![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 12 to 36 of 36. Go back in thread:
Posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 9:15:43
In reply to Cutting*trigger* » terrics, posted by muffled on September 11, 2005, at 23:36:45
if i die i ruin my husbands life if i don't die i ruin mine. i feel so trapped here.
i want to cut because it does normally ease S. ideation in me but this time i'm afraid i'll start and not stop.
i think my meds are pooping out or something. sometimes i swear i bring it all on myself. that i make everything worse than it is, then i feel but a fool.
i am a fool. ignorant and insane.i want to act on my wishes. sometimes i confuse the act with the results, sometimes i want the one and sometimes i want the other...anyone understand?
thank you all So much giving half a d@mn, i'm going to crawl back into my hole for a while. don't see pdoc for another month and half. i hate being a pest so i'll see if i can make it that long.
i see T today, i'll tell him. but i'm SOOOO tired of going to the hospital seems like everyother month! it's GOT TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
b2c.
Posted by terrics on September 12, 2005, at 10:02:50
In reply to Cutting*trigger* » terrics, posted by muffled on September 11, 2005, at 23:36:45
Wow, I am suprised your T. is O.K. with it. Mine is not. Maybe your T. understands something important. terrics
Posted by muffled on September 12, 2005, at 10:06:59
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 9:15:43
> if i die i ruin my husbands life if i don't die i ruin mine. i feel so trapped here.
*Sometimes it seems like there is no way out, The pit is too deep, too dark, the sides are smooth, you are too tired of the fight. But you can get out. I did. I'm not quite sure how I got out but I did. The world can be so beautiful. I'm SOOOOO glad that I didn't do it. The hospital isn't great, but if its what you need for a bit, well its what you need. This will pass. It will pass, there will be peace again.
> i want to cut because it does normally ease S. ideation in me but this time i'm afraid i'll start and not stop.
*Exercise helps me. Physically "running, running, running"(actually I walk and bike)But it sometimes helps me get away from pain awhile.
> i think my meds are pooping out or something. sometimes i swear i bring it all on myself. that i make everything worse than it is, then i feel but a fool.
Beleive me you are no fool. It is real what you feel. But it can be fixed, you are not irreparibly damaged. Just go to keep going one way or another. It CAN be done. You CAN survive this. It will be good again. Even better. Things look even better once your out of the pit cuz you appreciate them more. You have a curable sickness. Its just sometimes seems to take a long time.
> i am a fool. ignorant and insane.
*Would you have said that to me a few years ago? Am I ignorant and insane? :(
>
> i want to act on my wishes. sometimes i confuse the act with the results, sometimes i want the one and sometimes i want the other...anyone understand?*Your tired and confused. Not surprizing. Keep working with your T. If you need your P doc to adjust your meds, then you'll have to call him. Its important. You are important.
> thank you all So much giving half a d@mn, i'm going to crawl back into my hole for a while. don't see pdoc for another month and half. i hate being a pest so i'll see if i can make it that long.*I think the people on this board give far more than half a damn. Many us have been there where you are. I may need you when I get all screwed up again over something. You are here on this earth for a reason. It will hurt so many if you go. Please post now and again so we know how you are.
> i see T today, i'll tell him. but i'm SOOOO tired of going to the hospital seems like everyother month! it's GOT TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> b2c.IT WILL STOP!!!!!!! But not by ending it all, but with perseverance and time and help. Its so hard I know, so very, very, very, very, very, very HARD.But so very, very ,very, very, very, very,very WORTH the fight. HANG ON. Please. I care.Muffled.
>
Posted by fairywings on September 12, 2005, at 11:08:49
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger* » B2chica, posted by muffled on September 12, 2005, at 10:06:59
>
> I'm SOOOOO glad that I didn't do it. The hospital isn't great, but if its what you need for a bit, well its what you need. This will pass. It will pass, there will be peace again.B2, i agree with muffled, it's so hard to see when your in that black hole, but if you can call your p-doc, get him to adjust your meds, go to the hospital if you need to, babble your head off, whatever it takes. What happened with the luvox, trileptal, ativan, mix you were on, did that poop out? It seemed to be working for you for awhile.
