![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 13:56:20
Hi..
I'm sorry for writing this..
but I just don't know what to do or how to feel things will be okay...
I had shared about the relationship I have developed with my therapist. I trust her deeply and I trust in the strength of the bond we share. And in everything we've been through. I feel I owe her my life in a way..She really changed my life and gave me hope for the first time and taught me so much...she taught me to trust ...I was sexually abused as a child and she was the first one I told this to , and the first person I let so close to my heart. I do feel her in my heart..and I do believe in everything she's given me..in how she has reached out to me and always been there for me.
So maybe this is just a misunderstanding and something that will be worked out..
I may be writing this out of the despair and deep fear I'm feeling...
i have difficulty sharing...out loud...talking...
I do write her ..lately we had been reading letters together in our session as a way to help me share..
she told me I can't keep running away from what I feel and from myself. I was beginning to make baby steps to trust and share more at least bringing letters to her or showing her more about what I feel.
Our last session was hard..I experienced a flashback in front of her, but didn't tell her. I just burst out into tears and couldn't stop and she had no clue about what was happening to me or why I was crying and I wanted her to ask me but I could't get myself to say the words...I couldn't say...I was feeling as if someone were hurting me right there and as if she could see that and turned away..I know that's not real and it's not that she's leaving me at the mercy of someone doing that to me...but that's what my heart felt..
I left in a very bad shape...but not exactly because of her..and at the same time I felt relieved cause I was able to cry instead of keeping things inside and cause I was with her and not alone as I usually am when that happens to me.
Well she asked me to write a letter to her, sharing what I had been unable to share..I did. I wrote a letter pouring my heart out, bringing things to the surface I've always kept hidden, sharing with her and holding on to the hope of knowing I would share with her ...and stop hiding... That gave me hope.
But today I received an email...saying she's ill and cannot see me and I understand that..but then she goes on to say that our sessions have been too tough and difficult and hard lately for me..and that she thinks it's better for us just to write each other for the time being.
THis came as a huge surprise cause I wasn't expecting it at all and it hurt me terribly and it took away my sense of safety and I'm here not knowing what to do.
It takes away all my resources for feeling safe because everything is built around my being able to feel her close to my heart...
All my hopes are built around her :o(
Knowing me as she does, and knowing what happened to me and what I'm struggling with now, I can't think of how she could ever ever think that this is the best for me...that running away and hiding in emails and leaving me alone is the best for me.
Even if sessions are hard...is the alternative to just leave me to deal with all those hard things but by myself?? I Just don't understand...I had actually been feeling I was making progress...in baby tiny steps (at least I had been able to cry and express emotions with her)...but the fact that she doesn't think I am making progress just makes me feel everything falls apart.
it's hard to explain it here...
It hurts me more than I could express that she's deciding something without talking to me, without even asking me what happened to me our last session, without even asking how I'm feeling. She has no clue right now...and I can't understand how she can choose not to talk about what happened (even if sessions are hard right now)...
I don't understand, i'm really confused and I feel terribly scared...
She knows how much I fear abandonedment, how much I need her in my heart, how much I am really struggling.
[maybe I am not being clear about how much I do need her to be able to find some sense of safety..or to feel hopeful..or not to give in to self-injury...I'm not that strong right now and I was just beginning to deal with things...What gave me hope and strength is knowing I was not alone and she cared]
Maybe I am overreacting and this can be worked out...right?
I just feel very hurt that she has decided this without even telling me on the phone..and without stopping to think what this can do to me...
it makes me so sad cause I do trust her..and she knows my heart..then why is she doing this??
SOrry for sharing this..
just feeling so lost here, sitting in front of the computer, checking my mail all the time to see if she's replied to me..
Thank you for listening if you got this far..
Adia
Posted by fallsfall on September 5, 2003, at 15:46:49
In reply to Please help..feeling really confused.. , posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 13:56:20
You are in a very difficult position.
First, I'm so glad that you have someone who you can trust, who you feel can help you. That is so important. Can you tell me a little bit about her? What kind of therapy does she do (CBT, Psychodynamic, Eclectic, etc.)? How long has she been practicing? Is she in a group, or does she have an office by herself? How did you find her? How long have you been seeing her?
I can certainly understand reading letters in the session. There have been many times when I have sat in a session and tried to talk, but wasn't able to. I'd sit there trying to make words come out of my mouth for 15 minutes. But if there was something I knew that I needed to talk about, I would journal (and that usually made the whole topic clearer to me). Then in the next session I might try to talk, but not be able to. So I would get out my journalling and try to read it. Sometimes I couldn't even read it. Then I would give it to her to read. Then she knew what the topic was, and we could usually go on from there. As I was reading your post I thought that it might be helpful during a session when you can't talk to write instead. I never tried it (and now I have a different therapist), but it might help.
Have you sent her the letter describing the flashback? If you were planning to bring it to your next session, I might suggest sending it instead.
Did she say that she thought you weren't making progress, or that the sessions were too difficult, or both?
