Posted by Estella on May 21, 2006, at 5:32:53
In reply to Re: little bit of pain... » Estella, posted by henrietta on May 17, 2006, at 14:29:53
hey. sorry about that. i understand that you don't know what to say... i don't really know what to say either. i've never said it before. nobody asked. nobody wanted to talk about it. maybe they thought it would be too hard for me so they never asked. i don't know. i don't know. um. now i feel really embarrased and really stupid. really very f*cking stupid. i don't really remember... but sometimes i do. it comes and goes in waves. what i remember most clearly is falling... falling... falling... then hitting. the most intense pain. and i remember this lady... walking up and down on her cellphone. and screaming... this intense screaming... but maybe it was just in my head and i wasn't making any noise. i don't know.
more comes and goes. getting there. looking. waiting for the lights to change. i kind of remember (dispassionately) that i was a little concerned about not causing a car crash. i didn't want anybody to get hurt.
i don't know. i guess i thought... that there weren't any other options. the solution was simple... did i think i was going to die? i don't know. i think long before that i had fairly much resigned myself to the point that i am a coward and can't seem to bring myself to do anything that would actually ensure that. but i know it certainly did not occur to me that i would f*ck up my legs. that i could have died if i'd have landed on my back or my front or my head. sorry... i'm sorry this is probably one hell of a lot more than anyone wanted to know. maybe that is why nobody ever really asked.
now i feel ashamed about it. why did i do it? attention seeking? to get back into hospital? to manipulate people into doing what i wanted? to get a clinician? i don't know. i don't know.
maybe that is why i didn't get one. they didn't want to reinforce such behaviour. maybe they couldn't find anyone who would work with me after that.
a p-doc came. asked some questions. about how i was feeling. he asked me whether i wanted to die. he told me not to tell him the answer then. to think about it. and he would come back and talk to me and then i could tell him my answer.
he never came back.
probably said it as part of the 'building rapport' thing. only came because the general ward wasn't happy about my being there.
i'm sorry...
i shouldn't talk about it.
poster:Estella
thread:644153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060331/msgs/646481.html