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Re: dr-bob

Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2017, at 14:02:52

In reply to Re: dr-bob, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2017, at 13:14:23

...and, i know, the three post rule... it makes me look obsessive... or something. and, i know, since my background is philosophy i must be argumentative. picking for a fight. only i'm not. well, then, there must be something else... maybe it's that i'm not young / naieve. there are a bunch of reasons why things are as they are (and must be the way they are) and mostly people just don't have the cognitive capacity to do things differently because they are running on full capacity just with doing what they are doing... it will be years before i could change anything. or, really, if what you really want to do is change things then you don't want to do clinical you want to do a PhD. or you want to just kill yourself and tell it to God, that's the way...

It's just a chump reason, in other words. The assumption that I lack the cognitive capacity...

and it's not about changing the world, just about doing what you can in a moment. one student who smiled at me... They had the power to do that, at least. In the short term. I'm not reccommdending that as a substitution for medicine for the masses.

so many... be mindful of persons.... Something about how not everyone can be a great chef - but a great chef can come from anywhere. Not everyone can throw out a person - but a person can come from anywhere. That's pehaps what I'm mindful of... How there can be persons trapped in situations where people aren't able to identify and respond at all to their person... The capacity for suffering...

i really thought it would be a meritocracy. at least a component of that.

all these excuses people will have...

or not. maybe they just needed me to say that I won't stay here and do (yet another) degree or stay here and try and get back into research. I really will go. It's let me do this, or I'm out of here. I will not settle for less, in this country. I've travelled around it and I've seen... I've tried to fit in / work in with other students... I'm done with thinking there is something wrong with me when I'm just different from other students. If they don't see / accept this in me...

I'm done.

Eventually it gets to be meritocracy... Or... More along those lines. I do understand that people want financial independence for their kids (even if they wouldn't want their kid to treat them, like, uh, ever, it would be good of their kid was independent and, uh, out of their hair). 'we never believed in private schools until we had our second and, uh, realised that one needed all the help he could get in life'. But eventually... Intellectual heirs... People you can work with... It's just this low level stuff... Getting started in the first place...

Why have things always been so hard / impossible for me?

It's not fair.

And now I see my dear Pacific Island friend laughing his deep belly laugh 'well, now, Alex, your problem is that you keep thinking that life is supposed to be fair'.

He needs a heart transplant which he won't get. From the valve failure which weren't replaced. From the infection he got from living in overcrowded damp conditions as a kid - and he didn't get antibiotics because 'kids like him' don't take their antibiotics, anyway...

On with the research studies...

Or... Some kids have the cognitive capacity to understand if you explain simply. Even (very occasionally) some parents...

I have the capacity for circles in my head... And... For taking more time to edit things up into something... I need to grow out of processing things here.

Words can't express what you have given to me over the years, Dr Bob. You didn't say or do all that much for me, personally, but via the boards and via my seeing you interact with other people. I can't bear much, anyway. If I've learned something about myself it's that 'sensible pleople know when to stop peeling their onions' and I aspire to be sensible. I'm better today than I would have been without you and without the boards. But I need to move on, now. Whatever happens for me, now, in my life. Enjoy your retirement. Thanks for... Uh... A differnet kind of public health?




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