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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 31. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 13:40:59
Hurtful. The therapist helped to uncover something I never thought I would realize about myself right now. and it is I think causing me to want to bail on therapy. It makes me very uncomfortable. He is accurate I believe but it isn't a comfortable place to be. I mean besides the trauma to deal with there another thing to deal with that I think is root to why I don't want to do therapy. It would be hard to share it here as well. To admit it in public. I just now admitted it to myself. I have been reading on the site for days, not posting really, just frozen, dreading therapy. I was not myself the first session. I cried and told him I thought therapy was too lonely. He was puzzled by that. I told him why. How coming even two times a week, and how isolated the whole process is, therapy I mean. That to take all the stuff I have been subjected to out, examine it and try to figure out what to do with it what's the point. And then to think that with even two hours a week I can maintain a connection with him enough to help replace the damaged ones from my parents I just can fathom how that would happen and I don't where to start or how I can begin to try. I just don't know how to go any further. In therapy. When I look deeper inside my core being I feel a deep hurt sadness and I am not sure I want to bring it up to the light. I know know who put it there. The parties are for the most part dead and those that are living I am not going to speak to them about it. I know I have walled myself off from people due to it. I am trying to not do that. I know I have fragmented parts to myself due to it. I am trying to blend them. But to go further I am not sure if that would be good or more damaging. I feel the unbearable hurt just below the surface and I am not sure if it warrants coming to light. So I have looked for things in my T to irritate me and found them. But then some things I have told him about my vacation, how I did not miss him, how all my inners let me alone as I was alone for my vacation, all gave him insight into what I have been during for the last several years. And I think he was dead on. And I am not sure i like this new information either. It is not too pretty. so what the heck do I do now. Sit and fight crying like I am doing now. Continue going to therapy and try to get off the fence I am straddling now. I just don't know what to do. So I am looking for input but please be gentle, I am on the edge at this point and ready to flip my lid.
rsk
Posted by ClearSkies on April 17, 2008, at 14:26:50
In reply to Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is....., posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 13:40:59
So your T has gotten very close to a tender place and it hurts. I think I would be fighting it too! If you can, be gentle with yourself right now and maybe try not to make a decision even about therapy. If it is tough then keep telling him that it is tough (sometimes as good as our Ts are they don't always see the hurt we are feeling). Maybe it's not a time to push ahead but a time to rest with this thing and consider where you are with it, and why it hurts so much. Also why it feels like you have been here before - my T talks about how we revisit our traumas and that is how we finally begin to heal from them, by desensitizing from them by experiencing them again and again - and, try as we might to shield ourselves from feeling this in our lives, it just keeps throwing that stuff at us.
I wouldn't say we have to embrace these difficult feelings - but they are there for a reason, because we are meant to revisit them. So this is happening for a reason, RSK. It's very important that you be gentle with yourself right now.
((((RSK))))
Posted by Dinah on April 17, 2008, at 17:00:24
In reply to Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is....., posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 13:40:59
It sounds like it's something important. Is it something that has the potential to help you now that you realize it?
I hate to hear hurtful truths. I always say I prefer my truths not only polished, but beveled as well.
I think Clearskies is right.
Posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 18:18:22
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is...., posted by Dinah on April 17, 2008, at 17:00:24
Well, I spoke to a friend about this and she helped me as well to put it perspective. She has been in therapy for 18 years and just now has gotten to what she calls check ins from time to time for maintenance and she is a doctor. (I always thought she had it together too) Anyway, she said you need, meaning but others too that have had a traumatic childhood, to grieve your childhood. She said go ahead and do that. You are just now awakening to what your life could be, you have hidden yourself in your children and family life and not really tried to do anything else. And that was a protective device. Now, you are beginning to awaken to other possiblities and it is probably frightening as well. This is very true. I am afraid. I was afraid of what my therapist said. It felt right but ugly too.
