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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:28:34
just a little round the edges
just a quiet touchheavy feeling...
draggy sadness...
and sometimes a twitch or two
of panici wonder if it will ever go away
i feel different from most people
apart from them
their lives are different
their lives were different
their lives are different
because their lives were different
no all of course
but they coped better
were more resiliant
or something...i feel blocken.
not completely i guess
but like little bits have broken off...
i'm aging before my time
and i guess i've been hell bent on an early grave for a while now.i feel sad a lot
sad and sombre
and only animated when i'm inappropriately intense
did anyone play sim people?
it is a computer game...
and after a while...
you need your sim people to make friends
in order to get promotion
i'm not even good at that on computer games.
and there are these little bubbles that pop up
and little plusses and minuses when the different people are enjoying or not enjoying themselves
and quite a lot
quite a lot when i'm talking or listening
i can see those little bubbles
and people really don't have much of a good time
talking to me
and i just want to withdraw...
but that is worse for me in the long run...
so i just have to go along...
with the knowledge that i'm just making up numbers really
and that mostly people aren't so keen on talking to meand i'm no good at the light social stuff.
never was.
never was alound
never was cause i never was allowed.i don't think it ever will get properly better
i wish i didn't need people
i wish i could just get lost in my work
i used to
but then i used to get so panicked about it
so panicked that i'd end up in hospital.but i've learned to be lazy and avoidant
and i feel sad.
Posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:32:59
In reply to little bit of pain..., posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:28:34
i hope its not a painful death
i'd just like to go to sleep and never wake up
sometimes the world...
just feels too cold.
too cold for some
others see opportunities
opportunities and choices
and they can fairly much do whatever they want to do
i'm not used to choices
not really used to opportunities either
and fear
the fear
even when there are options and choices
i'm terrified...
terrified of doing things on my own.
and...
i'm all alone in the world.
really.and mothers day...
brought it all back home.
and i felt quite nauseous after the mother
after the step mother
i am better off away from there
but even here
i can't run away from myself
i can't leave the past sh*t behind
and i don't know that there is any hope for me
and i don't know what it is that i want
what it is that i need
to get better.
i don't know how to get better.
it is too scarey.
too scarey to do scarey stuff.
brings back the terror of being a kid
of being a teenager
so scarey
life can be too scarey sometimes
too scarey for me :-(
Posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:37:23
In reply to Re: little bit of pain..., posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:32:59
and i think what you are supposed to do...
is find someone to look after you
a husband or something.but that would never work for me
'cause i'm too scared of people
and i'm too scared of myself
and as i felt safer in the world...
i'd probably grow to resent the person anyway
resent not having my freedom
and so either way...
and it would be for the wrong reasons...
and i can't figure whether most people get married for the wrong reasons...
or whether most people just attach to people better.
some people seem to go from relaitonship to relaitonship
and me... i don't
too scared i guess
too scared of intimacy
too scared of being alone
there is nothing to be done.and the body is old and disgusting and repulsive anyway
and i'm no good at social chatter
and who would want me?
i wouldn't
not for worlds
i just want to go to sleep...
Posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:49:46
In reply to Re: little bit of pain..., posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:37:23
and it will be nice to talk to my t
to be able to talk to somebody here
without having to put on a happy face
or not go in because i can't put on a happy facei'm technically disabled
and people don't get that...
'cause i worked so hard...
so hard...
to be able to walk without crutches
to be able to walk at ordinary walking pace
and yeah i've told them
about the plates and stuff
car crash i said
what was i supposed to say?
but someone here used to be a GP and he came into the conversation late
and he said 'wow you must have fallen off one hell of a height'
and i just blushed
and probably looked like i was going to cry
(is it that obvious? i guess it is)
and he said 'sorry - too personal' and looked a little embarrassed
and i don't think anybody believes me...
and i'm a liar anyways.
but i can't tell them the truth...
and i hack up stuff...
i can't have had 'a touch of the flu'
for two years straight...
i'm probably on my way to getting lung cancer
or bronchitus
or emphesema or something
and my back...
i can't stand / sit up straight
part of it is self esteem
i think i've always stooped
'cause i feel like i'm oversize
a gigantic elephant
so i think i've always stooped
and hung my head a little
but i fractured my back
and maybe what happened...
is that it has set.
and so i get a bit of back pain
and i can't seem to sit up straight
without looking / feeling
really very unnatural and uncomfortable
physically and mentally
and my feet are deformed...
and i've got SI scars on my arms
the ones on my upper arms...
well it is obvious they are self inflicted
but when people ask (as they do as they do)
i say 'car crash'
and they know i'm a liar.
and my skin is getting old...
