Posted by Nadezda on September 29, 2008, at 11:23:04
In reply to Re: I wish my state of mind were more stable, posted by Sigismund on September 29, 2008, at 3:09:36
You know, it's a mystery why things are so hard, so implacable and overwhelming, in prospect-- when, in the doing, they suddenly reveal themselves as so amenable to one's efforts.
I can't make phone calls for example. I don't have a clue why. I just dread making them. When I think of picking up the phone and hearing a voice, my mind just goes haywire. But when I do, after months of stalling and making up excuses, or just going: " no-- no, I can't do it now"-- I phone a store, or a person's phonemail, it's so easy. So quick and painless. Nothing happens. My voice makes sounds, it isn't quavering and hoarse as I'd imagined-- the sentences rise and fall in normal rhythms. I sound like a regular person.
No one ever explains this discontinuity. Why a dark mountain chasm stands between me and the phone, or why fixing a whipper snipper (what a great thing to have, by the way, we just have lawnmowers, or shears, or some such things) seems so gnarled and tangled and why the frozen metallic parts so repel one's attention.
I face things with the grim belief that they're going to go badly. That they'll prove yet again that I can't do it right, or well, or even okay. I don't know why. I guess painting is very hard for me-- because it's so important to me-- and doesn't go well. But if it's that important, why can't I do it anyway? That's why my T says. I have no answer for it, other than that I'm lazy and cowardly.
But unlike you, I don't accept my state. I guess that's that radical acceptance thing-- it's worse when you can't, say "it is as it is" and live with that.
Nadezda
PS I should try to be more terse and to the point. Another thing I don't like in myself.
poster:Nadezda
thread:854714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854760.html