Posted by Racer on September 20, 2004, at 12:55:38
Right now I've got a lot of guilt about my inability to contribute anything like an equal share within my marriage. This episode of depression began more than a year ago, and I have been unable to work -- or even to manage basic functioning, for that matter -- during this period. Since I'm not working outside the house, and, for that matter, hardly leave the house at all, I feel a lot of pressure to keep the housekeeping up myself. At the same time, it's so overwhelming and I'm feeling so incapable that I still get resentful that my husband doesn't do more to help. That leads to a lot of guilt, since he's the sole income supporting us right now, and he's also taken on a lot of things that I feel as if I *should* be able to help with, if not do myself.
For a while, I could at least rationalize it by saying that I was "sick", and that that excused some of my failures. Now, though, that this has gone on so dang long, that just feels like an empty excuse for laziness. I try to force myself to do more, which leaves me feeling worse, since it's not always possible to get done as much as I want to do. That leaves me feeling as if I have failed, which I suppose I have. Maybe the failure really is in having unrealistic expectations of myself, but it's still a failure in some sense.
The feeling of being overwhelmed, though, is terrible. I want so much to have some sort of help with some of this, but there's no place to turn for it. My husband can't or won't help with most of it -- although if I bring it up, he always says that he's willing. It's just that when the time comes to *do* anything, he doesn't. I've asked my mother to help, but she creates other difficulties that would make it almost more emotionally expensive to have her come and help than if she doesn't. There is no one else I can ask, either because I'm asking for something that's too weird -- like "just come and talk to me for comfort while I try to do [x]" -- or because the tasks require special skills that most people I know just don't have. My husband, who doesn't have those skills, could help just by being with me while I try to do some of these things. Even that, though, doesn't happen.
And then there are some basic issues that drive me crazy -- like the 100 pairs of socks in his sock drawer, when he only wears about eight of those pairs, or the dozens of t-shirts, of which he wears fewer than half a dozen. My husband is a bit of a hoarder, which is OK, except that I'd like the hoarded things to be kept neater, and he resists any effort to reduce the clutter and disarray. This issue comes up in marriage counseling all the time, but nothing changes and he is resistant to virtually all suggestions about it, no matter who brings them up.
The worst for me, though, is that guilt about wanting him to contribute more, when I feel as if I'm contributing so little. Especially since I feel as if I *should* be doing more, even though it's all so overwhelming to me.
Who else has gone through this whole thing? Have you found anything that helped you cope?
Thanks.
poster:Racer
thread:393000
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/393000.html