Posted by Estella on May 15, 2006, at 4:28:34
just a little round the edges
just a quiet touchheavy feeling...
draggy sadness...
and sometimes a twitch or two
of panici wonder if it will ever go away
i feel different from most people
apart from them
their lives are different
their lives were different
their lives are different
because their lives were different
no all of course
but they coped better
were more resiliant
or something...i feel blocken.
not completely i guess
but like little bits have broken off...
i'm aging before my time
and i guess i've been hell bent on an early grave for a while now.i feel sad a lot
sad and sombre
and only animated when i'm inappropriately intense
did anyone play sim people?
it is a computer game...
and after a while...
you need your sim people to make friends
in order to get promotion
i'm not even good at that on computer games.
and there are these little bubbles that pop up
and little plusses and minuses when the different people are enjoying or not enjoying themselves
and quite a lot
quite a lot when i'm talking or listening
i can see those little bubbles
and people really don't have much of a good time
talking to me
and i just want to withdraw...
but that is worse for me in the long run...
so i just have to go along...
with the knowledge that i'm just making up numbers really
and that mostly people aren't so keen on talking to meand i'm no good at the light social stuff.
never was.
never was alound
never was cause i never was allowed.i don't think it ever will get properly better
i wish i didn't need people
i wish i could just get lost in my work
i used to
but then i used to get so panicked about it
so panicked that i'd end up in hospital.but i've learned to be lazy and avoidant
and i feel sad.
poster:Estella
thread:644153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060331/msgs/644153.html