Posted by Wittgensteinz on December 7, 2008, at 17:48:24
In reply to Re: Memories (triggers), posted by lucie lu on December 7, 2008, at 0:12:52
Hi Lucie Lu,
I'm sorry to hear how hard a time you're having with your mum this weekend. My mum's visits are always difficult for me too but I feel too guilty to say "no". I'll probably visit home after Christmas (although I'm not going home for Christmas itself).
I think inconsistent/unpredictable parents are very damaging for a child - how can one internalise a parent who has two conflicting personalities? I can understand why your relationship with your mother is so complex - it sounds like she didn't play the roll of a typical mother when you were growing up and it's amazing you still were able to be close to her - that's a testament to your inner strength.
My mother also has two 'personalities' and it's caused me similar problems. I suspect she has borderline PD but she would never in a million years go and see a 'shrink' and I would never dare question her mental health (my father has also said at times that there is something wrong but likewise he doesn't have the nerve to suggest she gets help). In general, I find it hard to integrate the positive and negative of a person (of course no-one is perfect) - if I see something bad I tend to get scared and run, or else shut down any trust I had for that person. My mother could be cruel but she could also be a very good mother - she loved to buy presents for example (but she also loved to take them away again) - she is an excellent cook, at school she had very good contact with my teachers and would stand up for me if there were problems - in public she was friendly and kind. But in home life she could be happy and chirpy one moment then a switch would flick in her head and she'd become hysterical and mean. You said you don't get validation from your family because your mum is now recovered and stable - I can understand how heart-wrenching and frustrating that must be. You lived a very different experience with a very different woman and validation is such an important thing. Fortunately, in my case my partner has been very validating - perhaps because there have been occasions when my mother has shown her other side toward him, and because he's visited my parents' home and seen first hand how many strange rules and restrictions there are.
The thought that comes to mind is - does your mum provide any validation now that she is recovered? Does she have a role in helping you heal? What are her reflections on your upbringing? How do her reflections affect your feelings toward her now?
In a way, it must be a delight for you to see her having a positive influence on your family now despite all that went on in the past. At the same time, I think if I were in your situation I'd feel an injustice - I'd want to point out that she wasn't this way to ME when I was little - I'd feel bitter. It's ironic as for a long time I held onto the hope that I might one day do something that would change my mother or bring myself into her favour - but now I come to think about it, would that really make things better? It would bring its own set of challenges.
I think the pdoc has good intentions - he's much better than the last one who didn't have a clue about me - I think he knew more about me after one meeting than the other one did in all the time I saw him - old pdoc never brought up sex, he did talk about his dog and the building work he was having done on his house though. My T persuaded me to change pdocs. I might just have to be frank with him that I often feel triggered my the directness of the questions and to not push too much. I think he will respect that.
I hope you're able to find some peace and time for yourself after this weekend to process how you feel about it all. I think it's admirable that you have found forgiveness for what she put you through and acceptance for who she now is. Her changing/recovering has presented new challenges in itself. I think she needs to be realistic too though about the effects of her past on you, and I really hope she respects your boundaries now.
Take care (((Lucie Lu))).
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:866883
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867336.html