Posted by Nadezda on December 6, 2008, at 11:51:04
In reply to Memories (triggers), posted by Wittgensteinz on December 5, 2008, at 16:03:36
Hi, Witti. I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable about having posted. I read your post last night and it really touched me, but I wasn't able to respond-- in the sense that I've had that feeling and I know how evanescent and wobbly the sense of having the right to protect oneself is. My mother had many tendencies that may have been like those that were more pronounced and acted out by your mother, who may have had some sort of confusion about sexuality and her own body-- and great discomfort with yours--
I didn't respond mostly because I didn't like to give a quick response to a deep post. I thought of putting a few quick words- to let you know I was there- but I wanted to give a proper and thoughtful reply and didn't feel up to it..
I'm glad you felt that writing it down might help-- It can be very distressing when no one responds. I try to think, for myself, when others don't respond, that it's a worthwhile record of my own experience and a valuable statement of where I am. But at times when the feelings are very raw, that's hard to do. You have nothing to be ashamed of, though. You write things that many of us have felt.
I'm very sorry about your mother's treatment of you-- and for the long-term inhibitions that it creates. Whatever else is true, you have the right., and perhaps owe it to yourself, to protect yourself, as you find best. You don't have to prove to anyone that you have the right to keep your boundaries- I know it can provoke the sensee that you're a bad person, when you feel this anger and dislike. That's the thing about childhood though-- we can't remember what's done to us. Frequently it's so subtle and we're so at the mercy of our parents that we couldn't notice or afford to remember. These things are lost, and the remnant is a feeling-- which we can't really explain.
So what I mostly feel is that it's important for you to know you have the right to protect yourself. No one needs to give permission or understand-- (Of course, it's better if those close to you do.) It's mostly about coming to accept and respect your own feeling about your mother-- As an adult, it's hard to acknowledge and keep aware of this hidden emotional truth-- that whatever is causing this feeling-- is real, and worth respecting and doesn't need to be explained, especially to your father or her.. It does tend to slip away under pressure of all these social rules, and oughts, and one's parents' denials-- and one's own wish that the feeling would go away, and we could be at peace. I think there's a way to find that peace-- but through another avenue.
I know you're a good person, though-- and always value your contributions here and find a great interest in reading them..
Nadezda
poster:Nadezda
thread:866883
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867005.html