>
> *Exercise helps me. Physically "running, running, running"(actually I walk and bike)But it sometimes helps me get away from pain awhile.
this is what i do too, it's hard when you feel like you can't move, or when you're so sore you just want to cry, but it does help ease the physical and emotional pain.
>>You have a curable sickness. Its just sometimes seems to take a long time.
muffled is right, you're ill B2, just like any other illness, it takes longer sometimes, feels crappier, and isn't viewed with as much sensitivity, which makes it more difficult.
>
> > thank you all So much giving half a d@mn, i'm going to crawl back into my hole for a while. don't see pdoc for another month and half. i hate being a pest so i'll see if i can make it that long.again, i agree with muffled, and you're not a pest, you're in pain, and need help. call your p-doc, that's what he's there for, that's what his business is all about. he's there to help you out of your pain and he has the means to do it.
>
>
> > i see T today, i'll tell him. but i'm SOOOO tired of going to the hospital seems like everyother month! it's GOT TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> > b2c.i hope you will tell him B2, i hope you will feel better enough not to go to the hospital, but if you have to, and that will make you feel better, and keep you from hurting yourself, then do it. i don't want you to hurt yourself, and mostly i want you to feel better. like muffled said, hang on, and we'll hang on with you.
fw
Posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 11:23:19
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger* » muffled, posted by fairywings on September 12, 2005, at 11:08:49
thanks for those words muffled and fw. i think i did need to hear others have made it through. i just feel like everyone around me is tired of hearing the same old thing, including my T.
i'm on ritalin, wellbutrin, zyprexa and xanax (ambien and gin and tonic as needed) i think the wellbutrin may need to be upped and i should stop drinking, that doesn't help either.i've acutally got an appt with my school advisor tomorrow that i don't want to miss otherwise i definaltly would consider the hospital. maybe thursday after T appt if i'm not better i'll go....Again...
it's pretty bad when the nurses know your name. i'm afraid if i go too many times they''ll want to send me to the county mental facility. that scares me more than death.please babble help me through this. i'm very calm and checked out the place i plan to do it saturday. i found an isolated place. i'm scared. but feel trapped. part of me as foolish as it sounds feels like i've been talking about it for so long that if i don't try again i won't be taken seriously, like i'm crying wolf or something.
i know you all believe, and understand but so many around me don't. i do love my husband and don't want to ruin his life, but what's worse having a wife that you constantly have to gut wrenchingly worry about killing herself or one that's dead and can't cause anymore worries?
logically i know the answer to that but i'm just not believing that....i know it's wrong but can't ....can't get to that place.i'm tired of gaining weight, tired of being tired, tired of not being able to work to my full capacity, tired of worrying about loosing my job, tired of worrying about finishing school, tired of the incredible ache inside my heart.
i will tell T how i feel. i will promise that. i care about him maybe part of my stress is knowing that he may leave and i would have to transfer to someone else. but i keep reminding myself that he's not dying, he'd just be moving and i envy that. i envy that he can move anywhere in the US he wants.
i'll write tomorrow if i can.
thank you for letting meknow that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel for me too.
b2c.
Posted by fairywings on September 12, 2005, at 11:52:45
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 11:23:19
> thanks for those words muffled and fw. i think i did need to hear others have made it through. i just feel like everyone around me is tired of hearing the same old thing, including my T.
B2 please know that people don't get tired of hearing about it. worried, concerned, scared for you, want to help, but not tired of it. please don't think that. it would be like me saying to my best friend that i get tired of hearing about her trips to the hospital because she has diabetes, or my sister's M.S., or if my family got tired of hearing about my migraines. you're sick, and you need to talk. your T is in the business of helping people who don't feel well emotionally, that's what he's there for.
> i'm on ritalin, wellbutrin, zyprexa and xanax (ambien and gin and tonic as needed) i think the wellbutrin may need to be upped and i should stop drinking, that doesn't help either.
yeah, try stopping the g and t, and see if p-doc will up the wellbutrin, and see how you feel. how high is the ritalin. i know when my adderall was too high - 60/day i got suicidally depressed, when we took it down to 40 i felt good. it can be so touchy, yours might be the same way.
