Posted by ElaineM on May 8, 2007, at 14:04:41
I know I've been absent, and I'm sorry -- I had to take care of me seperate. And I'm sorry to turn to you all out of no where.
But I'm so upset today I can't stand :"( I just [as in, 10 minutes ago] got an email from LadyT saying....oh god, i can't even type it.....That she's stopping all emails. That it makes her uncomfortable now. Uncomfortable?!:"( I make her uncomfortable :( That she can't speak to me anymore without including my T now in everything..... :""( So if I want to see her for our last in-person, six-month check in, that I'd have to agree allow her full disclosure beforehand.....I'm gonna barf....
That means, her telling my T things that I CAN'T share with him. If I talk to her again, she'll tell him about this "male T" I have an "odd" relationship with. Which CAN'T happen!! I'd never ever allow that to happen. That would be the end of me! :"(
But also, that she'd tell him about the assault in Dec. I TOLD HER SPECIFICALLY that I was only trusting her with that. THat that's all I could deal with. HER alone!!! Now she'd go back on that promise that she made. She said I could trust her then -- could safely tell her about the antithesis of trust that I had to go through. I feel like being forced to tell would almost equally as humiliating. I hate myself.I can't take this. I don't know what I did to make this change come about. ???!?! I sent a small "I need to make sure you're still alive" email, just to check in and feel comfortable, yesterday -- but it'd been nearly two months since the last time I emailed her before that. What did I do? WHy does she want to throw me away too. I knew she'd come to hate me like everyone else. I've lost her now. I almost threwup all over the keyboard when reading it. And I feel like my temples are gonna burst off my face - head killing. :""( I feel like the most disgusting person in the world.
Then she ended it with, "I hope you understand". :"( Ten sentences ending our communication - I DON'T understand at all. Oh god. What am I going to do without her. I have no women in my life to talk to now. And no one else who knows any of the things I've been going through. First LadyDoc and now LadyT! :""( I don't know what to do. I'm never gonna be able to stop crying.
El
poster:ElaineM
thread:756826
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756826.html