Posted by twinleaf on February 13, 2008, at 2:31:19
In reply to Therapist Speak, posted by Daisym on February 12, 2008, at 23:10:51
Hi Daisy. Not that it makes it any easier, but I think everyone here has felt what you are feeling now. I certainly have. What first comes to my mind is that you DON'T WANT him to stop working through the most painful things with you. His saying that he wants to go more gently, to spare you, and to spare him also, might feel to you like you are being emotionally abandoned- left all alone in a nightmare of pain. The message from him right now seems, at least in part, to be that you and your suffering are too much even for such a skilled and empathic therapist as he is. It would probably be more helpful to you if you felt confident that he could stay with you through the very worst, while remaining hopeful and optimistic about your future. That would be much better than stopping the session early (I'm not sure if he actually did that), and indicating that he wants a safe, less painful session tomorrow. I think you are always the one who should determine how things go. You might want it safe for part of the session, and more probing and painful for another part of it.
When I get feeling desperate, my analyst will sometimes ask me whether I would like to just be there quietly in the room with him. With the words momentarily absent, everything changes. I tend not to know quite where to look, and feel very anxious, but these feelings calm way down after a few minutes. He is very comfortable with silence, (MANY years of practice!) and I am gradually learning to be a little more so. I know that he makes sure at those times, and in fact all the time, to keep me steadily in his mind. Both our gazes tend to roam around, first meeting, then separating, then meeting again. It's a lot like what a mother and baby do. Without fail, five or ten minutes of this takes away a lot of that terrible pain. It does it more effectively than any amount of interpreting. I think the reason it is so powerful, for me, is that what I am feeling at my worst is the pain of not having had a mother when I was a baby (she was hospitalized with post-partum depression). I wonder if something like what we do would be helpful to you.
There is another thing which jumps out at me- your therapist in fact may be having a really hard time tolerating the pain you are in now, and he may indeed feel reluctant to do anything that might make it worse, even temporarily. If this is really so, wouldn't it be good to have a thorough, honest discussion about it? Once it is out on the table, you and he will be in a much better position to work on a way out of the dilemma you are presently in. It should also put you both where you want to be-working together.
Since I'm mentioning all the things which are coming to mind- I wonder whether it is hard for you, also, to remain hopeful in the face of the reality how very long and slow therapy actually is. I know you make very big demands on yourself (me, too!), and maybe you feel, at times, that you have let yourself and your therapist down. I know I feel this way quite a lot, and it does help to air these feelings. I'm going to mention Dinah here- without permission- but I think it is just wonderful how in the TWELFTH year of therapy, a lot of things suddenly began to change for her. It just takes as long as it takes! And, because you will be a therapist yourself in the future, having some kind of ongoing therapy will probably be a part of your training.
Just a last thought- do you think regression is playing an important role in your therapy? I know therapists differ on how important they think regression is (I know you know all about this), but some think it's very important to get more in touch with painful, early feelings, while others feel that it's important to avoid regression altogether and instead concentrate on mastery and growth.In any event, I think everyone is agreed that regression should pretty much be confined to therapy hours, and that if it spills over into daily life, it isn't useful.
Having had the experience of going four and even five days a week, I know now that, for me, it was too much. I think the amount of early deprivation I had makes it hard for me to avoid an undesirable degree of regression when going almost every day. I have actually made much more progress in the past year going two or three times a week. It is such a help to me to be able to spend entire days doing adult things and having a chance to regain some sense of inner balance. My emotional problems are exactly the same, of course, but the experience of working on them with this therapist is completely new and unique; it bears no resemblance at all to what went on with the old analyst. I don't mean to give any hint that I am feeling that you should see another therapist (I was just referring to myself)- yours is the gold standard- a definite keeper. If you ever decided not to see him any more, half of Babble would move to California and line up outside his office!
These thought may be completely off the mark. But it does seem that now would be a good time to talk in depth about what may be going on between you, and what you both are feeling about the course of therapy. and one another.
poster:twinleaf
thread:812413
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/812433.html