> it's pretty bad when the nurses know your name. i'm afraid if i go too many times they''ll want to send me to the county mental facility. that scares me more than death.
can they make you do that? have you told your T your fear? what does he say? i'd tell him if you havent'.
>
> please babble help me through this. i'm very calm and checked out the place i plan to do it saturday.wait a minute, help you babble through what? what are you saying? please go to your T and then to the hospital if you're saying you're going to going to commit suicide B2. keep talking all you want, we'll listen, there are plenty of us who have felt this way, who have been there before. we understand how bad you feel, but just keep putting it off, don't make that plan! your husband loves you alive, just the way you are. you are sick, but you will get better, i wish you could see that light at the end of the tunnel.
B2, think about when you started feeling so bad, then before that, what medications were you on? when's the last time you felt pretty good? what medications were you on? i just have to wonder if the mix you're on right now is causing some problems. my p-doc was really adamant about not putting me on wellbutrin and adderall. just give it some thought. i know not too long ago you were flying, you were so high, remember the coffee? and you were thinking of ideas for paintings? could it be the meds? shouldn't you talk to your p-doc?
>>i found an isolated place. i'm scared. but feel trapped. part of me as foolish as it sounds feels like i've been talking about it for so long that if i don't try again i won't be taken seriously, like i'm crying wolf or something.
please don't think that following through would make anyone feel better! getting better, getting your life back would make everyone happy. Please work on that B2! Don't feel foolish, don't give in to this please!
> i know you all believe, and understand but so many around me don't.they can't understand, it's unfortunate, but when you've never felt the pain of depression, you just have no concept. my MIL is incredibly intolerant of ppl with depression. my husband's aunt suffers, and my MIL is brutal (which is why i never tell her anything!) anyway, i have wished that she could feel, for any length of time - one week, one month, one year, what we have felt, just so that she could understand.
>>i do love my husband and don't want to ruin his life, but what's worse having a wife that you constantly have to gut wrenchingly worry about killing herself or one that's dead and can't cause anymore worries?Definitely one who's alive, one who can get better, one who's working so hard with her therapist. A wife who loves her husband and will keep fighting such a terrible painful disease because she loves her husband and it's possible to get better, even though some days it doesn't feel like it.
> logically i know the answer to that but i'm just not believing that....i know it's wrong but can't ....can't get to that place.
it's hard when you feel like sh*t.
>
> i'm tired of gaining weight, tired of being tired, tired of not being able to work to my full capacity, tired of worrying about loosing my job, tired of worrying about finishing school, tired of the incredible ache inside my heart.(((hugs))))
>
> i will tell T how i feel. i will promise that. i care about him maybe part of my stress is knowing that he may leave and i would have to transfer to someone else.Take him your posts. Tell him everything B2. tell him your worries and your fears as well as your feelings, and your plans. I'm so worried about you.
>
> i'll write tomorrow if i can.please write B2, keep fighting. and please know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
also, have you posted on the meds boards? i'd be interested to know what scott thinks about your med combo. what are your dosages?
fw
Posted by cubic_me on September 12, 2005, at 12:00:02
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 11:23:19
B2C we haven't talked for ages and this is NOT going to be the last week we talk, ok. Things feel like they will never get any better, but you have felt like this before and got out the other side - you can do it again this time.
What is it that has stopped you from killing yourself in the past? For me it's the thought of my body being dead and rotting and putrifying, but I know you hate the thought of the pain your death will cause in others. Focus on that, and anything else, that will keep you through the weekend. If there is a way of getting rid of the means or transport to the quiet place, then do it. You've probably heard this many times, but suicide is a permenant solution to a temporary problem, and it *is* temporary and the pain won't be there for ever. Forget about work and school for the moment, your life is at stake, just concentrate on getting through.
I'm on babblemail or email me if you want to talk x
Posted by muffled on September 12, 2005, at 12:26:53
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 11:23:19
> thanks for those words muffled and fw. i think i did need to hear others have made it through. i just feel like everyone around me is tired of hearing the same old thing, including my T.
I don't think others get tired of hearing you. I think they just would like to help you feel better.
