Posted by partlycloudy on September 20, 2004, at 13:47:22
In reply to Guilt and contributions in marriage, posted by Racer on September 20, 2004, at 12:55:38
When this latest year-long bout of depression hit, my ability to do chores around the house which was hit or miss at best, went to zero. I felt very guilty at not being able to keep up with anything - laundry, dusting, vacuuming, grocery shopping, cooking... I had no energy to do these things and my almighty guilt and self blame had a field day with these added worries.
I sat down with my husband, who said "I don't care if you can't do it. None of those things are really important. What's important is that you get better." So - you must think that my uber-hubby whisked out the duster and whipped up gourmet dinners from Bob Appetit magazine. Nothing of the sort. We just kind of let the squalor build up and then when it would get bad enough in one area or another, he or I would tackle that one thing.
For me, it's still a big guilt issue. What I realize, though, is that it means nothing to my husband as far as what I'm contributing to the marriage. As a matter of fact, if he takes off his glasses, the place looks pretty clean (until his foot gets stuck on some mystery food item on the kitchen floor). He will rarely take the initiative to clean it, and I don't let that bug me any more. He didn't marry me to be a housekeeper, that much is clear.
Now I try to do what I can and when I can. Sometimes I can do the grocery shopping, but he puts the stuff away. Or else I shop and then decide I can't cook (take out time).
It's critical that you not be so hard on yourself with this stuff. Having a clean home is a good thing, but not something that should define your worthiness.
poster:partlycloudy
thread:393000
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/393022.html