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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on March 30, 2005, at 13:46:18
to kill the love I feel,
what I felt
when I thought
I meant something to somebody,
Someone beautiful to me
And wonderful, wonderfully kind,
and full of loving feelings,
sometimes sexual,
oh yes, in my mind,
my beautiful mind.You wonderful old soul, how I love you... both of us. You, and I, I loved us together. What lovely thoughts, and feelings, sensations and desires I never really understood the existence of, before.
Does that make any sense?
Do you see me, still?
In your mind's eye, do you ever see
the beautiful version of me?
The one I think you've never
ever really seen.
Because maybe, just maybe,
she might not exist.
She might be only
in my beautiful mind.
Posted by Damos on March 30, 2005, at 23:36:10
In reply to How Much Does It Take, posted by Susan47 on March 30, 2005, at 13:46:18
I spy with my minds eye someone beginning with S. And she's truly, deeply, wondrously beautiful - expecially with her new haircut ;-)
Posted by PM80 on March 31, 2005, at 6:41:02
In reply to How Much Does It Take, posted by Susan47 on March 30, 2005, at 13:46:18
I really liked what you wrote. It was beautiful - beauty that could ony have come from one who is truly beautiful. Any lack of worth you fear does not come from you. Maybe the lack of worth (or fear of a lack of worth) comes from the other. No one is perfect, we are only perfectly human.
Posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 12:23:26
In reply to Re: How Much Does It Take, posted by PM80 on March 31, 2005, at 6:41:02
Mind, my mind is very scattered.
I do only what I want.
I am ruled by what I want.
Ineffectual,
that's me,Beautiful,
that's you.
You, with
your control.
Fuschia
over grey.In my beautiful mind.. from yours, to mine. Thank you. Days.. of peace.
Posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 13:34:31
In reply to Re: How Much Does It Take, posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 12:23:26
It's driving me where I do not want to go.
No. I refuse.
I will not go there.
Will not cave,
this time.
Because the looks
will be dirty.
So much filth
portrayed on
a face that was
once,
beautiful.
It will kill me,
to go there.
I must remember this.
Posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 13:38:28
In reply to Anxiety, posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 13:34:31
the face, so much sadness is in me when I can't remember his face, because I know there was honesty and beauty in the look. And it hurts, it tears me up, knowing it's unavailable to me, my mind's eye fails me when I most need it, the reassurance, the love and caring, the illusion of it that was so important to me and carried me through so much in the last few days .. no one will ever understand ... it not understandable. It just is not, by those who don't feel it. I'm dying.
Posted by PM80 on March 31, 2005, at 15:06:14
In reply to I can't Remember, posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 13:38:28
I have felt this way. No doubt our circumstances and history are different, but I know what it feels like to... , well, it IS hard to put into words. Such sadness that you feel you are drowning in it. All that you based everything on suddenly is gone. It does not exist anymore and you wonder how it could have been possible to have seemed so solid when it now is revealed to have been an illusion. All your hopes no longer are. The one source of strength you depended on, does not want you to depend on him any longer. Yes, it feels like you are dying. BUT you could not feel like you are dying if you weren't actually alive. Keep writing here, and just put one foot in front of the other in front of the other - even if you are crying all the way. For me, I still miss him three years later, but it does not in any way define my life now.
I could be reading your posts wrong, but they just remind me of me 3 years ago. The truth is that it was solid, but it is not now. And this is not the contradiction that I initially thought it was. You must be a remarkable person to be able to love like you do.
Posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 16:22:10
In reply to I have felt this way, posted by PM80 on March 31, 2005, at 15:06:14
Not remarkable, I don't think, but scared yes.
Because I can't be trusted,
apparently.
I am the bogeyman
who never was.
I cannot be trusted
to say it's okay.
I understand.Apparently.
Posted by Damos on March 31, 2005, at 17:55:19
In reply to I can't Remember, posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 13:38:28
Dearest Susan,
There are times I can't remember Michelle's face (Katie's mum) either, and if you're feeling anything close to the way that makes me feel then I am sorry, just so very sorry. Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t I've done it now. There's so much I wanted to tell you, but I just can't open those doors any further, I just can't. Can't afford to admit those thoughts, accept those truths, feel that pain. Too late, damn, damn, damn. Never ever heard her say "I love you" or even "I loved you once" or anything even close. Not once in 20+ years of knowing each other, nothing, not even sure I was ever even there or that any of it exists beyond my imagination and twisted memories. But I can't not love her, cause at times it's all I am. At others its all that keeps me alive. Can't and don't trust myself on so many levels in so many ways. My heart is breaking for you Susan, just want to wrap my arms around you and cry with you till there's no more tears to come.
((((((Susan47))))))
Posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 18:37:24
In reply to Re: I have felt this way » PM80, posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 16:22:10
I've done something terrible,
something I cannot be forgiven for.