> i'm on ritalin, wellbutrin, zyprexa and xanax (ambien and gin and tonic as needed) i think the wellbutrin may need to be upped and i should stop drinking, that doesn't help either.
Drinking can screw things up all right.
>
> i've acutally got an appt with my school advisor tomorrow that i don't want to miss otherwise i definaltly would consider the hospital. maybe thursday after T appt if i'm not better i'll go....Again...If thats what you need to do to be safe for now, go for now.
> it's pretty bad when the nurses know your name. i'm afraid if i go too many times they''ll want to send me to the county mental facility. that scares me more than death.
Well, I guess if they know your name, that might make it less scarey of a place to go.
You sound not crazy to me. Just in the pit (temporarily).
>
> please babble help me through this. i'm very calm and checked out the place i plan to do it saturday. i found an isolated place. i'm scared. but feel trapped. part of me as foolish as it sounds feels like i've been talking about it for so long that if i don't try again i won't be taken seriously, like i'm crying wolf or something.I did that too. I was good to go.I was so close. But I figgered it would be too messy when it got right down to it. But still I convinced myself to do it. Then some small voice inside said try one last thing. I phoned the local crisis line, they called the cops for me. I survived, by a hair, and I AM SO GLAD!!!!!!!! God am I glad I didn't do it. I would have irreparibly hurt so many people. Even to the person who found me. I had no kids then. My friends Dad offed himself when she was 8. It screwed her up for life. Killing yourself is SUCH a BIG thing. It isn't just and end to pain. Its HUGE. JUST DON"T DO IT. Beleive I REALLY do know.
Sorry about all the caps but this is so important for you to understand.> i know you all believe, and understand but so many around me don't. i do love my husband and don't want to ruin his life, but what's worse having a wife that you constantly have to gut wrenchingly worry about killing herself or one that's dead and can't cause anymore worries?
Beleive me, he'd rather have you alive. If your dead maybe, just maybe, your pain stops, but it goes on for others.
> logically i know the answer to that but i'm just not believing that....i know it's wrong but can't ....can't get to that place.
I know. But just by what you have written I know that you know too. You do know. Deep inside you know.
>
> i'm tired of gaining weight, tired of being tired, tired of not being able to work to my full capacity, tired of worrying about loosing my job, tired of worrying about finishing school, tired of the incredible ache inside my heart.Its without a doubt a tiring illness. The fight is hard. If you can, try to find ways to give yourself a break now and then. Do something pleasurable, hot bath? nature walk? music? Whatever, as long as its for YOU.
The ache shows your ALIVE, you have life, you are someone, you are special, you have a purpose, and the ache goes away. Again, you'll just have to trust me on this. Don't get me wrong, I still stuggle. But oh, the joy at times, watching my kids, sunsets etc. Its all so worth it. God I am so glad I'm here.
>
> i will tell T how i feel. i will promise that. i care about him maybe part of my stress is knowing that he may leave and i would have to transfer to someone else. but i keep reminding myself that he's not dying, he'd just be moving and i envy that. i envy that he can move anywhere in the US he wants.Yo, envy is all right, you are human. I envy him too! The not knowings got to be hard. Re-establishing with a new T. can be hard. But NOT impossible. Possibly even good! Theres lots of bad, but theres good too. And the good is so extra good once you've seen the pit.
>
> i'll write tomorrow if i can.
> thank you for letting meknow that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel for me too.
> b2c.b2c. Its not there MAY be light at the end of the tunnel, there IS. Where there is life there is hope. You just can't see the light right now, but it is THERE.
My thoughts are with you in this time. Do please keep posting. You can even say all the stuff you want. Even if you think its silly. As I read stuff here it seems to me, so much of the stuff I thought I was so stupid about, its the same for others. Either we are ALL really stupid here, or maybe we are just more knowledgable about stuff that 'the others'. :)
Please take care. Muffled.
I will send cyber hug. Just a quickie, cuz I don't do hugging normally. ((((b2chica))). Don't tell anybody!!!!! :)
Posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 12:40:36
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger* » B2chica, posted by cubic_me on September 12, 2005, at 12:00:02
> B2C we haven't talked for ages and this is NOT going to be the last week we talk, ok.
i'll try to keep this sentence in my mind. i've missed you. hope you are in a good place.
Posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 12:45:18
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger*, posted by muffled on September 12, 2005, at 12:26:53
> > please babble help me through this. i'm very calm and checked out the place i plan to do it saturday. i found an isolated place. i'm scared. but feel trapped. part of me as foolish as it sounds feels like i've been talking about it for so long that if i don't try again i won't be taken seriously, like i'm crying wolf or something.
>
> I did that too. I was good to go.I was so close. But I figgered it would be too messy when it got right down to it. But still I convinced myself to do it. Then some small voice inside said try one last thing. I phoned the local crisis line, they called the cops for me. I survived, by a hair...i'll try to remember to make one last call if i get that close. my luck i'd call a suicide hotline and they'll put me on hold...
sorry you were that close, glad you have that small voice. my small voice is slowly giving in to the other voice.i'll tell T tonight when i see him.
and i thank you for the hugs, i just feel so sick.
b2c.
Posted by muffled on September 12, 2005, at 12:46:16
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger* » muffled, posted by terrics on September 12, 2005, at 10:02:50
> Wow, I am suprised your T. is O.K. with it. Mine is not. Maybe your T. understands something important. terrics
Cutting is not good. I seem to manage to keep mine at the not requiering stitches level. I've not been doing it much. Only when I'm feeling desparate.Its just for me the alternative to cutting is engaging in risky behaviour that could get me hurt or killed. So in view of that, until I have better strategies, cutting is ok. It works, it brings me back down. I don't have to do much. So its ok in a very odd way I suppose.
Posted by fairywings on September 12, 2005, at 16:34:44
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger* » muffled, posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 12:45:18
>
> i'll tell T tonight when i see him.
> and i thank you for the hugs, i just feel so sick.
> b2c.
hang in there B2, i'll be thinking about you tonight and until i hear from you again.
(((hugs)))
fw
Posted by B2chica on September 13, 2005, at 9:04:13
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger*, posted by fairywings on September 12, 2005, at 16:34:44
saw T last night... told him everything..from scoping the site to hiding blades to sneak in if needed. also how i thought everyone was sick of hearing the same old story from me and how different it felt this time...more serious/reality serious.
ithink the only reason he didn't have me go to the hospital is cuz i pleaded and said that i have several meetings this week that i just can't miss, one today and one thursday. but that i can't see past then and with nothing 'scheduled' i'm even more lost.
i see him again thursday at 4:00 and he said unless i have a really good reason not too that i should plan on going into the hospital.
somehow that actually relaxed me. He is concerned that he is not helping me and wants to be ethical and safe about this. honestly i think anyone else would have locked me up a long time ago. i thank God everyday for my T.
he made me promise to take all the blades i was hiding and throw them away. it was so hard but i did. now i feel a little lost. i liked having them there. he also wants me to call my pdoc today to let him know whats going on with me.i'm feeling better this morning, but it usually gets worse throughout the day anyway. so who knows.
thanks for being here.
b2c.
Posted by muffled on September 13, 2005, at 9:58:19
In reply to Re: update *trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 13, 2005, at 9:04:13
> saw T last night... told him everything..from scoping the site to hiding blades to sneak in if needed. also how i thought everyone was sick of hearing the same old story from me and how different it felt this time...more serious/reality serious.
Good for you! for telling him every thing. Your doing so well.
Its weird isn't , the being all ready to do it. Sort of like comforting or something. The feeling of being in reality about it feels good too.
Even when you go to do it , it might feel sort of exiting and 'this is it'ish', its finally all going to stop. Even when your bleeding, it may be ok.
But its not actually reality at that time even if it feels like it. Its the ultimate trick.
This is where you need to listen to that little voice inside thats trying to tell you, 'I don't want to go'. If you get that far, please think of how much your going will hurt others you care about. Please listen to that wee little voice inside thats saying. 'please, I just don't want to die, I want to try a little more'. Please don't go B2, please don't go. :(> ithink the only reason he didn't have me go to the hospital is cuz i pleaded and said that i have several meetings this week that i just can't miss, one today and one thursday. but that i can't see past then and with nothing 'scheduled' i'm even more lost.
