Posted by Ilene on September 20, 2004, at 20:10:46
In reply to Guilt and contributions in marriage, posted by Racer on September 20, 2004, at 12:55:38
> Right now I've got a lot of guilt about my inability to contribute anything like an equal share within my marriage. This episode of depression began more than a year ago, and I have been unable to work -- or even to manage basic functioning, for that matter -- during this period. Since I'm not working outside the house, and, for that matter, hardly leave the house at all, I feel a lot of pressure to keep the housekeeping up myself. At the same time, it's so overwhelming and I'm feeling so incapable that I still get resentful that my husband doesn't do more to help. That leads to a lot of guilt, since he's the sole income supporting us right now, and he's also taken on a lot of things that I feel as if I *should* be able to help with, if not do myself.
>I could have written that paragraph, except I haven't worked for *years* and may not work again.
> For a while, I could at least rationalize it by saying that I was "sick", and that that excused some of my failures. Now, though, that this has gone on so dang long, that just feels like an empty excuse for laziness. I try to force myself to do more, which leaves me feeling worse, since it's not always possible to get done as much as I want to do. That leaves me feeling as if I have failed, which I suppose I have. Maybe the failure really is in having unrealistic expectations of myself, but it's still a failure in some sense.
>You are still sick. Having a chronic disease sucks. It's even worse if your disability is hidden and you seem like you ought to be functional, since all your visible parts are in working order. But the hidden parts, the ones inside your skull, are not in working order.
> The feeling of being overwhelmed, though, is terrible. I want so much to have some sort of help with some of this, but there's no place to turn for it. My husband can't or won't help with most of it -- although if I bring it up, he always says that he's willing. It's just that when the time comes to *do* anything, he doesn't. I've asked my mother to help, but she creates other difficulties that would make it almost more emotionally expensive to have her come and help than if she doesn't. There is no one else I can ask, either because I'm asking for something that's too weird -- like "just come and talk to me for comfort while I try to do [x]" -- or because the tasks require special skills that most people I know just don't have. My husband, who doesn't have those skills, could help just by being with me while I try to do some of these things. Even that, though, doesn't happen.
>
> And then there are some basic issues that drive me crazy -- like the 100 pairs of socks in his sock drawer, when he only wears about eight of those pairs, or the dozens of t-shirts, of which he wears fewer than half a dozen. My husband is a bit of a hoarder, which is OK, except that I'd like the hoarded things to be kept neater, and he resists any effort to reduce the clutter and disarray. This issue comes up in marriage counseling all the time, but nothing changes and he is resistant to virtually all suggestions about it, no matter who brings them up.
>
There are some battles you just can't win. That's probably one of them. It would be lovely to have a husband who kept his socks in order and cheerfully helped out around the house. Mine doesn't either.> The worst for me, though, is that guilt about wanting him to contribute more, when I feel as if I'm contributing so little. Especially since I feel as if I *should* be doing more, even though it's all so overwhelming to me.
>Part of this is lyour depression talking. Two of the symptoms of depression, guilt and malaise, get all intertwined and feed on each other. You already know this.
You probably do more than you think. One of things I did when I was posting my diary was list what I did each day. I could go back and see that I had actually accomplished things. On the downside--and I have to be honest here--I got little feeling of accomplishment. No matter what I did, I felt like I should be doing more.
> Who else has gone through this whole thing? Have you found anything that helped you cope?
>I think I've survived the worst of it. I still feel overwhelmed at times, mostly when my depression rears its gigantic ugly head. I still have boxes to go through, laundry to do, floors to wash....
I promised myself that once I got everything unpacked I'd hire a cleaning lady (of whatever gender). That might not be practical for you, depending on finances.
I make sure I do the things that have to be done, such as paying the bills and shopping for food, and recognize that other things are secondary. Sometimes I make lists of things I need to do, in order of importance.
I too feel like I should be doing more to compensate for hanging around the house all day. However, I need to get out , so I'm volunteering and (finally) arranging little get-togethers with friends and acquaintances. It helps me stay afloat and gives me a little more energy.
I also like to have a creative outlet, like a sewing project, if I can gather up the energy. It can really help when I am feeling stressed.
Everything else I think of to say sounds like a useless platitude, e.g., "Don't be so hard on yourself". Like duh. I think you are taking steps in the right direction by working on meds, going to marriage counseling, being self-aware, being active on PB, and so on.
poster:Ilene
thread:393000
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/393146.html