'cause i eat too much convenience sh*t
'cause i smoke so much
'cause i live off coke and never drink waterearly grave...
was what i wanted...i hope it isn't painful
i hope it isn't painful
i hope it isn't more painful than this.why do i feel so sad???
Posted by James K on May 15, 2006, at 15:05:43
In reply to Re: little bit of pain..., posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:49:46
I'm very sad to read this. I wish there were things I could say or do to help. I'm having a thought, and it might seem irrelevant to your pain and your expression of it, but I want to say it anyway.
The trees can't see your scars.
james k
Posted by henrietta on May 16, 2006, at 20:26:28
In reply to Re: little bit of pain..., posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:49:46
I don't read everything, so I don't know---have you told us about this? I don't know it. And I'm not sure if you're speaking metaphorically...
Fell from a great height? Technicaly disabled?
What happened? I'm sorry if you've written it and I missed it. And don't feel you have to write more about it if you'd rather not.
Either way, psychically or physically, the pain is real and I'm so sorry you have gone through it, are going through it....
I knew about other abuse, but not about this.
Oh, dear child.........
with love, hen
Posted by Estella on May 17, 2006, at 7:56:18
In reply to Re: little bit of pain... » Estella, posted by henrietta on May 16, 2006, at 20:26:28
i think i've talked about it a little, but not very much. yeah i count as technically disabled. i guess that means i could register with the disability office and things like that. don't know whether it means i would qualify for a disabled sticker on my car. i think that is based more on performance. i don't need one, so i wouldn't get one basically.
i... jumped off a highway bypass. it wasn't really such a great height... it was more falling on the hard tarmac.
about a month in hospital. two operations on my left leg / foot and three operations on my right leg / foot. i think i broke both the bones in both my legs... shattered a lot of the small bones in my feet. broke my right heel bone. have a plate and lots of screws in my left leg to hold that together. have a lot of screws in my right ankle to hold that together. they told me i would never be able to walk without crutches. but then they also said that that was compared to others with comperable injuries who tended to be older (and who possibly milked it a little in order to claim accident compensation so they didn't have to go back to tiling roofs or something like that).
wheelchair for four months. cast on my left leg and an external fixture on my right leg / ankle. my right foot has set on an angle (from the heel) and i have very restricted ankle movement in both legs. has to have both feet up in the air for ages otherwise they would swell up and ache. i didn't realise i was on so much morphene until they suggested the methodone program to wean me off of it.
then crutches. had to go back to hospital for one week to learn to use them. to motivate me to use them mostly. had the cast / ex fix removed. they made me use the crutches. you wouldn't believe the pain... mostly because my right heel isn't smooth anymore. it is lumpy and walking without shoes on hard surfaces is next to impossible (and always will be) because the pressure of my weight on the lumpy bits sends me through the roof. can do it a little now... but not much. takes a while to adjust to standing up in the mornings. to get the ankes working.
did lots of walking around in the physio pool. and maybe 4 or 6 months of physio. lots of physio when i was in the cast and ex fix too. to try and get my foot setting a bit straighter. but hard. painful because moving them kind of disturbed the bones. and the physio thought that it was okay for me to swing my ankle with the pin through it and no i don't think it was supposed to rotate with the pin. that hurt a lot.
have figured out how to get by. can tip off steps without a rail because i don't have the ankle flexability to step off them. can't crouch either because of ankle flexability.
most people don't notice. because i worked really hard to walk at ordinary walking pace. but people don't really notice when they are crossing roads and goofing around pushing people a bit or kicking a ball to them or stuff like that. my balance is pretty bad now. can't kick a ball and i can fall over if someone gives me a friendly shove and stuff like that. i tell people... but i guess they don't really get it. because i walk around okay.
i learned to tune out the pain signals and don't take anything for them now. have been going out dancing a bit (techno club stuff). i can't jump around like i used to but i can do a bit. i love that. it is worth doing it even though it means i can barely walk for three days. i take anti inflammatories and panadol after doing that though.
they said to think of it as degenerative arthritus. the bones aren't smooth at the joints anymore. they aren't covered by cartilage. just jagged bone on jagged bone and sometimes they haven't set right and they are weak anyway from having been broken / smashed. they say... it will only get worse as the bone rubs and rubs and so to think of it as degenerative arthritus. to plan for wheelchair later in life.
haven't SI'd since then...
and nobody would work with me after that...
i think that is one of the main things that put them off...
i was terminated. i remember being terminated. ringing crisis. going into hospital. in there for a couple days... time coming and going... missing a lot... conversation with p-doc. don't remember what happened... must have been discharged... must have left hospital... and went to find the nearest bridge. i don't really remember...
but yeah.
i guess it is since that that they were reluctant with hospitalisations.
i guess it is since then that they were reluctant to give me a clinician.
though the reluctance to give me a clinician started before that... terminated with 'i haven't been able to help you therefore nobody can'. despair. i thought things were never going to improve. and it was around exams... and i had a bitch of an exam day of discharge... and i couldn't study in hospital... wasn't in fit state (in my opinion which isn't worth a lot) lots of stuff there... lots of stuff...
