Posted by Nadezda on September 30, 2008, at 11:03:17
In reply to Re: I wish my state of mind were more stable, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 29, 2008, at 17:14:06
Hi, Llurpsie.
Thanks for the reassurance about my verbosity. Maybe there is no good way to say it. But thanks-- I really do appreciate that.
You're right about the rut. I'm one of those cars that keeps steering to the left, and no matter what I do, I find yourself heading into oncoming traffic. My T says, though, that I often think a little knick on my fender is some sort of major catastrophe. I guess he thinks I imagine things, or construct things, in a bad way-- that he says is part of my destructiveness. Maybe he's exaggerating in order to get through to me that it's serious-- but I think, too, that he sees it as destructive, so it's not that much of an overstatement.
The rut, I guess, is my imagining that that's what's going to happen and feeling that the fleeting, meaningless looks on people's faces or words used signify something rejecting or uncaring, or that they would just as soon I wasn't there. Seeing that, I almost do a doubtle-take, in which everything is suddenly dislocated. I see too that it could be different, but my mind always steers into that place, against my will-- or according to some unconscious will that my T keeps trying to show me.
I like your T's idea of surfing the bad feelings-- I've found that such a unique sensation, when I remember to do it--.which I only have a few times. But surprisingly, it works.
I love your metaphor about surfing the waves-- I remember doing that as a kid and always being so exceedingly delighted when the green energy of the wave would swallow me--and I would be afraid that I could hardly breathe-- only to bob up suddenly into the fresh air of the other side.
I'll have to put that into my about-to-be-begun notebook.
Nadezda
poster:Nadezda
thread:854714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854930.html