I can now say that he said I think part of the issues is right now being a mom and a wife is too much to handle. And as hard as that sounded to me, he was right. I am tired sometimes of all the demands these roles places on me. I am tired of that and I am tired of thinking about having to parent myself and I mourn the loss of the time I should have had as a functioning person instead of hiding from people and life. I spent so many years pushing people and life away. I feel like I have wasted my life and there is no turning back the clock or time and what is the point now.
It hurts to think about it. To think of the little girl wanted just wanting my mom to love me not to hurt me like she did in so many bads ways. IN such ways I had to invent memories so I could survive it. That is why I don't want to go further to see the real memories. I asked him today if I don't go further to get the real ones what is the harm. And he answered me. So now I have to decided where do I go from here?
I know deep down there is some really bad stuff. How much looking do I want to do? I am just not sure. For now, somewhere those memories are hidden from me and the littleone that has them is guarding them. Maybe that is best. I just don't know. I feel her hurt though when I look. And it is big, really big. And I just don't understand how someone, a parent, like I am one, could have done that. But for now most of the people involved are dead. So why go there?
rsk
Clear Skies and Dinah you are both right and I thank you for your responses. I will write more after I re-read them. I needed to get this out first. I hope you understand.:)
Posted by I need a hug on April 17, 2008, at 19:51:20
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on the ClearSkies+ » Dinah, posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 18:18:22
RSK,
PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself. Being a wife and a mom is probably the most demanding job there is. And what woman couldn't use a break from that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. Having to deal with what you're going through and two teenagers, who wouldn't be overwhelmed. You deserve a break from time to time. Take a little vacation. Go to the spa. Get a massage. Do something just for you. Pamper yourself a little bit. You certainly deserve it!!! AND PLEASE.....your life has not been wasted. I'm sure many people would agree with me on that point. You have done so much for others and so many people here care about you. FWIW, I agree with what your friend told you. You need to feel and mourn for what happened to you as a child. As an adult, I know what potential you have for the future. Be kind to yourself. Hang in there.(((((RSK))))) HUGS
Posted by Kath on April 17, 2008, at 20:58:56
In reply to Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is....., posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 13:40:59
So sorry. I don't know what to say, but I am sending you my love, Kath
Posted by Kath on April 17, 2008, at 21:12:47
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on the ClearSkies+ » Dinah, posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 18:18:22
I think you sound very brave.
I think 'be gentle with yourself' is very good advice.
I have found that I have been able to heal from very traumatic stuff withOUT having to go through it; feel it, etc, etc.
The site that give the method is:
www.tatlife.com
Another method that has helped me cope with day-to-day coping is: www.tapping.com
These are both, I guess what I would call 'alternative'. They are quite different from anything I'd encountered before I encountered them.
They've been my lifesavers over the past 2 years, and have helped me heal various things withOUT being re-traumatized by them.
I am holding you lovingly in my thoughts & sending you my love, Kath
Posted by Kath on April 17, 2008, at 21:19:39
In reply to Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is....., posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 13:40:59
http://www.healingeasy.com/EFT_Video.html
I just got this one right now in a newsletter.It makes it really EASY to follow along & do the release method.
You know - it's worth a try. That way you can actually do it, and SEE if it helps at all.
Best of luck! Kath
Posted by star008 on April 17, 2008, at 23:31:37
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on the ClearSkies+ » Dinah, posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 18:18:22
rsk..
being a wife and a mother is huge and takes so much time that it is hard to seperate and do my own work sometimes..
I think that when we are ready that things come to us.. Not necessarily things we want to know.. The inner kids let stuff out when they feel safe. I have never been good at leaving stuff alone and just going on with life. To me, it is something I have to do to heal.. It is hard and it's not fair but that is the way it is for me..I feel as though I have wasted most of my life.. I know how that feels.. and I do not want to parent myself at all.. but i have to since no one else is going to.. I am not so good at it..I tend to ignore things rather than to have to parent myself..Something about I just don't like.. maybe i am angry that I have to at all?? Or maybe it is hard to parent the little girl who no one wanted or even liked??
you will get through this rsk. try not to be hard on yourself.. We have already had enough of that in the past, huh??