I've made him afraid of me.
Afraid. And Angry.Never to be known, and accepted
for who I am,
not who I was.
The person I want to be
is inside me.
Waiting.Waiting for what?
Safety.
There was no safety there.
There is no safety, anywhere
for someone like me.
Always on the verge of dying.
Posted by damos on March 31, 2005, at 21:02:18
In reply to Something terrible, posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 18:37:24
Dearest Susan,
This doesn't sound good at all good and I'm really worried about you. Afraid for you. Can you tell me what has happened. You're right I don't know your story well enough to truly understand, but I'm willing to try if you'll let me, even just a little.
Please, please, please take care.
Posted by sunny10 on April 1, 2005, at 10:51:41
In reply to Something terrible, posted by Susan47 on March 31, 2005, at 18:37:24
you have not made him feel fear. He is bound by ethical standards that dictate that he cannot tell you what he thinks of you. He cannot tell you that he trusts you; he cannot tell you that he doesn't fear you; and his marriage binds him against saying anything at all to you about the fact that you are a strong female and he is male.
He can never tell you that you are beautiful. He can never tell you that you aren't scary. He cannot say a h*ll of a lot of things. But him not being able to talk to you this way does not dictate what kind of person you are, sweetie.
You are beautiful, and kind, and sexy, and vibrant, and in no way at all are you scary unless it is in a "I'm unavailable and she is so attractive that I do not trust myself with her" kind of scary. I think your passionate personality must be really hard to stay away from- a frightening thought to anyone who is emotionally and legally unavailable. You are a flame- a lot of people are moths...the truly secure people enjoy the energy, sight, and vibrancy of you without being afraid. People with inner power don't fear the inner power of others- simple as that. There is a fine line between ethics and morality. As a caring therapist, he should have told you exactly why he was terminating with you, as a weak professional, he hid behind his "rules" and said nothing.
You need to see that he ended your contact with him because of HIS issues- not yours!
I'm glad you wrote it all out like you said you would... I hope it brought a cathartic peace to pound your fingers on the keyboard and put it all out here.
Big mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh to you!!
-sunny10
Posted by Susan47 on April 1, 2005, at 21:12:03
In reply to Re: Something terrible, posted by sunny10 on April 1, 2005, at 10:51:41
Oh, Sunny, that is really really kind of funny.
Oh, this is funny, honey. Oh yes. I laughed out LOUD, out LOUD, I tell you, when I read this it was so cool. "I do not trust myself with her...." I'm still chuckling. No, that wasn't it, no. Not that it wouldn't have been lovely to think I could have that kind of feeling from someone I thought so highly of .. no, that would've been lovely, but definitely not realistic. I guess you'd have to meet this guy yourself, you know what I mean, to understand how cool and in control he really is. It's quite lovely, really, and I think it's the quality that most drew me to him, and in the end, the one that sunk me too. No, I think I know what it is and it has to do more with my children and what happened a few months back.
Anyway none of it matters now.
Posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 10:04:37
In reply to Re: Something terrible, posted by sunny10 on April 1, 2005, at 10:51:41
Yesterday,
in the wind, and the sun, and the rain,
in God's beauty
we strolled, arm in arm
through the cemetery
by the sea,
and I thought of you.
Posted by PM80 on April 2, 2005, at 10:13:26
In reply to Re: Something terrible » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on April 1, 2005, at 21:12:03
After reading Sunny's last post, I looked at the psych board. And I got the picture. I felt sad so with you. Your words contain so much feeling. I do not exactly know what you are going through, but I can understand pain.
> I guess you'd have to meet this guy yourself, you know what I mean, to understand how cool and in control he really is.
Most people who are "cool and in control" are covering up just how out of control they feel about something. Simply choosing not to deal with something is a way of feeling in control.
>Anyway none of it matters now.
This statement concerns me. Sunny is right about you. You should read what she wrote last because it is what I see in you, too. You are NOT the problem. You are NOT all wrong. You are NOT pathetic. He is NOT perfection.
You are hurting and that is OK. You opened yourself up enough to get hurt, to be exposed. That makes you wonderfully human.
You ARE beautiful. You ARE worthwhile. I put no stipulations on these statements.
Posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 10:23:43
In reply to Re: Something terrible, posted by PM80 on April 2, 2005, at 10:13:26
The none of it mattering is actually me referring to something that happened at school. My practicum coach took a job elsewhere, I have no practicum placement at the moment, in a class of 19 I'm the only one who hasn't started her practicum ... because I don't have one ... I cried for a day and a night, went through hell internally, blaming myself, and it is not my fault, you know, it really isn't, so now I'm going to deal with it.
