Posted by muffled on September 13, 2005, at 18:53:52
In reply to Re: update *trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 13, 2005, at 11:01:07
> i wasn't scared to tell him (T)cuz i feel so comfortable with him. i thank God for that.
Way cool.
>
> >>Even when you go to do it , it might feel sort of exiting and 'this is it'ish', its finally all going to stop. Even when your bleeding, it may be ok.
>
> -YES good way to put this. the 'this is Finally it'ish feeling. it feels relief, the kind of relief i got from cutting.Yeah, its the THOUGHT thats good. Unfortunately the reality is not. Don't be fooled.
>
> i have two friends, one i almost never see anymore (he's been busy cuz he's getting married at end of september) the other used to work here and now she doesn't and i miss her SO much. she''s been busy and can't always meet.
> that leaves me and my T.My T. and me went thru the good things I accomplished since awhile ago. Might not seem like much to some , but when we looked at it, I HAD improved. I'm coping better. Less cutting. Less nasty cutting. Stuff like that. I have setbacks, everybody does, but I still don't lose what I have gained, so I'm still ahead of where I was. Have you been able to discover any improvements? Mebbe T. could help you with this.
One day you can be like me, relatively happy, quite a bit of the time. I look forward to being able to help others some day. I can see light. I'm no longer in the pit. Its so nice to not be in the pit! I was SO close to not being here now. I would not be talking to you right now. I'd just be some mouldy bones in the ground.
>
> i'm hanging on to the thought of the hurt. of my cold dead body being layed out on a metal slab and having my hubby having to id me. cold hard reality, no fantasy of 'getting' out, no fantasy of being saved at last minute. just dead.Ahhhh.RELEIF! Just dead. Cold dead body. Sounds marvellous! I can see the appeal there. Of course its appealing. Dead body, no pain. Hey, get me on that slab! BUT, this is a BIG BUT, THATS ALL. YOU have (maybe, dunno what happens when you dead), no more earthly pain. What about your Hubby, what about your T, your P. doc, the nurses, us here on babble? What about us? What about the person you talk to one day and help. What about that? What if theres a kid out there that your meant to save somehow, but you don't cuz you're not here? What about the happy times you will miss. There WILL be good times. I thought I would never escape, I did. You are hurting and tired and not seeing clearly, you HAVE to trust that I am telling you the truth. I may be the ultimate sh*thead, but I'm telling you the truth. The struggle and pain are not forever. This pain IS TEMPORARY. Death is not.
> it's weird cuz part of that turns me away instantly the other....almost draws me near. i'm scared.
Good, I'm glad your scared. That is your emotions waving a big red flag at you. STOP! You're not thinking right.
> but...for now i'm taking 5 minutes at a time. it's all i can handle right now. getting to my assigned meetings and trying to run from myself the rest of the time.
Run from myself. I like that. I do that alot too still, but alot less than I used to. 5 mins at a time is good. 1 min. at a time works too. just use those minutes to try and think good thoughts as much as possible. Or even just meditate on an object.(someone on babble told me about that).
> i just called pdoc and he would rather me go sooner rather than later. he wanted me to go today but he is going to up my wellbutrin, he said for me to pick up some samples at his clinic this afternoon. (not afterwork, he said at noonhour (asap))
> he wants me to call him thursday after my morning meeting and before i see T. he wants to keep CLOSE eye on things. and to paige him sooner if i need to.
>
> i can't believe how blessed i am with my two docs.
> and i can't believe how blessed i am with babbler's like you.
> thank you.
> b2c.
>Sounds like you got really amazing docs all right. Why do you suppose they are making such an effort for you? It truly sounds like they are really going to bat for you. Why is that do you suppose?
You're so sweet b2. You just got to tough it out until it gets better. Your docs are going to help you get there. Babblers will too. It just amazes me how much knowledge there is on this site. i guess alot of us have been similiar places so we truly DO understand where others might not. Keep posting and listening and learning and beleiving. I need you too b2. Stay with me. I occasionally freak out, TEMPORARILY, I need you to talk to me then. Cuz I know that you KNOW.
Oh God b2, if you ever get to the point where your doing it, will you think of me? Stop and think of Muffled? and stay? Write to me. Tell me everything? Please?(my eyes have water in them )
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:553299
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050912/msgs/554774.html