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on April 18, 2008, at 2:13:39
In reply to Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is....., posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 13:40:59
When I have felt like this in t, I just go with whatever I feel I can handle. I don't push more than I can go. I have to operate in the present day and I can't handle getting so overwhelmed like I did when I first started therapy. I would run through red lights and stop signs. I was so disconnected. It was a wonder that I got home safely from t.
You just pace yourself.
From what you wrote, you have done a tremendous amount of self discovery.
Hold your inner littles with warm blanket hugs. :)
Posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 5:34:31
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on the ClearSkies+ » Dinah, posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 18:18:22
rsk,
There is a reason why "mother's little helper" was the nickname for Valium for many many years. Being a wife and mother is really hard (i am neither, but I can only imagine) under the best of circumstances. Add a layer of personal conflict, abuse and trauma and it's no wonder you are beginning to feel overwhelmed. It may seem like an ugly truth to you, but wouldn't anyone be tired in your position? I mean tired to the bone? I know I would.
In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you feel right now. Given your circumstances I think it is entirely appropriate.
Personally, I think you need to give yourself a whole lot of credit that you are keeping it together.
I think your friend is right, I think you need to grieve your childhood. It seems to be a necessary step in getting our lives back.
I'm not sure that it is a good idea right to start looking for the hurts that may lurk in "middle earth". If they need to come out, they will (if my latest experience is any indication of how the subconscious works). You know they are there, perhaps you just need to sit with that for a while?
What I think you really need is some support - for you and your family. You need some time to grieve, you need some space to re-evaluate who you are and want you want and to recover your strength and re-join your life.
Do you have reliable child care available to you? Can your therapist help faciliate getting you this support?
I don't think you need to go through this alone. I do think there are resources out there that can help you.
Peace to you
seldom
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 10:43:31
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is..., posted by I need a hug on April 17, 2008, at 19:51:20
Thanks Hugs, you on right I am hard on myself and expect a lot because a lot was always expected of me and old habits die hard. I will try to be kind to myself and just let it all sink in. Thanks for your support it means a great deal to me. As always your words hit the nail on the head. I will try to mourn and get to a better place.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 10:45:05
In reply to Here's another link » rskontos, posted by Kath on April 17, 2008, at 21:19:39
Kath all your replies meant a lot to me. I will try to utilize the tapping and see how it works. And your love is the best! Thanks again,
Babblers are always so encouraging I am not sure why I took so long to post this thread.
Thanks for coming to my rescue!
rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 10:48:59
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on the ClearSkies+ » rskontos, posted by star008 on April 17, 2008, at 23:31:37
Star, You are so right. Being a mom and wife I just used as a crutch to hide behind too. I never looked at myself either. I never thought about a future and just took the first thing that came along and did it and tried to do it well but nevertheless I did not try to be a well rounded person and fooled myself along the way.
I always to my defense did not realize I was hiding. I was just trying to survive. My inners were still protecting me and doing a good job. I did not even know the stuff they were hiding. But now I need to move past it. However that works.
Yeah ignoring things is so much easier but maybe not so much in the long road huh?
Thanks so much for your kind words. And encouragement. You are right. We have have enough of hardness in the past time for peace and some kind of loving ourself. However that looks to each of us. thanks sweetie.
YOu guys each of you have made it a little easier.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 10:59:36
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is...., posted by Shadowplayers721 on April 18, 2008, at 2:13:39
Shaowplayers,
Yep, we must try and stay present in the day and that is hard for me. I get so disconnected so easily but I am working on staying and not hiding from people either. Another hard thing for me. I understand the running lights thing sometimes I have wondered about my driving as well :) But no accidents thank god.
Yes I have had a lot of self-discovery and I need to sit back and take it all in. I don't always recognize just how far I have come in a short time. Thanks for the reminder.
Pacing myself is another good reminder something else I am not good at either.
And the littles ones cried good tears at the warm blanket hugs.