Posted by henrietta on May 17, 2006, at 14:29:53
In reply to Re: little bit of pain..., posted by Estella on May 17, 2006, at 7:56:18
Oh, Estella. I don't have words. I am so sorry.
You are very strong. Unimaginably strong. A fighter. To survive all you've been through...I am so grateful you've finally found someone who can help. Someone who can be strong for you for a while, so you can rest a bit perhaps.
I wish I knew what to say, knew some way to help ease your pain.
((((((((Estella))))))
love, hen
Posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 5:32:53
In reply to Re: little bit of pain... » Estella, posted by henrietta on May 17, 2006, at 14:29:53
hey. sorry about that. i understand that you don't know what to say... i don't really know what to say either. i've never said it before. nobody asked. nobody wanted to talk about it. maybe they thought it would be too hard for me so they never asked. i don't know. i don't know. um. now i feel really embarrased and really stupid. really very f*cking stupid. i don't really remember... but sometimes i do. it comes and goes in waves. what i remember most clearly is falling... falling... falling... then hitting. the most intense pain. and i remember this lady... walking up and down on her cellphone. and screaming... this intense screaming... but maybe it was just in my head and i wasn't making any noise. i don't know.
more comes and goes. getting there. looking. waiting for the lights to change. i kind of remember (dispassionately) that i was a little concerned about not causing a car crash. i didn't want anybody to get hurt.
i don't know. i guess i thought... that there weren't any other options. the solution was simple... did i think i was going to die? i don't know. i think long before that i had fairly much resigned myself to the point that i am a coward and can't seem to bring myself to do anything that would actually ensure that. but i know it certainly did not occur to me that i would f*ck up my legs. that i could have died if i'd have landed on my back or my front or my head. sorry... i'm sorry this is probably one hell of a lot more than anyone wanted to know. maybe that is why nobody ever really asked.
now i feel ashamed about it. why did i do it? attention seeking? to get back into hospital? to manipulate people into doing what i wanted? to get a clinician? i don't know. i don't know.
maybe that is why i didn't get one. they didn't want to reinforce such behaviour. maybe they couldn't find anyone who would work with me after that.
a p-doc came. asked some questions. about how i was feeling. he asked me whether i wanted to die. he told me not to tell him the answer then. to think about it. and he would come back and talk to me and then i could tell him my answer.
he never came back.
probably said it as part of the 'building rapport' thing. only came because the general ward wasn't happy about my being there.
i'm sorry...
i shouldn't talk about it.
Posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 5:44:55
In reply to Re: little bit of pain... » henrietta, posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 5:32:53
but it took a couple months for the falling sensation to cease. still happens when i'm going off to sleep. still get that sometimes. sick feeling in my stomach. now when i get an urge to SI i remember the falling and hitting falling and hitting and it is a substitute for hurting myself. or i can hurt myself by trying to jump or crouch or straighten my ankles or something like that. something inconspicuous that doesn't do any more harm. think about the pain... just become aware of it and there it is. takes away the urge to hurt myself.
i'm sorry
Posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 5:49:53
In reply to Re: little bit of pain... » Estella, posted by henrietta on May 17, 2006, at 14:29:53
sorry should have said before...
i guess it has been something there has been a drive to do...
to have an outward expression of the inner pain.
and it does that.
i don't know why but there is some relief in that. i'm sorry. i know that sounds sick. but there is some relief in that. i'm not reccomending that strategy to anyone... but i think that was a turning point for me. after that things got better.
days in hospital.
i remember thinking 'why don't they come'
like the owen poem
'why don't they come'
my parents
man oh man that was crazy
they didn't want to come
they didn't want to know me
there was some reassurance in that
my father was in a panic
he didn't want a girl...
but a disabled girl???
hell no
nobody came...acting it out
acting it out
am i doomed to act it out for ever???????
Posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 5:53:07
In reply to Re: ****trigger thread****, posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 5:49:53
and those who come come to abuse
dammit
how trusting should one be?
how trusting can one afford to be?
after ones trust is broken?
'cause its broken nowand people know estella eh?
she's the girl from dickens
great expectations
she managed to learn to love
before it was too late
though she lived most of her life
acting out the hatred of her aunt (i think it was her aunt)
who was hurt
and taught her to be cold
and unreachable
she learned to love
i wonder whether there is hope for me
i wonder if anyone has hope for me
'cause sometimes i lose hope
and just have a memory of falling...
