Posted by workinprogress on February 9, 2009, at 1:46:12
In reply to Developmental stages in therapy, posted by DAisym on February 6, 2009, at 23:31:42
My therapist always says... I know you want to be an only child... everyone does. But... you're not and I have enough love to go around. That's one of the things kids have to accept growing up... that you're not the only one, but that I love you because you're you and there's enough love to go around. Essentially, she's saying, yeah, I get it that you need to feel special, that you want to be the only... but you're not... BUT... that doesn't mean you're not special!
That's a big but. Some days I believe it, some days I don't. When I get some acknowledgement that she thinks of me outside of session, I feel special. And, well, for me... I've made sure that she thinks of me outside of session. She always says... "out of sight doesn't mean out of mind". Well, that wasn't true in my household growing up, so I didn't really believe it. So... I found a solution. I call my T every day and leave a message, just a short note about my day. It helps me to feel connected to her, but not needy, because I'm not always hoping for a response.
Is there something like that you can find that's a solution to you.. That will help you feel ok, that will solve things for you? I didn't know the phone calls would be so helpful... but they've totally helped me to turn a corner. I might be just as needy, but I have permission to call every day... and I know she notices me (how could she not) and thinks about me. I obsess less. Not that I don't obsess, but it's way less. I think there's lots of room to think creatively about how we deal with the limitations (yes, lucie... so right on your point about the cold hard facts of therapy) of therapy. Those limitations are huge, but if you have a therapist who is willing to experiment with you, I think you can come up with creative solutions to deal with those limitations and cold hard facts... to an extent at least.
My solution is mine and it's far from perfect, but it's alleviated much of the pain. I don't pretend to think it will work for anyone but me... but I guess I offer it as an example... having experienced the pain you're experiencing and found some sort of solution.
I'm so so so sorry you're in this right now. It's so hard. There's so much fear and pain and struggle in the place you're in. And it isn't like I don't go back there occasionally.. it isn't linear is it? this therapy thing, so circular. So, I certainly don't have all the answers, but I so feel your struggle and understand the pain behind it. I wish you the best Daisy and I get it.. I so get it...
xoxoxoxo
WIP
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> As I wrote above to Antigua, I've been having a really rough couple of weeks. My therapist had to take a week off, not for a vacation exactly but he was gone 10 days. And he said something to me when he left, which he meant as encouraging - "deep down, you really are OK" - but it turned into an absolute disaster. I felt like he was setting me up to not come back - I was OK so I shouldn't need him anymore. And we'd just opened the topic of my dad moving away - complete with all those conflicting feeling that Antigua has described - missing and loving someone who was brutally abusing me -- it all made no sense. Talk about unleashing the abandonment fears!
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> He did come back, (in fact, he sent me an email asking how I was doing at the end of his week away) but I couldn't reconnect very well. I was angry and told him so. We talked about the whole "you are OK" thing. But what was happening mostly was that he'd say something that triggered some deep feelings and I'd shut down completely. No words at all. So we spent a lot of time sitting in too much silence. He asked me if I was punishing him - was I withholding from him on purpose - trying to make him guess? I said I was thinking he was doing the same thing - refusing to break the silence because it was my job and he was punishing me for not being able to talk. So there we were. Ouch, ouch, ouch.
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> I've figured out that there is so much shame and fear for me right now. I want to be special to my therapist - like the MOST special patient. Not in a sexual way but I want to feel cared for and protected. I'm freaked out about where he is and does he remember me...nothing rational in any of this. And all of this brings up the whole list of reasons why I couldn't possibly be special to him - my weight, my looks, the abuse, and on and on. I have finally been able to tell him some of this and he said it makes sense to him. He thinks I felt sent away and it triggered really old "take care of yourself" mantras. He talked about how very fragile connections are for me and how easily shattered.
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> And then he said, "I see this as a developmental stage of therapy. Being angry with me, trusting that it is OK to need, all this separation anxiety - it is expected in a really deep therapy. I'm OK with it. And I know you don't believe it, but you are special to me."
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> *sigh* This is all such hard work. But I don't know what I think about developmental stages of therapy - although it seems to make sense.
poster:workinprogress
thread:878656
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/879046.html