I think that you should send her an email telling her that you would like to have in person sessions, not just email. You can explain why it is important to you (not being alone, that she provides safety for you). Tell her that you want to be able to talk to her about how the two of you should handle this. See what she says.
She may not be sure how she can best help you. It may be distressing for her to see you going through so much pain. Usually, therapists have someone lined up for "Supervision". That's when the therapist talks about her cases and can get some feedback or other suggestions. It might help her to get another opinion on your case. Another thing that is done is to go for a consultation. This means that you go to see a different therapist for a small number of sessions (I want to say 1 - 4, but I don't know if that is accurate). Then the consulting therapist usually writes a summary for the regular therapist (but I think they could talk as well) about what they see are the issues and problems and solutions.
It sounds to me like you have had a rough life, and that you are working very hard to resolve your problems. I saw nothing in your post that indicated to me that you had done anything wrong - in fact you have done a lot of things right.
My advice is to make sure she gets the flashback letter, send an email so she knows how you are feeling about not seeing her in person.
Then eat ice cream.
You may need to wait a little to get this all straightened out. But it sounds like you are a survivor and you will get through this.
Rent a lot of movies, do something with your friends, distraction is very valuable. Try not to be alone (even if you don't want to see anybody). Ask a friend to keep an eye on you. And let us know how it goes.
Posted by Dinah on September 5, 2003, at 16:18:51
In reply to Please help..feeling really confused.. , posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 13:56:20
Adia, as much as you care for your therapist, and as many fine qualities as I'm sure she has, I'm still forced to say that what she did stinks.
My therapist has from time to time, and in fact the most recent time was a few weeks ago, wondered if therapy was useful or harmful for me. Every time it throws me into a wild panic. But at least he did it in person. Maybe you two have gotten a bit to comfortable with email.
Since this has happened to me, I can say with absolute certainty that therapy can recover from this. The most recent time I wrote him a very long letter that was my attempt to help him reframe his thoughts of the usefulness of our therapy. I put forth as convincing an argument I could as to why it was good for me, despite the fact that it also caused some upset. He thanked me for the letter, and said it helped him understand things a whole lot better. And the process continues somewhat. I'm gaining a better understanding of what he's thinking is going on as opposed to what I'm thinking, and why he gets so frustrated when I think things are going along fine. I'm going to start a thread with part of what we discussed today.
There are a few possibilities. Your therapist may feel she's in over her head, and she may be. How long has she been in practice, and what sort of therapy is she comfortable with? That's a tough hurdle to overcome, but not insurmountable if you're both committed to the therapy process. My therapist has grown as a therapist quite a bit while I've been seeing him, and I've stayed with him while he grew.
The other possibility is that she might just be frustrated at what she doesn't understand. That's way more easily dealt with. If you marshall up all your rational explanations of the good therapy is doing you and what you think is going on, it might give her a new way to look at the process.
Since I just went through this, I'll try to look at the letter I wrote my therapist and see the sort of thing I wrote him. Obviously you have different issues, and your letter would be completely different from mine. But the fact is that we can convince them at least some of the time by explaining what it is that they don't understand.
I *completely* understand how upset you are. And I'm rather upset with your therapist for addressing this via email. But perhaps we could give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being and assume she was out of her mind in delirium from her illness at the moment.
Posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 16:43:06
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » Adia, posted by fallsfall on September 5, 2003, at 15:46:49
Hi...
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me and for sharing your thoughts...
It helped me...I've been sitting in front of this computer since 9 am when I got her mail..Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this...
I am feeling really lost right now..Thank you for sharing and for helping me try to understand...and for helping me feel less lost.I've been seeing her for around 3 years, we've been through so much together, and we've had some hard times too...but she has always been there for me and changed my life in lots of ways...She made such a difference to me. The thought of losing her (I can't help having that thought) terrifies me. I just am so afraid she might get tired of me and decide to stop working with me.
I do have difficulties talking. I tell myself all the time "I will let it all out" but then I can't. In our past sessions I had started bringing letters and we had been reading together and that was a change..and she liked that...cause she said it was a way for me to share and be there and listen to my own thoughts ..out loud...and face things instead of running away. It has helped to be able to write..because I really find it hard to be able to go deep into things...I guess I may be afraid of feeling too much, of being too vulnerable...and I have never ever in my life shared my feelings...so it's like learning to speak..
She told me many times that e-mailing her, as I sometimes do, is different because I don't have to face the other person's reaction and it's not risky...but that to heal I do need to learn to talk...
That's why it surprises me that she has decided this without telling me..I can't understand...She does psychoanalysis mainly, I am not sure if she does anything else? But she's a psychologist and she does psychotherapy. She has a private office by herself. I found her through a friend who knew her and had seen her for a brief time. She's experienced, more than 20 years..but she has admitted to me that in all her years of experience, she had never had so much difficulty or encountered so much difficulty with a patient. She is around 50-something, I'm 27..I do trust her deeply..as much as I can trust someone..I have never trusted anyone the way I trust her..I progress at a very slow pace...very slow....
and she says it is frustrating sometimes for her...'cause I ask desperately for help, desperately, she sees how deep I'm hurting and when she offers that help I don't quite take it...She has told me how she's done things for me or tried different things with me, to help me trust..She has tried so hard with me...and has done so much to show me I could trust her..
