Posted by lucie lu on September 29, 2008, at 18:11:53
In reply to I wish my state of mind were more stable, posted by Nadezda on September 28, 2008, at 22:59:52
Nadezda,
You know, what you describe is how I get when I am under-medicated or not taking the right mix. Like you I have always had a tendency toward mood fluctuations, which often cycle rapidly. I have frequently felt like a succession of people too. I hated to make social commitments because I never knew "who" I was going to be when the time came. At work, I would take on projects when I was feeling good and then hate myself when the mood swung down and I was stuck with the project. My kids would get confused because they never knew quite how I was going to respond. My DH complained that he never knew which woman he was dealing with. Maybe worst of all, I didn't feel that I had a single skin to live in, but put on different ones every day like I was changing clothes.
A/Ds helped with the lows but the feelings of discontinuity persisted. SSRIs really intensified the cycling so I couldn't take them, but did OK on wellbutrin. Started therapy, but didn't begin to make any real progress until I started going more frequently and was able to generate some continuity. I learned in therapy about identity problems and self-instability that I grew up with but which was the chicken and which the egg? Was my identity unstable because of my mood or vice versa? Whatever the cause, the variability was the constant. I tried mood stabilizers but didn't tolerate them well until lamictal. That has really worked well for me when added to wellbutrin. In therapy, my T and I worked hard on generating internal continuity, so that I wouldnt feel so much like a Raggedy-Ann, a patchwork person made up of discontinuous experiences and moods. Slowly, eventually, the pieces all started growing together and I continue to work on this in therapy. I also have to stay on the meds or the problems return. The stability I got from the meds helped me work in therapy to develop psychological stability, which then reduced (but didnt eliminate) the need for meds. I raise the dosages again when the need arises. I stay on these meds because others make me nuts or fat or both.
So the point of this long-winded post, Nadezda, is that I think I know what you are going through and its a b*tch. I can really empathize. At least for me, if I found myself experiencing what you describe, I would know I need to change my dosages or med combo or whatever. It sounds like whatever youre on just isnt stabilizing your mood enough. It is hard to go through your days like that. Life is tricky enough to negotiate without constantly feeling like the rug is being pulled out from under you.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
Best, Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:854714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854810.html