It's just more bad feeling heaped on bad feeling heaped on bad feeling ... the moments of euphoria are all I live for, anymore. But there's such a terrible downside to them, you know? I just don't function well without stability, I needed a stable partner all my life, I never had that, no childhood with any type of stability, no adulthood except that dead one I created for myself, now love comes, totally crazy and forbidden and irrational, horrible to feel so inadequate and ugly and awful, but looking at someone with such desire, such longing and attachment, none of it real, the attachment really not there, only self-created ...Another day to get through. Up, down, and all around.
Posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 16:31:16
In reply to Re: Something terrible » PM80, posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 10:23:43
In the palm of the hand.
A quick shake,
but enough to know.
Damp, warm, alive ...
nervous.
Frightened.Knowing the concerns
You took a risk,
one hastily calculated.
Because it had to be.
There was so little time.Time for this frightened creature,
this shadow of a self,
to feel the benefits
that only you could bestow.
Or so you thought.I knew.
I always knew.
Too big, the intensity
was all wrong for this frightened,
self-less woman/girl.You could not reign in my fear
Instead, it spread to you,
Wrapped you in tentacles,
squeezed until life barely existed.And in the translation
you for me and me for you,
I found desire
for an unforgotten self.And I thank you,
and I hate you
I love you ...It's true that only the ones you love, will hurt you.
I hurt you.
Didn't I just ...
and the only thing left to do,
is to say Goodbye.Good-bye.
Silent, shadow lover, love, my love ... my mind is such a place as no one else will ever know.(This'll be embarrassing in the morning ... well, actually, in about thirty minutes if I'm honest ...)
Posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 16:39:35
In reply to Sweat, posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 16:31:16
I hate the cowardly way
you behaved, in the end.You were a coward.
And you had no trust,
none,
for me.
I, who needed it most.
I had to provide the trust for MYSELF!!!!I hate you sometimes.
Because you lie.
You lie to yourself
And you lied to me.You were never honest.
Never.
A simple conversation,
something like, "I want to build your trust. I want you to trust me. I can be trusted."
No. Just simple machinations,
manipulations of speech,
dress, voice, tone ...But now they're not so simple anymore,
are they? Because I've finally caught on...
When you've decided
to no longer trust yourself.So yes, it was always about trust.
Oh dear.
I deserve better than this.
Oh yes.
I do.No matter what the truth is,
I didn't get it.
Because you didn't give it.The truth could have been,
Oh this one is tiresome,
oh yes, I've had enough of this
She's a crazy one ...I remember the day you so sweetly said, "Shoot"
It was also just after you said to a colleague,
"Yes, people do amazing things, don't they?"Yes.
They do.
Posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 16:59:37
In reply to Oh Yes And, posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 16:39:35
I think I just said it out loud for the first time, that I might actually be worthy, worthy .. of great love. Sometime, from someone. Even from me. Oh. And others, maybe, and I can love others that way too, I know that now for sure ... oh dear, I sound like a child. :{
Posted by sunny10 on April 2, 2005, at 22:26:38
In reply to How embarrassing, posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 16:59:37
you don't sound like a child at all!
Posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 14:05:57
In reply to Re: Something terrible » PM80, posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 10:23:43
And so I go to this meeting, today, with my practicum manager, the head of the department, and my ombudsman, precious-man-whom-I-have-yet-to-meet oh dear, oh dear oh dear this is nervous-making, I go to this meeting that SHOULD NOT BE, absolutely stoned to the eyeballs.
Oi. Susan, you are self-defeating, my dear.
Why do you do it? Because you need to be inflated, sometimes, from the inside out. Sometimes, the brain needs to see things from many angles .. but Susan, you get so discombobulated when you do that, you should know, by now, that in things of a business or worldly nature, you do not do well when unfocussed. And now you are.You so totally are.
Whose palms are sweaty now?
Posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 16:20:35
In reply to Re: Something terrible, posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 14:05:57
Because everything is okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Life will be lived.
Posted by sunny10 on April 5, 2005, at 9:08:58
In reply to Relief, posted by Susan47 on April 4, 2005, at 16:20:35
how'd it go?
Posted by Susan47 on April 5, 2005, at 9:55:41
In reply to Re: Relief » Susan47, posted by sunny10 on April 5, 2005, at 9:08:58
Practicum manager is going to find me a practicum, has always intended to, they just wanted to make sure that I want it now. Because of all the shite in my life they wanted to make sure I feel ready. And I do. More than. The last seven months have been a slow-moving hell as far as career and learning go. They should've done this course in two intense months and kicked us out of there long ago.
Posted by sunny10 on April 5, 2005, at 12:05:31
In reply to Re: Relief, posted by Susan47 on April 5, 2005, at 9:55:41
oh, sweets, I'm so happy for you! Keep me posted, okay? I am attempting to live vicariously through you- though no pressure! I just really needed to hear something good happening for someone I love. I'm so glad it's you.
This is the end of the thread.
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