Is there any way you could schedual in some pleasant activities? Do you have any friends you could plan ahead some fun with.(I personally don't have friends, just my sister and her friends, but thats ok)
> i see him again thursday at 4:00 and he said unless i have a really good reason not too that i should plan on going into the hospital.
Its good you can go 2x/week.
Sometimes the worry is worse than the reality.
> somehow that actually relaxed me. He is concerned that he is not helping me and wants to be ethical and safe about this. honestly i think anyone else would have locked me up a long time ago. i thank God everyday for my T.Sounds like a good T.
> he made me promise to take all the blades i was hiding and throw them away. it was so hard but i did. now i feel a little lost. i liked having them there. he also wants me to call my pdoc today to let him know whats going on with me.
Sounds like a good idea.
>
> i'm feeling better this morning, but it usually gets worse throughout the day anyway. so who knows.Go with the good. The day may just be ok and not get worse.
>
> thanks for being here.
> b2c.We care.I care. Muffled
Posted by B2chica on September 13, 2005, at 11:01:07
In reply to Re: update *trigger* » B2chica, posted by muffled on September 13, 2005, at 9:58:19
i wasn't scared to tell him (T)cuz i feel so comfortable with him. i thank God for that.
>>Even when you go to do it , it might feel sort of exiting and 'this is it'ish', its finally all going to stop. Even when your bleeding, it may be ok.
-YES good way to put this. the 'this is Finally it'ish feeling. it feels relief, the kind of relief i got from cutting.
i have two friends, one i almost never see anymore (he's been busy cuz he's getting married at end of september) the other used to work here and now she doesn't and i miss her SO much. she''s been busy and can't always meet.
that leaves me and my T.i'm hanging on to the thought of the hurt. of my cold dead body being layed out on a metal slab and having my hubby having to id me. cold hard reality, no fantasy of 'getting' out, no fantasy of being saved at last minute. just dead.
it's weird cuz part of that turns me away instantly the other....almost draws me near. i'm scared.
but...for now i'm taking 5 minutes at a time. it's all i can handle right now. getting to my assigned meetings and trying to run from myself the rest of the time.i just called pdoc and he would rather me go sooner rather than later. he wanted me to go today but he is going to up my wellbutrin, he said for me to pick up some samples at his clinic this afternoon. (not afterwork, he said at noonhour (asap))
he wants me to call him thursday after my morning meeting and before i see T. he wants to keep CLOSE eye on things. and to paige him sooner if i need to.i can't believe how blessed i am with my two docs.
and i can't believe how blessed i am with babbler's like you.
thank you.
b2c.
Posted by daisym on September 13, 2005, at 11:44:07
In reply to Re: update *trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 13, 2005, at 11:01:07
It has been hard for me to know what to say in this thread because I understand it so well. But I think you are being very brave sharing your feelings with both your pdoc and your therapist. I think that is the little voice that isn't ready to give up yet.
I think I understand the calm though. There is that other little voice that just wants to stop trying. It is so exhausting and I don't know about you, but sometimes I forget what I'm fighting against or why. I just want to lay down.
My therapist reminds me that I won't always feel like this. That feelings aren't stagnant and you just don't know where you will be in a year or two or five. So choosing a permanant solution to temporary feelings isn't wise. Tempting...but not wise.
Hang in there. I'm thinking about you.
Posted by B2chica on September 13, 2005, at 11:46:28
In reply to Re: update *trigger* » B2chica, posted by daisym on September 13, 2005, at 11:44:07
Posted by fairywings on September 13, 2005, at 12:50:57
In reply to Re: update *trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 13, 2005, at 9:04:13
Oh gosh, B2, I feel so bad, I meant to get back to you yesterday. I'm so glad you were able to tell T everything, and then get rid of the blades!
I posted on meds cause I've had a feeling for a long time that your meds are messing you up, because of the black hole of suicidal depression I had with the Adderall when it was too high, and then the weird suicidal thoughts I had with the Strattera.