And I do trust her but she wants more...She really helped me feel I wanted to live...and maybe she doesn't even know the ways in which she changed my life.
In our last sessions I felt I was making more progress, she feels so happy when I can share something, and she tells me so..and I feel her with me...It hurts to realize that she didn't think or doesn't think I'm making progress. She didn't quite tell me this now. She didn't write that in her mail. She just wrote that our sessions right now were too painful and hard for me and that's why she thought that for the time being we should just write each other. I don't understand why she decided this..
I guess maybe she is frustrated and wants to push me..so I react..
I still haven't sent her the letter about the flashback..I wanted so much to be able to read it with her in our next session..I am so silly sometimes but you know what..I had bought a teddy bear..and had written a note saying he had come just to bring my letter and I wanted to give it to her...
It hurts that we won't share that..I will try to be patient and not think the worst...I don't want to lose her and I'm so afraid she might want to give up on me..
I know it is so frustrating for her...I have emailed her telling her I really think we should talk about this together...and explaining how I was feeling about this and how much I am needing her..I just hope she agrees to see me. I feel so lost without having that chance..I get through the days hanging on to that time I will have with her.
Sorry for rambling on...
Maybe it helps to share that things haven't been easy but now I do feel our bond is stronger and I felt her in my heart and I trust her...
we had one crisis or hard time last year...in which she didn't see me for a time, she wanted me to really take the decision to do something, and see a psychiatrist to take some medication..and she saw me once I saw one...but it hurt just as much to be left alone.I feel that maybe she's doing this to make me react but I don't know..I fear she may be tired of me...I am terrified of losing her..I don't know exactly what I should do, I really want to work things out with her.
I have emailed her and I guess I'll have to somehow be strong and wait to see what she says...
I left a message in her answering machine asking her to please please talk with me..
THank you for your suggestions and for writing back...
It helps and i am hanging on real tight to what you've shared...
Thank you so much, it means a lot to me right now..
Thanks again.
Adia.
> You are in a very difficult position.
>
> First, I'm so glad that you have someone who you can trust, who you feel can help you. That is so important. Can you tell me a little bit about her? What kind of therapy does she do (CBT, Psychodynamic, Eclectic, etc.)? How long has she been practicing? Is she in a group, or does she have an office by herself? How did you find her? How long have you been seeing her?
>
> I can certainly understand reading letters in the session. There have been many times when I have sat in a session and tried to talk, but wasn't able to. I'd sit there trying to make words come out of my mouth for 15 minutes. But if there was something I knew that I needed to talk about, I would journal (and that usually made the whole topic clearer to me). Then in the next session I might try to talk, but not be able to. So I would get out my journalling and try to read it. Sometimes I couldn't even read it. Then I would give it to her to read. Then she knew what the topic was, and we could usually go on from there. As I was reading your post I thought that it might be helpful during a session when you can't talk to write instead. I never tried it (and now I have a different therapist), but it might help.
>
> Have you sent her the letter describing the flashback? If you were planning to bring it to your next session, I might suggest sending it instead.
>
> Did she say that she thought you weren't making progress, or that the sessions were too difficult, or both?
>
> I think that you should send her an email telling her that you would like to have in person sessions, not just email. You can explain why it is important to you (not being alone, that she provides safety for you). Tell her that you want to be able to talk to her about how the two of you should handle this. See what she says.
>
> She may not be sure how she can best help you. It may be distressing for her to see you going through so much pain. Usually, therapists have someone lined up for "Supervision". That's when the therapist talks about her cases and can get some feedback or other suggestions. It might help her to get another opinion on your case. Another thing that is done is to go for a consultation. This means that you go to see a different therapist for a small number of sessions (I want to say 1 - 4, but I don't know if that is accurate). Then the consulting therapist usually writes a summary for the regular therapist (but I think they could talk as well) about what they see are the issues and problems and solutions.
>
> It sounds to me like you have had a rough life, and that you are working very hard to resolve your problems. I saw nothing in your post that indicated to me that you had done anything wrong - in fact you have done a lot of things right.
>
> My advice is to make sure she gets the flashback letter, send an email so she knows how you are feeling about not seeing her in person.
>
> Then eat ice cream.
>
> You may need to wait a little to get this all straightened out. But it sounds like you are a survivor and you will get through this.
>
> Rent a lot of movies, do something with your friends, distraction is very valuable. Try not to be alone (even if you don't want to see anybody). Ask a friend to keep an eye on you. And let us know how it goes.
Posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 16:57:59
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » Adia, posted by Dinah on September 5, 2003, at 16:18:51
Dinah,
Thank you so much for responding to me...and sharing your thoughts and experience with this...
