if there are links in your background which could help you see why it is a stressor for you also? in any case, that doesn't change the fact that it is still such a problem for me. earlier in our marriage my husband and i were having similar problems - i couldn't get the housework done, felt it was my duty and responsibility, he didn't help and basically didn't understand what the problem was or why i would get so worked up about something as unimportant as dusting. two things changed in the meantime. first, while i was still at work and we could afford it, we had someone come in to clean up once a week. it was a HUGE help. suddenly i didn't blame myself or him if something wasn't done, i could blame our very lovely cleaning lady. and of course i could never actually have bad feelings for someone who was so kind as to come in and iron my clothes for me. it helped enormously. now i am at home and we can't afford a cleaner (although i sometimes think of giving up therapy and getting a cleaner instead!) so what i have discovered is that he really doesn't understand what needs to be done and that he needs to be encouraged when he helps, no matter how bad a job he makes of it. i know this sounds patronising, but i wouldn't continue to do something to please him if he criticised my efforts every time (which i had been doing) so he asks me what needs to be done, we divide things up and i thank him when we're done. it's better, but i still stress. he now understands why i stress so much and tries to notice if i do clean out the fridge or something and says it looks great. sounds silly, but it helps me. i also know that he doesn't expect things to be clean or tidy and that really isn't a priority for him. i have to keep reminding myself that i'm not going to 'get into trouble' over it though.
sorry, this has gone on way too long. i hope you're feeling better soon and that you find some resolution with your husband. because really, housework doesn't matter in the big scheme of things, although i know how hard it can be to remember that.
maisie
poster:crazymaisie
thread:393000
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/393065.html