Anyway, Scott said,
"Both Ritalin and Wellbutrin can cause anxiety, which can act to propel a depressed person into a suicidal state. Wellbutrin made me feel more depressed, even though it did not produce anxiety. It intensified my dysphoria. It is difficult to guess with 100% certainty what exactly is going on here. What is she being treated for, and why were these drugs chosen for her in the first place? I am particularly interested in the Ritalin and Zyprexa."And zeugma talked about a drug induced dysphoria from these medications.
I wanted to get back to you asap, but once the kids got home yesterday I forgot, I"m sorry. I hope I didn't offend you by asking on the meds board, but I knew scott was a wealth of knowledge and he would know if anyone if this combo could induce suicidal depression.
I hope this helps. Stay safe and stay well.
fw
Posted by fairywings on September 13, 2005, at 12:57:30
In reply to Re: update *trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 13, 2005, at 11:01:07
today but he is going to up my wellbutrin, he said for me to pick up some samples at his clinic this afternoon. (not afterwork, he said at noonhour (asap))
if the depression doesn't get any better, or gets worse when you up the wellbutrin, please consider that it's the meds causing the depression. My p-doc was suprised when this happened to me. You just never know.
fw
Posted by muffled on September 13, 2005, at 18:53:52
In reply to Re: update *trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 13, 2005, at 11:01:07
> i wasn't scared to tell him (T)cuz i feel so comfortable with him. i thank God for that.
Way cool.
>
> >>Even when you go to do it , it might feel sort of exiting and 'this is it'ish', its finally all going to stop. Even when your bleeding, it may be ok.
>
> -YES good way to put this. the 'this is Finally it'ish feeling. it feels relief, the kind of relief i got from cutting.Yeah, its the THOUGHT thats good. Unfortunately the reality is not. Don't be fooled.
>
> i have two friends, one i almost never see anymore (he's been busy cuz he's getting married at end of september) the other used to work here and now she doesn't and i miss her SO much. she''s been busy and can't always meet.
> that leaves me and my T.My T. and me went thru the good things I accomplished since awhile ago. Might not seem like much to some , but when we looked at it, I HAD improved. I'm coping better. Less cutting. Less nasty cutting. Stuff like that. I have setbacks, everybody does, but I still don't lose what I have gained, so I'm still ahead of where I was. Have you been able to discover any improvements? Mebbe T. could help you with this.
One day you can be like me, relatively happy, quite a bit of the time. I look forward to being able to help others some day. I can see light. I'm no longer in the pit. Its so nice to not be in the pit! I was SO close to not being here now. I would not be talking to you right now. I'd just be some mouldy bones in the ground.
>
> i'm hanging on to the thought of the hurt. of my cold dead body being layed out on a metal slab and having my hubby having to id me. cold hard reality, no fantasy of 'getting' out, no fantasy of being saved at last minute. just dead.Ahhhh.RELEIF! Just dead. Cold dead body. Sounds marvellous! I can see the appeal there. Of course its appealing. Dead body, no pain. Hey, get me on that slab! BUT, this is a BIG BUT, THATS ALL. YOU have (maybe, dunno what happens when you dead), no more earthly pain. What about your Hubby, what about your T, your P. doc, the nurses, us here on babble? What about us? What about the person you talk to one day and help. What about that? What if theres a kid out there that your meant to save somehow, but you don't cuz you're not here? What about the happy times you will miss. There WILL be good times. I thought I would never escape, I did. You are hurting and tired and not seeing clearly, you HAVE to trust that I am telling you the truth. I may be the ultimate sh*thead, but I'm telling you the truth. The struggle and pain are not forever. This pain IS TEMPORARY. Death is not.
> it's weird cuz part of that turns me away instantly the other....almost draws me near. i'm scared.
Good, I'm glad your scared. That is your emotions waving a big red flag at you. STOP! You're not thinking right.
> but...for now i'm taking 5 minutes at a time. it's all i can handle right now. getting to my assigned meetings and trying to run from myself the rest of the time.
Run from myself. I like that. I do that alot too still, but alot less than I used to. 5 mins at a time is good. 1 min. at a time works too. just use those minutes to try and think good thoughts as much as possible. Or even just meditate on an object.(someone on babble told me about that).