I'm really feeling scared and I wasn't expecting this at all so I am really confused.
I do feel it is unfair that she did this and it hurts that knowing me the way she knows me she does something without even talking with me or asking me..She is always encouraging me to feel I have a right to ask for what I want, etc and now she decides for me something so important to me..(so important that I feel my stability and sense of safety and everything depends on it)
Thank you for understanding..it didn't feel right..that she did this via mail..it hurts she didn't even give me the chance to explain what had happened our last session.
I'm glad you and your therapist could work through the same difficulty and that you are working together and that this could be worked out between you two...
Thank you for saying you'll try to look for the letter you wrote to your therapist.
I guess my therapist may be frustrated 'cause I promise her so much and then I am able to do so little compared to what I promise her.
I have difficulties opening up , sharing out loud but I was making progress, in baby steps...but it seems she doesn't feel the same.
She is experienced and has been working for lots of years now, she's 50-something, I'm 27. She does psychoanalysis..not quite sure about the other things she might do..but mainly that's what she does..
And she said she learnt a lot with me too...
but she admits to me that she has felt frustrated.....because she says I desperately ask for help and she sees how much I hurt and then I don't take or accept her help...
she feels happy when I do...
I feel I am just learning to trust and talk...and it's such a slow process for me...I felt I was getting somewhere ... but she wants more from me...
I really don't understand why she has decided this without even talking with me...our last session she didn't even mention this...I just cried and when we said goodbye she asked me to write about what I had been unable to share and to bring it next time...I wrote something during the week and I made the mistake of asking..in an email..if she could see me before thrusday (our appt day)...She got my mail today..
and it seems something in that mail made her decide this...She says our sessions are too hard and difficult for me right now.
Maybe she wants me to react??
I really can't understand how this can help me..
I so want to believe there is hope and I will be able to work this out with her...
My therapy relationship with her is too precious and I would be devastated if I lost her..
Thank you for saying you think therapy can recover from this..
I will hold on to that...
I'm terrified here.
I need it to work...
Thank you for sharing with me...and validating my feelings too...
It means so much to me.
Thanks..
Adia.> Adia, as much as you care for your therapist, and as many fine qualities as I'm sure she has, I'm still forced to say that what she did stinks.
>
> My therapist has from time to time, and in fact the most recent time was a few weeks ago, wondered if therapy was useful or harmful for me. Every time it throws me into a wild panic. But at least he did it in person. Maybe you two have gotten a bit to comfortable with email.
>
> Since this has happened to me, I can say with absolute certainty that therapy can recover from this. The most recent time I wrote him a very long letter that was my attempt to help him reframe his thoughts of the usefulness of our therapy. I put forth as convincing an argument I could as to why it was good for me, despite the fact that it also caused some upset. He thanked me for the letter, and said it helped him understand things a whole lot better. And the process continues somewhat. I'm gaining a better understanding of what he's thinking is going on as opposed to what I'm thinking, and why he gets so frustrated when I think things are going along fine. I'm going to start a thread with part of what we discussed today.
>
> There are a few possibilities. Your therapist may feel she's in over her head, and she may be. How long has she been in practice, and what sort of therapy is she comfortable with? That's a tough hurdle to overcome, but not insurmountable if you're both committed to the therapy process. My therapist has grown as a therapist quite a bit while I've been seeing him, and I've stayed with him while he grew.
>
> The other possibility is that she might just be frustrated at what she doesn't understand. That's way more easily dealt with. If you marshall up all your rational explanations of the good therapy is doing you and what you think is going on, it might give her a new way to look at the process.
>
> Since I just went through this, I'll try to look at the letter I wrote my therapist and see the sort of thing I wrote him. Obviously you have different issues, and your letter would be completely different from mine. But the fact is that we can convince them at least some of the time by explaining what it is that they don't understand.
>
> I *completely* understand how upset you are. And I'm rather upset with your therapist for addressing this via email. But perhaps we could give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being and assume she was out of her mind in delirium from her illness at the moment.
Posted by Dinah on September 5, 2003, at 17:11:15
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » Dinah, posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 16:57:59
Adia, now it really sounds a lot like what my therapist and I struggle with sometimes. He also feels frustrated at my slow progress. Sometimes he says what he said today. That I'll progress as fast as I progress, and that whatever my pace it's right for me and therefore ok.
Other times he'll get so frustrated because he doesn't feel like he's helping me. Then it really helps him for me to clarify the ways he *is* helping me.
I've heard of therapists using their relationship, and the threat of the loss of it, as leverage to get their patients to do something. I think it's not considered a bad thing in the profession. But I would consider it a bad thing as a patient. Our trust is so fragile, and part of the healing is for the other person to just be there. Just be there week in and week out. Just be there and commit to being there.
I do hope you can work it out with her. I know how desperately frightened you must be feeling.
There are times I'd like to get our therapists together and read them the riot act for their acts of idiocy.
