Posted by lucie lu on July 2, 2008, at 22:24:16
In reply to Has your T said the L word about you?, posted by lucie lu on July 2, 2008, at 19:14:44
The first time I brought up the subject (I care about you, do you care about me?) with my T several years ago, we had been talking about both him and my dad. That was the first time my T said, softly and looking at me meaningfully, "strong feelings don't arise in a vacuum." The way he said it sounded more like he was talking about himself and just didn't want to be explicit, for boundary reasons or whatever. His meaning seemed clear to me. So for a while afterwards, whenever I would doubt him (which was often, I couldn't help it, that nasty, mistrustful stranger was always whispering in my ear), I could remember him saying those words and it would help me keep the faith, that we both cared about each other. I kept it like an amulet and it helped our relationship grow, at least from my perspective.
About a year later, we had an intense session with me pushing him pretty mercilessly. My position was that I was being driven crazy by the "he loves me (my hopeful if tentative observation), he loves me not (mistrustful stranger voice)" conflict and I needed some real input from him to help me, he finally almost shouted "yes, I care about you about your life! I care very much what happens to you!" This meant a great deal to me, even if it did seem like I had to tear it out of him with forceps. His version is different, that after some discussion, he eventually judged that it was therapeutic to make that statement. Hmmm.
It's come up a few times since, in different contexts. We had another intense session about a month ago, with him leaning forward with this intense look on his face, repeating "can you really not feel my 'regard' for you?" He must have repeated it three times, and just kept looking at me. But I told him, you are a great T, you would feel this way about any patient of yours. (Why do T's use words like "regard" anyway who knows what that means?) Now, thanks to Dinah, I have a name for my angst:
IT'S THE JESSICA THING!!!!!!!
(I don't know how to insert a link to Dinah's thread or I'd do it, for those who didn't read her post in meme's thread above.)
Yes, I admit I want to be special to my T, and of course it affects my self-esteem. How could it not? If, after spending some 500+ hours alone in conversation with him, I'm not special to him then what, for goodness sakes, does that say about me?? T's never like to look at that particular logic. I cannot help but envy people whose T's say they love them, give them hugs, teddybears, phone calls during their vacations etc. Although I know my T is a warm and caring person, I couldn't see him doing these things for me. Which brings up a horrible, nagging suspicion what if he does it for other patients?? I've never even asked him about his vacation plans, he's never offered, and I thought I was just observing his unspoken boundary. But now I'm haunted by the possibility that maybe he tells other patients his vacation plans and gives them teddybears! In fact, could everyone else be getting teddybears from their therapists but me??? (:-0)
Guess that's why I'm in therapy in the first place this terrible, unremitting insecurity.
Here we have a primary relationship where the needed words cannot be spoken, and what is there besides faith to fill the void? But if we have not learned faith in our lives, how can it make us feel secure and loved without the words? I can't seem to, any more than I could lie down on the floor and levitate (which I can't do). Besides, we all know that words lie, so why is it so darned important to hear them??If your T does give you teddybears, please don't be afraid to say this is just the face of my particular hobgoblin of the moment
poster:lucie lu
thread:837716
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080616/msgs/837776.html