Posted by rskontos on April 17, 2008, at 18:18:22
In reply to Re: Trying to bail on therapy cuz the truth is...., posted by Dinah on April 17, 2008, at 17:00:24
Well, I spoke to a friend about this and she helped me as well to put it perspective. She has been in therapy for 18 years and just now has gotten to what she calls check ins from time to time for maintenance and she is a doctor. (I always thought she had it together too) Anyway, she said you need, meaning but others too that have had a traumatic childhood, to grieve your childhood. She said go ahead and do that. You are just now awakening to what your life could be, you have hidden yourself in your children and family life and not really tried to do anything else. And that was a protective device. Now, you are beginning to awaken to other possiblities and it is probably frightening as well. This is very true. I am afraid. I was afraid of what my therapist said. It felt right but ugly too.
I can now say that he said I think part of the issues is right now being a mom and a wife is too much to handle. And as hard as that sounded to me, he was right. I am tired sometimes of all the demands these roles places on me. I am tired of that and I am tired of thinking about having to parent myself and I mourn the loss of the time I should have had as a functioning person instead of hiding from people and life. I spent so many years pushing people and life away. I feel like I have wasted my life and there is no turning back the clock or time and what is the point now.
It hurts to think about it. To think of the little girl wanted just wanting my mom to love me not to hurt me like she did in so many bads ways. IN such ways I had to invent memories so I could survive it. That is why I don't want to go further to see the real memories. I asked him today if I don't go further to get the real ones what is the harm. And he answered me. So now I have to decided where do I go from here?
I know deep down there is some really bad stuff. How much looking do I want to do? I am just not sure. For now, somewhere those memories are hidden from me and the littleone that has them is guarding them. Maybe that is best. I just don't know. I feel her hurt though when I look. And it is big, really big. And I just don't understand how someone, a parent, like I am one, could have done that. But for now most of the people involved are dead. So why go there?
rsk
Clear Skies and Dinah you are both right and I thank you for your responses. I will write more after I re-read them. I needed to get this out first. I hope you understand.:)
poster:rskontos
thread:823812
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/823869.html