Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 7, 2008, at 5:29:06
In reply to Re: Memories (triggers), posted by turtle on December 6, 2008, at 12:05:04
Turtle,
Thank you for your reply. When I first started to think back about my upbringing it was so painful because of the fact I had accepted it all those years and now suddenly I saw it for what it was - there was no perspective. At times it feels 'unreal' because it was 'normal' - we lived in a strange crazy world under that roof. What shouldn't have been normal was made to be normal - my dad still lives under that roof with my mother, and still goes along with it.
And such an experience doesn't set one up for life - it makes one expect to be treated that way by others. I think by the time I was 18 I was 'broken' (perhaps rather like your being in 'lockdown') - I didn't know at the time that but now I see it. And it's like I have to relearn things that I should just 'know'.
I'm very sorry you also have to deal with this. I think I am fortunate I can remember what happened more or less from 4 upwards. And for me I have a mix of unpleasant and pleasant memories, and that makes it all the more bizarre. It is scary not knowing and wondering why on earth one doesn't know.
Perhaps the appeal of knowing is that your mind can't wander anymore - everything is available to you, you can keep it safely in a box and take parts of it out to examine and make sense of everything. It's in my nature to want to get to the bottom of things - to understand everything and not leave things unknown.
Maybe I also need to have a clear idea of my goals in therapy. I think one is to be content with who I am - or even just to be who I am - to accept myself, not hate myself. I like the phrase "live in my own skin". My mother always made a big thing of blame/culpability - she would tell me over and over that I never thought it was my fault. At a certain point I started saying sorry almost obsessively - she could accuse me of whatever she liked and I would have to say sorry even if I had nothing to do with it - if I said otherwise then I was a 'liar'. People still tease me now because I say sorry all the time. It's embarrassing. So maybe that's why I feel uncomfortable sitting with my feelings - that I feel that in accepting who I am and what happened is in itself a form of blaming or finger pointing. I have no intention or desire to confront my mother, I just want to be able to live without too much anxiety - I just want to be normal.
Thank you so much for your advice about moving forward with self healing - listening to ones feelings, ones body, taking in the facts about ones childhood and going from there. At the moment things are stirred up, and it has been on my mind - what happened that I don't remember? I try not to think at all about my earliest memories and now I am because it makes me feel so uneasy. I really admire how insightful you are about this matter - you clearly have worked very hard. It's inspiring.
I think your revelation is spot on - allowing yourself to make sense of it all, trusting your instincts/feelings is a form of self-care/self-nurture. Denial and shutting yourself down being the opposite.
I think this reply is a bit disjointed - I just read through your post and wrote my thoughts. I hope it makes sense.
I really appreciate the time and effort you took to write what you did - it means a great deal will be very helpful to me.
Good luck on your journey.
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:866883
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867193.html