Posted by DAisym on February 10, 2009, at 0:12:43
In reply to Re: Developmental stages in therapy, posted by Dory on February 8, 2009, at 1:00:41
you know... you are one of justa few peeps I'd ever read or post for. You were special to me here because of your honest and genuine seeking. Your posts are so heart-felt. Be proud of yourself, many wander their journey for eons, still tramping down the same path going around and around... and never reach the depths you have. You T has always sounded brilliant and wonderful and your relationship with him is moving.
***Thanks Dory. You tend to be pretty quiet, even though you always have good things to say. Am I allowed to be proud of myself for doing something that seems essential right now? Going deep feels selfish - and dangerous and, and...necessary. Does that makes sense at all? Like getting a splinter out.
we *have* to struggle with these fears and projections on our T's or we don't move forward. Our main sources of comfort, love and safety were somehow taken away, threatened, neglectful or worse... and the legacy is mistrust. Remember.. you try to peer into the world of say, a 4yr old you, but with the eyes of who you are now.. with your sum knowledge and understanding. But that 4yr old you didnt have all that wisdom. So.. for one, the 4 yr old can't be blamed for "not getting it" or for doing it "wrong" or for the myriad of sins you blame yourself for internally. You know intellectually it is never a child's fault and i am guessing you mean the trauma, but remember that a young child will also internalize a loss of safety/protection/love as being their fault as well. They cant see it any other way... their brains havent grown enough for them to have perspective.
*******So this is really scary. We talked today about fault and complicity. Using my adult brain, I can say all the right things. But I also see all the opportunities for stopping it - for speaking up or for saying "no!" My therapist wondered if we could begin to revisit some of these places, only trying to do it with the little kid feelings - not just what happened but what was my kid-self feeling before? How could she keep getting into these situations? We pushed against a memory of a 7-year-old. She should never have gotten out of bed and gone looking for her dad. But if I stay with just her feelings I can see that she was afraid of the dark and her mommy was in the hospital - so she went looking for comfort and safety. What happened next was confusing for her and scary. She never meant to invite such a violation. And she can't figure out why she no longer feels safe, even though her main protector - her dad - is right there with her in the dark. It was exhausting to work like this - to try not to get freaked out by what happened but instead focus on the feelings of fault and blame.
i was hard on myself recently too... for being mad at T, for mistrusting him... again. But i thought a lot about what he said about it and i realized it was the good times that really shook my boat... the "good" sessions and good feelings and all that stuff that i crave. Why? Because... i'm not supposed to have it, remember? i dont deserve any of that and if anyone finds out they will quickly remedy the situation. i am very hesitant to acknowledge anything good i get from him bc i am sure it is an arrogant mistake on my part and i'd be stupid to let him become aware of my assumptions. Now the bad sessions and bad feelings i am very vocal about... because they uphold my life-long theories and i can shout SEE!? i KNEW it... you are like the rest. Then the heart break sets in.
******I've said all this too. NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE IT! And you capture one of my major fears - that admitting to feeling good things coming from him will result in a correction - it will be an arrogant mistake, as you said. I still have lots of magical thinking, especially those thoughts of good things being taken away. My therapist once asked me if it hurts less to take things away from myself, than to have them taken away by someone else. I said no, but it was less humiliating. He pointed out that it was often a preemptive move that was unnecessary. I recently told him that I thought maybe I needed to be mad at him sometimes just to relieve the tension and fear of all the good feelings.
it's a horrible cycle but it gets inched forward every time it happens.
****It *is* a horrible cycle. There MUST be a better way to do this. Maybe that is what all the reparenting extremes were about in the 70s. I find myself wishing for a group again, to dilute some of the intensity of the feelings.
much peace
You too. thanks for taking the time to write and offer support. You know where to find me if you need me.
poster:DAisym
thread:878656
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/879187.html