Posted by Daisym on February 12, 2008, at 23:10:51
I was in so much pain today at the end of my session that all I could say was, "I've had enough, I've had enough." My therapist said, "let's close this down - you're done, OK?" I nodded but I didn't know what to say to feel better or really, how to even leave. I think I said, "I'm so discouraged, I feel ruined." And he said, "You won't always feel like this, I'm holding the hope that it will be different." I kind of railed at him and said, "you have to say that, it is your job to say that."
Tonight he called to check in and we had virtually the same conversation. He said I'm feeling so bad about myself right now that no matter what he says, I won't find it helpful, I'll call it "therapist speak." I felt kind of bad - did I hurt his feelings? I told him that even if that was true, I needed to believe that he believed it - that he was holding on to the hope for me for awhile. He said he was and that I knew that about him. He wants to back off tomorrow and work on containment again - but that made me quiet. He asked if I was thinking that he didn't want to hear anymore - and of course that was it. He said that wasn't it, it just is hard for him to see me hurting so much. He reminded me that he is with me in this and said, "that usually helps, at least a little."
It was hard to hang up because I don't know what I want from him right now, or how to "use" him. At the end of the session and at the end of the phone call, I felt small and all I really wanted was to curl up in a ball and have him hold me and protect me. I keep going back to where he said, "I'd say "X" but that doesn't seem to be helping you right now." So what will? If he doesn't know what to say and I don't know what to ask for - what now? I think I need Therapist Speak after all.
poster:Daisym
thread:812413
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/812413.html