Posted by Daisym on February 14, 2008, at 2:16:58
In reply to Re: Therapist Speak » Daisym, posted by twinleaf on February 13, 2008, at 2:31:19
Hi Daisy. Not that it makes it any easier, but I think everyone here has felt what you are feeling now. I certainly have. What first comes to my mind is that you DON'T WANT him to stop working through the most painful things with you. His saying that he wants to go more gently, to spare you, and to spare him also, might feel to you like you are being emotionally abandoned- left all alone in a nightmare of pain. The message from him right now seems, at least in part, to be that you and your suffering are too much even for such a skilled and empathic therapist as he is. It would probably be more helpful to you if you felt confident that he could stay with you through the very worst, while remaining hopeful and optimistic about your future. That would be much better than stopping the session early (I'm not sure if he actually did that), and indicating that he wants a safe, less painful session tomorrow. I think you are always the one who should determine how things go. You might want it safe for part of the session, and more probing and painful for another part of it.
****He didn't end the session early - we were near the end and he was trying to help me close up. I didn't feel abandoned as much as frustrated in not knowing what to do to help myself. And when he tried to offer an interpretation and some hope, I essentially batted him away. His comments about backing off and containment I think came from my expression of suicidal feelings. When we get to this point, he wants to talk about those feelings - which aren't particularly easy. He said he wants to be careful that his hope for me doesn't sound glib or fake because he knows I don't feel that way right now. I think he was trying to be careful to not push his feelings on top of mine. And it was me saying, "I hurt too much, we have to figure out how to diminish this."
When I get feeling desperate, my analyst will sometimes ask me whether I would like to just be there quietly in the room with him. With the words momentarily absent, everything changes. I tend not to know quite where to look, and feel very anxious, but these feelings calm way down after a few minutes. He is very comfortable with silence, (MANY years of practice!) and I am gradually learning to be a little more so. I know that he makes sure at those times, and in fact all the time, to keep me steadily in his mind. Both our gazes tend to roam around, first meeting, then separating, then meeting again. It's a lot like what a mother and baby do. Without fail, five or ten minutes of this takes away a lot of that terrible pain. It does it more effectively than any amount of interpreting. I think the reason it is so powerful, for me, is that what I am feeling at my worst is the pain of not having had a mother when I was a baby (she was hospitalized with post-partum depression). I wonder if something like what we do would be helpful to you.
*****If I'm crying, this works for me. He is quiet, or makes all these soothing noises. But this kind of pain - the pain that feels like something is sitting on your chest and you want to kick something - is deeper than tears. It demands a response of some kind and yet it defies words. He asked me the other day if I wanted to pace around - I was tempted.
There is another thing which jumps out at me- your therapist in fact may be having a really hard time tolerating the pain you are in now, and he may indeed feel reluctant to do anything that might make it worse, even temporarily. If this is really so, wouldn't it be good to have a thorough, honest discussion about it? Once it is out on the table, you and he will be in a much better position to work on a way out of the dilemma you are presently in. It should also put you both where you want to be-working together.
*****We talked today about what he said. I told him that even if I can't take it in, even if I shut him down, I don't want him to withdraw. He said he didn't and wouldn't. But sometimes it is his job to help me see that I'm heaping on the hurt as a form of self-punishment. And just like he wouldn't let me cut myself up physically, he can't stand by and watch me do it to myself emotionally either. It needs to be titrated, talked about and overlayed with reality. He said he wasn't trying to tell me what to talk about, or not talk about - but he was trying to help me control the flooding.
Since I'm mentioning all the things which are coming to mind- I wonder whether it is hard for you, also, to remain hopeful in the face of the reality how very long and slow therapy actually is. I know you make very big demands on yourself (me, too!), and maybe you feel, at times, that you have let yourself and your therapist down. I know I feel this way quite a lot, and it does help to air these feelings. I'm going to mention Dinah here- without permission- but I think it is just wonderful how in the TWELFTH year of therapy, a lot of things suddenly began to change for her. It just takes as long as it takes! And, because you will be a therapist yourself in the future, having some kind of ongoing therapy will probably be a part of your training.
****You hit the nail on the head here. I hate how long I'm taking. I feel stronger and better and then wham - I'm down again. I think part of what happens now is that since we've been around the spiral, I sort of know what will work and what won't. And I feel the need to handle it myself and yet I don't want to. So I have this internal war going on. And then we hit patches like this week when it is so very painful that it takes your breath away - and it shocks your system that it can still hurt this much. Last week we spent a whole session talking about the kind of reflective supervision I'll probably always need because of my history. I over-identify with the kids and get so angry with the parents - not that I've ever lost my cool and shown it. But sometimes I have to lock my office door and just weep for those kids. My therapist said this isn't bad or wrong - he talked about the wounded healer - he just said it is hard on me and I'll have to be very vigilant about monitoring myself. I was terrified that he would say I really was making the wrong choice in this work.
Just a last thought- do you think regression is playing an important role in your therapy? I know therapists differ on how important they think regression is (I know you know all about this), but some think it's very important to get more in touch with painful, early feelings, while others feel that it's important to avoid regression altogether and instead concentrate on mastery and growth.In any event, I think everyone is agreed that regression should pretty much be confined to therapy hours, and that if it spills over into daily life, it isn't useful.
****There are definitely times when I feel regressed and needy. But most of my therapy has centered on making it OK to need someone else and to allow myself to be cared about and for. It is a balance between early experiences and feelings and the pressures of day-to-day stuff. More and more I can see how I'm effected by all the events of the past. It is hard to feel ruined - because the past can't be changed. It is hard to know there are all these little kid feelings still free floating and easily triggered. But more and more there is a totally adult loneliness that brings out so much sadness.
Having had the experience of going four and even five days a week, I know now that, for me, it was too much. I think the amount of early deprivation I had makes it hard for me to avoid an undesirable degree of regression when going almost every day. I have actually made much more progress in the past year going two or three times a week. It is such a help to me to be able to spend entire days doing adult things and having a chance to regain some sense of inner balance. My emotional problems are exactly the same, of course, but the experience of working on them with this therapist is completely new and unique; it bears no resemblance at all to what went on with the old analyst. I don't mean to give any hint that I am feeling that you should see another therapist (I was just referring to myself)- yours is the gold standard- a definite keeper. If you ever decided not to see him any more, half of Babble would move to California and line up outside his office!
****No worries. I'm not taking this as you suggesting I see someone else. Recently a trusted friend wondered if I shouldn't try working with a woman - because I have such a hard time being less than perfect with women. I didn't freak out, I just said I was still in barnacle mode with my therapist and not ready to be scraped off yet. We've talked off and on about stepping back my sessions. The choice is always mine. But he encourages me to think about what I want, as much as what I think I need. And for now, I want the connections and the frequency. I still have a very hard time staying open and connected to him without seeing him. And over and over again I've proved to myself that I do better when I see him. I'm less anxious overall.
These thought may be completely off the mark. But it does seem that now would be a good time to talk in depth about what may be going on between you, and what you both are feeling about the course of therapy. and one another.
****We did a lot of that today. He wanted to hear all about my suicidal plan and fantasy. I talked a lot about my kids. He asked me if I thought about what he would feel. I said yes and told him I thought he'd be mad and sad. He said he thought I was right and he was very concerned about how much self-blame I was feeling. He emphasized a number of times that he wasn't trying to squelch the stories but to instead help me handle them. It felt like it today - no pushing. He said he sees my pain and he knows I'm suffering but that together we'll make it through like we have before. I'm trying to believe him.
Thanks for your long reply. It gave me a lot to think about.
poster:Daisym
thread:812413
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/812598.html