But seriously, do you think her judgement might be impaired from her illness?
Posted by HannahW on September 5, 2003, at 17:13:52
In reply to Please help..feeling really confused.. , posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 13:56:20
I think that stinks too. However, I think you're making some assumptions that aren't necessarily true. You keep blaming yourself and saying that your therapist thinks therapy isn't doing any good, when (according to what you said were her words) she didn't say that. It's possible that she observed your tears at your last session, and since you couldn't talk about it, she had to make assumptions about why you were crying. Since you hadn't ever had a flash-back in session before, she probably didn't realize that's what it was, and attributed it to something else instead. Maybe whatever that "something else" was in her head made her think that therapy was too hard.
Or, maybe you're right that she's trying to get a reaction from you, since she's done that before. I think it's crummy, but it's possible.
I'm glad you were able to communicate with her that you still wanted to see her in person, instead of just accepting it and giving up. That shows real strength and is a tribute to your trust for her. You weren't afraid that she'd call you back and say nasty things and that she never wanted to see you again.
I hope this works out for you. Let us know what happens.
Hannah
Posted by fallsfall on September 5, 2003, at 17:45:18
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » fallsfall, posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 16:43:06
I can completely understanding sitting at the computer waiting for an email.
I had a therapist who helped me grow immensely. I adored her. Believed she could do no wrong. I wanted to be in therapy with her forever. On the board here we called it "Forever Therapy". I couldn't imagine life without her. I believed that I wouldn't and couldn't live without her. I was terrified that something would happen and I wouldn't be able to see her anymore.
Then it started to fall apart. I won't go into the details here (if you really want to know, I can point you to the threads on Babble). I was feeling worse and worse, more panicked. She seemed remote, and she stopped understanding what I was saying. The connection was gone - and I was still fighting to bring it back. After 8 1/2 years I left her (she was my first therapist). It was an incredibly difficult decision, but when it came down to recognizing that since things couldn't get any worse I knew I had to go.
My new therapist is really different. I think that he is very good. He doesn't make me feel "held" like she did, but after his vacation he was able to make me feel "taken care of". With her it was always there. With him, he turns it on and off.
Since I switched, I am feeling significantly better. As soon as the new guy told me that I didn't have to go see her one last time I started feeling better. Today I spent 2 hours volunteering at the library - the first "work" I've done in more than a year and a half. Changing therapists was absolutely necessary for my mental health (but if you had asked me 6 months ago if I would ever leave her by my choice there would have been no question - Never would I leave).
It turns out that there was some transference that was making me miserable. I believe that, because of the type of therapy that she was doing, she was not able to deal with the transference. I believe that the problem actually started 1 1/2 years ago (not 6 months ago, like it seemed). My therapist had 15 years experience, so, like yours, it isn't a case that they just don't have enough knowledge yet.
I went for a consultation on my own. I saw a therapist who had led a group that I belonged to 7 years ago. She had been recommended by my therapist. The consultation forced me to organize in my mind what the situation was. The therapist was wonderful. She calmed me down and made me feel like the world wasn't ending. I asked for and she described what the major pattern was in what I was telling her. She suggested how I could approach my therapist to deal with that. My therapist was a little surprised because I hadn't told her I was going for a consultation. But she was interested in the results.
Later, she consulted with my pdoc (their offices are across the hall) about how she should handle me. She also has a group of therapists who do Supervision together, and she brought my case before that group. I'm not crazy about what they said, but I did like the idea that she was looking for help. Clearly what we were doing wasn't working.
It deteriorated a little more, even though I believe that both of us were working very hard to salvage the relationship. I left after the session when it was clear to me that she didn't know that I had been in immense pain for the preceeding 6 months.
I tell you all of this for a couple of reasons.
First, when I first read your initial post it sounded to me like she didn't know how to help you. That, in itself, is not terrible - as long as she does something to figure it out before you are hurt. It sounded to me like she is trying to buy some time for herself - and if she used that time to figure out how to help you, I think that would be OK.
Second, you sounded an awful lot like me in that you NEED your therapist. I understand so completely.
Third, you need to hear that even when someone NEEDS their therapist, that the therapist might not be able to meet their needs. And that if the patient has to change therapists, that the patient can survive (and even thrive). I wish I could be back with my old therapist now. I really miss her, I miss the comfort that she gave me. But it is SO clear to me that the therapist who I idolized was *hurting* me. Because she didn't know what to do to help me. I made the right choice, absolutely.
I wanted you to send her the Flashback letter, because if she knew what was going on, then she would have a better chance of coming up with something that will help you. If she is worried that she doesn't know how to help you because she doesn't know what is wrong, then the letter would help.
The email was to let her know that you want to have a dialog about how you will work together. You are right that she shouldn't be deciding these things on her own.
Would she accept a teddy bear? Mine would never do that. She almost didn't accept a cupcake I brought to celebrate our anniversary, but then she decided it was OK (because it was chocolate?). I have my own Teddy Bear, who gives me great comfort. If you don't already have one, soft and cuddly bears are very helpful.