Again so many warm heartfelt support from so many, I thank you for this.
Taking the time to answer my need. Wow
thanks
rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 11:09:35
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on the ClearSkies+ » rskontos, posted by seldomseen on April 18, 2008, at 5:34:31
There is a reason why "mother's little helper" was the nickname for Valium for many many years. Being a wife and mother is really hard (i am neither, but I can only imagine) under the best of circumstances. Add a layer of personal conflict, abuse and trauma and it's no wonder you are beginning to feel overwhelmed. It may seem like an ugly truth to you, but wouldn't anyone be tired in your position? I mean tired to the bone? I know I would.
**Seldom, I never knew where that phrase came from. Good to know and very interesting. Overwhelmed is a great term to describe my feelings and yet I am still hanging in there doing my best to continue what is expected of me. I am tired to the bone. And whether or not you have done either role, you describe it very well so you have a great imagination and great empathy. I thank you for the support. It means a great deal to me.
In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you feel right now. Given your circumstances I think it is entirely appropriate.
***This means so much to me because somehow I felt my feelings were wrong and bad. So thanks to you and everyone for the validation. It is hard to not feel that your feelings are wrong somehow. Being a mom and wife are important and I cherish both but sometimes it is overwhelming.
Personally, I think you need to give yourself a whole lot of credit that you are keeping it together.
***I guess I need to do that too so I don't beat up on myself and make myself feel worse. It is something I do well. Why do we do that too ourselves. I guess it is because I heard it so much when I was so very young.
I think your friend is right, I think you need to grieve your childhood. It seems to be a necessary step in getting our lives back.
***Hard though isn't it. I know from your thread you are going through the same thing. The acceptance of what happened as a child. I could not answer your thread yet but I will. I think it is a tough thing to lament and grieve and want somehow to understand all at the same time.
I'm not sure that it is a good idea right to start looking for the hurts that may lurk in "middle earth". If they need to come out, they will (if my latest experience is any indication of how the subconscious works). You know they are there, perhaps you just need to sit with that for a while?
***yes, I am unsure what the next step is so I will await it. I am sure it will resolve itself on it own. And my T has an uncanny way of getting to the heart of it even if it makes me uncomfortable. I don't do sitting and waiting well though. I must learn patience.
thanks for peaceful sentiments. I wish them for you as well. You deserve it too for answering me in this time which I know is hard for you too. It amazings me how hardy us Babblers are to answer each other and to care so much. Thanks
to you Seldom and peace as well.rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 12:23:52
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on the ClearSkies+ » seldomseen, posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 11:09:35
didn't post this sooner. You guys helped me so much work through this and see how I am not a freak for feeling the way I feel. You validated my feelings and helped see that I need to pace myself along with letting myself feel how I feel. I thank each and every one of you who answered for this. It is so important to feel a connection and I did so here. Wow is all I can say. Warm wishes to take care of myself, to be kind, hugs and love. What more can a person wish for. Again thanks for coming to my rescue when I really needed it.
((((((hugs to all here at Babble))))))
I especially appreciate it because I know for so many of you
you are going through your own pain and that makes it all the more special.:)rsk
Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 18, 2008, at 12:35:45
In reply to Re: Thanks to all Babblers-don't know why I.., posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 12:23:52
Hi, sweetie: Remember this: Feelings are NOT right or wrong, they just ARE....
They need to be validated, but even if they are not......they are still real.
Hugs n Love, Sassy
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 12:37:11
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is.... » rskontos, posted by ClearSkies on April 17, 2008, at 14:26:50
Clearskies,
Thanks so much for your understanding and kindness. I do need to be gentle on myself. Yes he did get to a tender place and one I did not think was a good one. I have realized through my friend and all you good friends at Babble it is ok to feel like I do. And I do need to just sit with these feelings for a while and let them sink in.
Thanks for your response. It meant so much to me in my distress.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 12:40:48
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is...., posted by Dinah on April 17, 2008, at 17:00:24
Is it something that has the potential to help you now that you realize it?
