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Re: dr-bob

Posted by alexandra_k on April 5, 2018, at 1:27:27

In reply to Re: dr-bob, posted by alexandra_k on April 4, 2018, at 21:51:00


all my life...

my mother only had me because she thought it would force my father to stay with her. she made him promise to stay with us until i was 16, or some such (that's when the spores are cast to the wind, in these parts), but he left when i was 7.

she abused me fairly significantly. mostly i had to stay in my room because i was 'bad'. i was constantly being punished for some infraction (real or imagined). anything involving money would send her into a freak out yelling ranting tail spin. not becaues she didn't have the money, but because she was crazy.

she got welfare money for having me and had a freehold house from the divorce so chose to save a lot of money. she used to brag about how i didn't eat over-much. i didn't cost her anywhere near as much as welfare gave her for me! she used to tell me she needed to go out to 'tough love' meetings and so on because i was so hard to love.

was that my just deserts, or was i entitled to better?

one mustn't feel entitled.
beggers can't be choosers, and so on.

i ran away a few times and eventually was placed in a group home, which was better than the previous situation, but still not amazing, for me.

i got welfare to live independently from 16 - only it wasn't enough for me to actually live independently, i needed to live with others to keep costs down, and they chose to stipulate that i needed to 'board' (with a family) rather than flat / rent with other teenagers / young adults.

i finished secondary school and went to university.

along the way of that i ended up in a relationship with one of my school teachers. they looked after me more like a parent, i suppose. but then the relationship turned pretty controlling and i felt a lot of emotional guilt that i didn't really want to be in a relationship with them but didn't have the financial means to independence...



in and out of hospital... university...

i did need psychodynamic therapy. i needed someone to help me work through all the sh*t that my mother had given me and all the sh*t i'd internalised over the years because i never had healthy / good role models to help me reconceptualise the sh*t. i did need that.


i didn't get that in this country, of course. just got a bunch more sh*t. i was doing it to myself and so on. i just needed to look after myself. the majority of health workers who were employed to 'help' hurt more than help. didn't have their own sh*t sorted, even.

but over the years i've started to come to some sort of peace.

actually, no. i've come to stop internalising the blame for everything. i used to go around 'what is wrong with me? what is wrong with me?' and of course people (the health system) used to chastise me for that... but it was better than the alternative... look at my sh*tty f*ck*ng life. people have treated me like crap for most of it.

this year: is the first time i've had my own house to live in. the first time i haven't been forced into living with other people who decide it is fun for them to try and guilt me into this and that and otherwise control me and so on.

getting away from the awful.

i'm 'rich'. i now get, like $300 a week (NZD). the average wage in this country is $1,000 a week. maybe i don't work hard. how many A's do I need? pooh pooh rubbish rubbish what you need is to do my taught course where i'll teach you... uh?



people keep taking me for a chump.

and why wouldn't they? i mean... they can, and all. it's fun for them. life is good for them.

and why the hell shouldn't i be forced to continue on making them happy enjoying the power they have. for their own good, of course.

i mean, really. what other point is there to my being put on this earth?

and this is something i want. because i want to have the knowledge to look after my health. because i don't trust the health system. because this country doesn't seem to want to give me the means so as i can purchase health insurance for myself or have the means so i can purchase health care (if i need to) outright for myself. they have been saying that people just need to look after themself... well, then, how about enroling me in a program of study that will actually teach me to look after myself properly, then. i don't mean 4 years of how you wash your hands degree or a degree in how to check if their is ceiling insulation i mean a medical / surgical degree.

because i want to help other people.

there are a lot of non-awful people out there. many of them have sh*tty lives. that's how come they have been beaten down by others into mental health issues... there are a lot of really great people in the mental health system. sensitive people who don't cope well with the psychopaths controlling their lives... i have empathy for those people.

but rich people have kids and they want their kids to look after them, so. there we go.

i was supposed to have a kid and that would have brought me how many lotto tickets into a better life as the kid grows up and looks after me... only... with my life expectancy... with the overpopulation problem that we have... with the problem we have of poor people having kids and their communities being expected to drag those kids up... what do i get for choosing to invest in me instead? what do i get for me spending how many years at university trying to learn what kids learn in how many years in school? I know I'm not dumber than them but here i am however many years later still f*ck*ng well saying I don't have the educational background that i do (and I don't).

THeir parents invested how much in their private schools (or housing so as to zone into a good public school)?

How does that compare to the years of funds I've thrown (via student loan) into the university system?

I thought that people would have the cognitive capacity to see...
But more fool me.

I suppose they see and laugh.

They like the game they are playing.

Well done them.

What would they have done with their lives if they had the life I had...

Again with the however many generations game...

And then you have midgets to control and controlling other things (we sometimes call people) is fun - yeah.

There aren't many persons here.




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