You said: but she has admitted to me that in all her years of experience, she had never had so much difficulty or encountered so much difficulty with a patient. I think that you should ask about a consultation, supervision, or a referral (I know, don't panic - if I survived anyone can survive).
Posted by Adia on September 6, 2003, at 12:14:58
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » Adia, posted by fallsfall on September 5, 2003, at 17:45:18
Dear Fallsfall,
Thank you for sharing all that you have...
:****** I have tears...
I read the thread you shared about...
I'm at a loss for words and I have tears..
In my heart I feel how much that must have hurt you..
You are so brave..what you did takes so much courage...
I can feel how terribly painful everything must have been, to try really hard to make things work, to try to hold on, to try to believe that it will work out in the end, that the bond won't break..and to experience so much pain about it...it really breaks my heart.
I'm so glad that you found your current therapist and that you are feeling better now and you feel that he's helping you and you are giving him a chance...I really admire you for having the courage to let someone new close to your heart and trust again..
Thank you for sharing all this with me...
I feel I am not ready or would not be able to get through that...I don't want to lose her...I've been crying so much because I really don't want to lose her...
I realize I shouldn't need her so much..but she's been with me through so much. No one had ever accepted me knowing all of me. No one had ever cared the way she did. No one had ever wanted to do me good and help me and know my heart.
I feel that no one will accept me the way she accepts me...
In a way I feel she rescued the little girl crying in a corner that had been there hurting since I was hurt..
I've been thinking about what you have shared..
I still have some hope that I may work things out with her and make this work. I need it to work..
I feel I wouldn't be able to handle the pain that losing her would bring me..
I really don't know...
My psychiatrist called me and I was crying and she asked if something was wrong and I told her briefly and she said that I should really talk to my therapist.
I am still hanging on to that possibility...that it will all work out and she will realize and we will talk together and see how to better work together...I don't think she would intentionally hurt me but I don't understand her reasons for doin this, but still, I want to give her the chance to explain to me and I want to see if there's a way we can work together...
I really don't know when I'll hear from her, or what will happen, it's the weekend and that's worse...I am not sure if she has read what I sent her. I did send her my letter and an email saying I think we do have to talk about all this together...
I feel my fear grows with each day I don't hear from her...
Thank you for saying I would survive that...
I don't feel that sure in my heart :o(
Thank you for sharing all you have,
You have been so brave...
Thanks for writing and reaching out to me...
Adia.
> I can completely understanding sitting at the computer waiting for an email.
>
> I had a therapist who helped me grow immensely. I adored her. Believed she could do no wrong. I wanted to be in therapy with her forever. On the board here we called it "Forever Therapy". I couldn't imagine life without her. I believed that I wouldn't and couldn't live without her. I was terrified that something would happen and I wouldn't be able to see her anymore.
>
> Then it started to fall apart. I won't go into the details here (if you really want to know, I can point you to the threads on Babble). I was feeling worse and worse, more panicked. She seemed remote, and she stopped understanding what I was saying. The connection was gone - and I was still fighting to bring it back. After 8 1/2 years I left her (she was my first therapist). It was an incredibly difficult decision, but when it came down to recognizing that since things couldn't get any worse I knew I had to go.
>
> My new therapist is really different. I think that he is very good. He doesn't make me feel "held" like she did, but after his vacation he was able to make me feel "taken care of". With her it was always there. With him, he turns it on and off.
>
> Since I switched, I am feeling significantly better. As soon as the new guy told me that I didn't have to go see her one last time I started feeling better. Today I spent 2 hours volunteering at the library - the first "work" I've done in more than a year and a half. Changing therapists was absolutely necessary for my mental health (but if you had asked me 6 months ago if I would ever leave her by my choice there would have been no question - Never would I leave).
>
> It turns out that there was some transference that was making me miserable. I believe that, because of the type of therapy that she was doing, she was not able to deal with the transference. I believe that the problem actually started 1 1/2 years ago (not 6 months ago, like it seemed). My therapist had 15 years experience, so, like yours, it isn't a case that they just don't have enough knowledge yet.
>
> I went for a consultation on my own. I saw a therapist who had led a group that I belonged to 7 years ago. She had been recommended by my therapist. The consultation forced me to organize in my mind what the situation was. The therapist was wonderful. She calmed me down and made me feel like the world wasn't ending. I asked for and she described what the major pattern was in what I was telling her. She suggested how I could approach my therapist to deal with that. My therapist was a little surprised because I hadn't told her I was going for a consultation. But she was interested in the results.
>
> Later, she consulted with my pdoc (their offices are across the hall) about how she should handle me. She also has a group of therapists who do Supervision together, and she brought my case before that group. I'm not crazy about what they said, but I did like the idea that she was looking for help. Clearly what we were doing wasn't working.
>
> It deteriorated a little more, even though I believe that both of us were working very hard to salvage the relationship. I left after the session when it was clear to me that she didn't know that I had been in immense pain for the preceeding 6 months.