**Oh Dinah, most definitely this is something helpful. He made me realize that I am triggered by my family because somehow I am tired of being the mom and wife because of how much my mother and father put on me as the role I played in the family along with the abuse. All the trauma has caught up with and i am bone tired. And to add that I must parent myself. I have had enough I guess. but at least I have discovered this. And now must sit with this information for a while. However it hurts.
I hate to hear hurtful truths. I always say I prefer my truths not only polished, but beveled as well.
**AMEN. Polished Beveled and maybe deliverable to someone else.
Thanks for the reply.
Rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 12:41:52
In reply to Re: Thanks to all Babblers-don't know why I.., posted by sassyfrancesca on April 18, 2008, at 12:35:45
Yes you are so right. Feelings are feelings. This is a hard fact sometimes to admit. Thanks for the hugs and love
Rsk
Posted by Kath on April 18, 2008, at 21:47:41
In reply to Re: Thanks to all Babblers-don't know why I.. » sassyfrancesca, posted by rskontos on April 18, 2008, at 12:41:52
Hi Hunnee,
I can't remember if I mentioned this.
If, at any point in your healing this might help - it's something that has helped me.
I am right-handed. With my left hand, I use bright coloured felt markers & 'let' my inner child draw.
I've done lots of 'non-dominant-hand' inner child work. But letting my inner kid 'drawr' is a quick & easy way to nurture that part of myself. If I wake up & am feeling badly, I'll quite often let her drawr. I have a special book for it (just a school notebook type book).
If you ever want to hear more about it, feel free to ask me.
love & hugs, Kath
Posted by Phillipa on April 18, 2008, at 23:08:08
In reply to Another thought » rskontos, posted by Kath on April 18, 2008, at 21:47:41
RSK in a a way we're kind of doing the same thing I'm grieving childhood and getting old. So many years. We work raise kids and don't have time for us. How was the vacation. Thought of you as saw there was last weekend rain. Love Phillipa
Posted by rskontos on April 19, 2008, at 13:19:43
In reply to Another thought » rskontos, posted by Kath on April 18, 2008, at 21:47:41
Kath, that is a good thought I will try it. I have been drawing and coloring but with my writing hand, I am left handed so I will try my right hand.
I will also try the coloring books too.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on April 19, 2008, at 13:27:43
In reply to Re: Another thought, posted by Phillipa on April 18, 2008, at 23:08:08
Phillipa it is interesting you ask about my vacation because the way I was on my vacation is what prompted my T to think of my issues as being partly due to my family. I am triggered by them. Because I was alone alot on my vacation. my H couldn't go at the last minute due to work and I took my son and his friend to Panama City Beach. He and his friend did the teenager thing and I did not really get along too well with his friends parents. They all had come down with friends and I guess I was one too many. Some people can't take the time to make one more friend. So I stay alone days at a time. Somedays my son and his friend stayed over a another friends place so I was really alone. And it is not like me to reach out to strangers so I spent alot of time thinking. My inners went on vacation too. I did not hear them, no flashbacks, nothing. NO dreams it was very quiet time for me. I thought alot I read, watched tv and wrote alot. A nice time. I eventually craved some human contact but it was ok. Once again I sensed something going on with the people I went to dinner once. They are not people I want to know at home. Vibes. People like me, used to knowing unspoken languages just felt uneasy with them so I left after dinner. And then the first night home, bamm everyone came back, all the voices, flashbacks etc. So that is how my T came to think I am overwhelmed with motherhood and wifedom. Because of the pressures my family expected too. I did all the stuff for my mother too. Stuff she should have done. For too long. And add to that taking care of my own family and suppression of all the early trauma it just has come up to a breaking point I think. I have been warning my family but they don't listen to you. And my family doesn't know what I am going through really. They chose to turn a deaf ear to it all.
But all in all the vacation was good. It did get a little lonely. Thanks for asking Phillipa.
The weather was nice. Warm. I am missing it right now:)
rsk
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