Posted by henrietta on May 21, 2006, at 14:39:15
In reply to Re: ****trigger thread****, posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 5:53:07
I wondered if you were thinking of that Estella when you picked this name....but I decided not, because I only remembered her as cold and didn't remember her pain ... And I don't think of you as cold and unfeeling... (I'd forgotten the ending.)
First, can I say that if I don't respond sometimes, or am slow to respond, it's not because of anything you've said or done. Please promise me you will remember that. It will be because either I'm staying away from the computer for any of a number of reasons (I really don't like to spend much time online), or because of my own stuff. It will NEVER be because you've done anything wrong.
I worried a bit that I shouldn't have asked you about this, that maybe you weren't ready to talk about it, or had already processed it and didn't want it opened up again, and were sorry you had written about it. I'm not sorry you wrote about it. I'm only sorry it happened, that you were in so much pain that you hurt yourself so badly.
But I DO think there's hope, yes I do. This new therapist can help, or if she can't, you can find someone who will. I think you've got so many strengths and virtues, and such wisdom and compassion, that I honestly, truly believe there is hope for you. You have amazing resilience...
I think you'll be able to hold on (and do more than just hold on) until you find someone to help you, until you find the help and care you deserve.
You seem immensely loveable to me, and I can't believe that you won't find other people who feel that, who see it in you.Brave. That's the word I keep thinking when I think of you. You are tremendously brave.
Love, hen
Posted by Damos on May 21, 2006, at 17:45:41
In reply to Re: little bit of pain..., posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 5:44:55
((((((((((Estella))))))))))
Please know
You are not all alone in the world - though I know it feels like it
You are not alone in feeling the way you do
There are people who miss you, would miss you
There are people who careThere is nothing about you that is
Too bad
Too hard, or
Too much
To hear or bear
NothingYour opinion is worth a lot
Is important
Does matter
There are people who listen
Who appreciate what you have to say
Value it greatly
Who are helped so much by it
Just enjoy talking with youI am so sorry that you have been hurt so much
Have hurt for so long
And that things bring all of that back for you
I truly am
And wish I knew how to make it hurt
Even just a little less
Make life a little less scary
Help you feel safeIt was only a couple of years ago that I realised
That I carried myself
Had always carried myself
Like a human question mark
An apologyThank you for these posts
I'm sorry I never asked
Guess I figured with time and trust
You'd talk about it when you were ready
And I've pushed too much before :-(Sharing your stuff
Is not a burden or a hardship
It is a gift
A precious gift to us
That helps us too
You are a precious gift to usIt means a lot
To be your friend
Makes such a difference
Is a good feeling always
Is a nice place to be
Is hopeYou give reason to be hopeful
There is so much hope for you
And there is so much I hope for for youHen is so right in so many things she said about you.
You have nothing to feel ashamed about
Nothing to be sorry for
Posted by henrietta on May 21, 2006, at 19:34:32
In reply to Re: little bit of pain... » Estella, posted by Damos on May 21, 2006, at 17:45:41
Estella: Yes. Damos said it so beautifully and directly.
There is nothing about you that is
too bad
too hard
too much to hear or bearSharing your stuff
is a giftThank you Damos for saying what I wanted to say;
saying it so well.Believe us, Estella.
love, hen
Posted by henrietta on May 23, 2006, at 19:24:05
In reply to little bit of pain..., posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:28:34
sorry you'll be away
for a whileremember
not daddy
not buddha
not god
just a guy
building
a
careernot socrates
not plato
or aristotle
just a guy building
a
careernot ghandi
not nelson mandela
not even jimmy
carter
or
bill
clintonjust a
guy building
a careerAND remember
these famous
unchallenged
words:
people are
rewarded for
following
the
rules
oh, the
horrormuch love, hen
Posted by agent858 on June 4, 2006, at 23:35:33
In reply to Re: little bit of pain... » Estella, posted by henrietta on May 23, 2006, at 19:24:05
i love you hen
i'll never forget you
thank you
(((((((hen)))))))
you are beautiful
Posted by henrietta on June 5, 2006, at 7:09:14
In reply to Re: hen, posted by agent858 on June 4, 2006, at 23:35:33
Ah, sweet girl. Thank you. Please take care. I think you may be right about leaving this place.
But maybe at some point you'll be able to take the good and ignore the bad. I can't seem to do it, but some people can....I need to leave, too. I know it would be better for me.........
Oh, and yes, about Brio. She was a great favorite of mine, too!Nurture your precious self. I think your list below is a good one.
Much love, hen
This is the end of the thread.
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