>
> I tell you all of this for a couple of reasons.
>
> First, when I first read your initial post it sounded to me like she didn't know how to help you. That, in itself, is not terrible - as long as she does something to figure it out before you are hurt. It sounded to me like she is trying to buy some time for herself - and if she used that time to figure out how to help you, I think that would be OK.
>
> Second, you sounded an awful lot like me in that you NEED your therapist. I understand so completely.
>
> Third, you need to hear that even when someone NEEDS their therapist, that the therapist might not be able to meet their needs. And that if the patient has to change therapists, that the patient can survive (and even thrive). I wish I could be back with my old therapist now. I really miss her, I miss the comfort that she gave me. But it is SO clear to me that the therapist who I idolized was *hurting* me. Because she didn't know what to do to help me. I made the right choice, absolutely.
>
> I wanted you to send her the Flashback letter, because if she knew what was going on, then she would have a better chance of coming up with something that will help you. If she is worried that she doesn't know how to help you because she doesn't know what is wrong, then the letter would help.
>
> The email was to let her know that you want to have a dialog about how you will work together. You are right that she shouldn't be deciding these things on her own.
>
> Would she accept a teddy bear? Mine would never do that. She almost didn't accept a cupcake I brought to celebrate our anniversary, but then she decided it was OK (because it was chocolate?). I have my own Teddy Bear, who gives me great comfort. If you don't already have one, soft and cuddly bears are very helpful.
>
> You said: but she has admitted to me that in all her years of experience, she had never had so much difficulty or encountered so much difficulty with a patient. I think that you should ask about a consultation, supervision, or a referral (I know, don't panic - if I survived anyone can survive).
Posted by Adia on September 6, 2003, at 12:22:00
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. , posted by HannahW on September 5, 2003, at 17:13:52
Hi Hannah,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and for writing to me. It really means more than I can say right now.
Maybe you are right that I am making assumptions that aren't necessarily true..Maybe she had reasons to think that therapy was too tough for me right now, I am just hoping that she will think about it and we will talk about it and find a way to work this out...I haven't heard from her yet..and I'm terrified of losing her :o(
I am trying to hang on , I've done all I could, I wrote her explaining and telling her I do need to talk with her...I just hope she replies to me...I still have faith in her and I do feel she wouldn't want to hurt me intentionally...Thank you for sharing with me, it really helps me...you've made me think of some possibilities I hadn't thought of..
Thank you again ...
will hang on somehow till I hear from her..
Adia.
> I think that stinks too. However, I think you're making some assumptions that aren't necessarily true. You keep blaming yourself and saying that your therapist thinks therapy isn't doing any good, when (according to what you said were her words) she didn't say that. It's possible that she observed your tears at your last session, and since you couldn't talk about it, she had to make assumptions about why you were crying. Since you hadn't ever had a flash-back in session before, she probably didn't realize that's what it was, and attributed it to something else instead. Maybe whatever that "something else" was in her head made her think that therapy was too hard.
>
> Or, maybe you're right that she's trying to get a reaction from you, since she's done that before. I think it's crummy, but it's possible.
>
> I'm glad you were able to communicate with her that you still wanted to see her in person, instead of just accepting it and giving up. That shows real strength and is a tribute to your trust for her. You weren't afraid that she'd call you back and say nasty things and that she never wanted to see you again.
>
> I hope this works out for you. Let us know what happens.
>
> Hannah
Posted by Adia on September 6, 2003, at 12:30:48
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » Adia, posted by Dinah on September 5, 2003, at 17:11:15
Dear Dinah,
Thank you again for sharing with me and being here...
I am here hanging on, hoping to hear from her..
I guess I shouldn't need her as much as I do, but the idea of losing her makes me panic.
I'm glad it seems you are working well with your therapist and you are able to tell him the things you need and feel...I'm glad you were able to bring up how you were feeling about the money and that you could discuss it with him.
I sent an email to my therapist explaining the ways in which she does help me and how much I do need that safety of what you have shared here...
'just to be there and commit to being there'. You are right that trust is so fragile and it is so important to be able to rely on that certainty at least.
In my mail I ask her to please please talk with me, and I tell her that I want us to find a way to work together...I tell her this isn't helping me at all and explain why I think it isn't right and that we should talk about it..I tried to be honest and clear and write her from my heart and the adult me and not the little girl that is terrified of losing her safe place.
I am trying to hang on and believe that somehow we'll be able to talk and work things out..i don't want to lose her..
Thank you for being here..
I will hang on somehow till I hear from her...
Thanks again, it really really helps not to be alone with all of this..
All my support to you,
Adia.
>
> I do hope you can work it out with her. I know how desperately frightened you must be feeling.
>
> There are times I'd like to get our therapists together and read them the riot act for their acts of idiocy.
>
> But seriously, do you think her judgement might be impaired from her illness?