> i just called pdoc and he would rather me go sooner rather than later. he wanted me to go today but he is going to up my wellbutrin, he said for me to pick up some samples at his clinic this afternoon. (not afterwork, he said at noonhour (asap))
> he wants me to call him thursday after my morning meeting and before i see T. he wants to keep CLOSE eye on things. and to paige him sooner if i need to.
>
> i can't believe how blessed i am with my two docs.
> and i can't believe how blessed i am with babbler's like you.
> thank you.
> b2c.
>Sounds like you got really amazing docs all right. Why do you suppose they are making such an effort for you? It truly sounds like they are really going to bat for you. Why is that do you suppose?
You're so sweet b2. You just got to tough it out until it gets better. Your docs are going to help you get there. Babblers will too. It just amazes me how much knowledge there is on this site. i guess alot of us have been similiar places so we truly DO understand where others might not. Keep posting and listening and learning and beleiving. I need you too b2. Stay with me. I occasionally freak out, TEMPORARILY, I need you to talk to me then. Cuz I know that you KNOW.
Oh God b2, if you ever get to the point where your doing it, will you think of me? Stop and think of Muffled? and stay? Write to me. Tell me everything? Please?(my eyes have water in them )
Muffled
Posted by B2chica on September 14, 2005, at 9:31:43
In reply to Re: update *trigger* » B2chica, posted by muffled on September 13, 2005, at 18:53:52
>>Oh God b2, if you ever get to the point where your doing it, will you think of me? Stop and think of Muffled? and stay? Write to me. Tell me everything? Please?(my eyes have water in them )
Muffledmine too. you made me cry. i do, when i get to the brink i do think of babblers. it's suprisingly helped me in the past. sometimes just knowing you're out there...gives me some peace.
Posted by B2chica on September 14, 2005, at 9:33:32
In reply to Re: update *trigger* » B2chica, posted by fairywings on September 13, 2005, at 12:50:57
of course i don't mind. i might head over to the meds board and check it out. i have noticed my anxiety has been quite bad lately. usually the zyprexa helps witht that but not lately, i get anxiety about suicidal thoughts which makes my anxitey worse which makes my thoughts stronger, which...you see the pattern here.
thanks
b2c.
Posted by fairywings on September 14, 2005, at 10:08:20
In reply to Re: update *trigger* » fairywings, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2005, at 9:33:32
> of course i don't mind. i might head over to the meds board and check it out. i have noticed my anxiety has been quite bad lately. usually the zyprexa helps witht that but not lately, i get anxiety about suicidal thoughts which makes my anxitey worse which makes my thoughts stronger, which...you see the pattern here.
> thanks
> b2c.Hi B2,
I'm glad you weren't offended. I always ask SLS (scott) he's really knowledgeable, and there's a couple of other people who really understand the meds and how they work on the brain - the receptors and stuff that's beyond me. there's a med. student over there too, who's studying neurobiology right now, and he posts here and there. Scott was interested in the zyprexa, don't know why though. I'm not familiar with it. I hope you will go over there and see what you can find out. Post to SLS and pick his brain for information, he's really smart. Be sure to tell him "usually the zyprexa helps witht that but not lately, i get anxiety about suicidal thoughts which makes my anxitey worse which makes my thoughts stronger, which...you see the pattern here." It'll give him a better idea of what's going on.
(((hugs)))
fw
Posted by antigua on September 14, 2005, at 13:04:56
In reply to Re: update *trigger* » B2chica, posted by fairywings on September 14, 2005, at 10:08:20
Posted by terrics on September 15, 2005, at 12:37:25
In reply to Re: Cutting*trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 12, 2005, at 9:15:43
B2, I think that I do understand. Sometimes I want to S. and other times cut. These wants do not coincide however. When I want to S. I cut as an alternative. It keeps me away from S. even though at that point S. is what I am thinking. P.S. I don't think I really want to die because I would be dead already. I OD'd once then called T. who called ambulance. If I really wanted to die I would not have called T. I think that I am doing alot better these days. I hope you will experience feeling better. terrics
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