Posted by Susan47 on April 2, 2005, at 10:23:43
In reply to Re: Something terrible, posted by PM80 on April 2, 2005, at 10:13:26
The none of it mattering is actually me referring to something that happened at school. My practicum coach took a job elsewhere, I have no practicum placement at the moment, in a class of 19 I'm the only one who hasn't started her practicum ... because I don't have one ... I cried for a day and a night, went through hell internally, blaming myself, and it is not my fault, you know, it really isn't, so now I'm going to deal with it.
It's just more bad feeling heaped on bad feeling heaped on bad feeling ... the moments of euphoria are all I live for, anymore. But there's such a terrible downside to them, you know? I just don't function well without stability, I needed a stable partner all my life, I never had that, no childhood with any type of stability, no adulthood except that dead one I created for myself, now love comes, totally crazy and forbidden and irrational, horrible to feel so inadequate and ugly and awful, but looking at someone with such desire, such longing and attachment, none of it real, the attachment really not there, only self-created ...Another day to get through. Up, down, and all around.
poster:Susan47
thread:477727
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050321/msgs/478866.html