Posted by fallsfall on September 6, 2003, at 18:06:48
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » fallsfall, posted by Adia on September 6, 2003, at 12:14:58
Adia,
The weekends are the worst. I know that my therapist didn't check her voice mail over the weekend (she didn't have email). So if I didn't get in touch with her during the week, I had to wait until Monday. I could call for emergency help, but the different therapists shared weekend and night coverage, so I probably wouldn't speak to her.
As I would try to get through the weekend, I would think about what she would say, or what I would say. The more I thought about it, the more upset I would get. Sometimes something would happen in a session, and I would hope that she would be worried, or want to say that she was sorry. I would wait for her to call, but she didn't call.
It is hard to distract yourself from these things, but I really think that it helps. Sitting in front of the computer is deadly. You need to be out of the house if you can, doing something with friends maybe. If you are going to stay home, then do something that forces you to concentrate. Read a book, watch a movie. Choose something that will keep your mind busy - it will make the time pass faster.
You wrote: I feel I am not ready or would not be able to get through that...I don't want to lose her...I've been crying so much because I really don't want to lose her...
I realize I shouldn't need her so much..but she's been with me through so much. No one had ever accepted me knowing all of me. No one had ever cared the way she did. No one had ever wanted to do me good and help me and know my heart.
I feel that no one will accept me the way she accepts me...I could have written every one of those words. To finally be understood. To be accepted, flaws and all. To feel safe and taken care of. I often felt like the 18 month old baby who goes off to explore something and then comes back to her mother's knee to refuel before going off again. My therapist was that knee for me.
I truly hope that you and your therapist can work things out and continue on your journey. I know how hard it is to change therapists - there is so much the new therapist needs to know so that they can understand, and you have to develop a trust in the new therapist. It is very hard. If you can stay with your current therapist then you will feel much more secure.
I just ask you to consider that if, for some reason, you can't work things out with her that, if she could treat you that way, there is probably somebody else out there who could also take care of you. You certainly wouldn't want to look for anyone else if you didn't have to, but I truly believe that she isn't the ONLY person in the world who could help you.
Would you survive? You don't sound like a quitter to me. It sounds like you are very aware of what is going on around you and what it means. You showed a certain amount of initiative and creativity by posting here. I think it would be hard. I don't think you want to do it. But I think that if you had no choice, that you would survive. I hope that you don't have to go through that.
I think that there were times when I believed that I would not live without her, but I was wrong. Human beings are quite resilient. And there are many talented and caring therapists out there to help us on our way.
So, go have some fun. Do something distracting. (My favorite is to eat ice cream - I had some this afternoon)
Posted by Adia on September 8, 2003, at 11:07:59
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » Adia, posted by fallsfall on September 6, 2003, at 18:06:48
Dear Fallsfall,
Thank you for being here...I held on tight to what you shared to get through the weekend...I watched lots of movies to try to stop thinking...I love ice cream too. :o)
Thank you for sharing with me.
I was moved...that you felt the same way...
I have felt with her, lots of times, as a little girl who just wanted desperately to be held by her and rest on her lap and just feel safe and protected. No one had ever treated me so nicely, and no one had ever accepted me knowing all the bad stuff...she gave me hope for the first time in my life..I want to make things work with her somehow..trust was, is so hard for me..
Thank you for giving me hope....that no matter what happens there is some hope...
I wanted to share..I left a message in my therapist's answering machine today..I just said, Please do call me, I need you... And she called me...a moment ago...As soon as I heard her voice I burst into tears but with relief..she asked how I was feeling and I said I needed to talk to her, and well we talked a little bit about all that has happened. She told me she was without computer this weekend and in bed ..I told her I had emailed her but that I thought it was better for us to talk..I told her how it hurt me to feel she's giving up on me or losing hope with me.
She explained..that as a professional she has to tell me that things are not working right now..
That she has to take responsibility..I told her she was helping me in lots of ways..she said she can't be just someone to comfort me. That she wants much more than that.
I said that I realize I make progress in baby steps..She said I do have to realize that after all this time I still go and fall into silence and can't talk from my heart as I do on the phone or in writing..THat I keep minimizing things, that I keep giving up, as if my things didn't matter at all. And then I get desperate cause I keep it all inside of me instead of finding relief with her. She says that she can't watch how this happens all the time and just do nothing. That we have to do something about it...That in all this time working together she has tried so much to make me feel I could trust..and that maybe I do trust..but that it is not enough for her. That there are rules, things which have to take place....
That I keep promising her I will do my part and then I go just seeking for comfort and not willing to go deep into the things that matter and may be painful and I just sit there as if I were a scared little girl who'll be punished if she says a word.
She said she realizes that it is hard for me, very hard, but that she can't just sit and watch that happen without doing anything to help me.
She said on the phone I do seem to have that decision..and determination...as if i were really taking myself seriously..but then when I see her I sit in front of her and say I am afraid and I can't tell her what I am feeling or what I want to share with her..
She said she is not there to judge me..but to understand and look at things together and help me change and find peace in my heart and live better...
I explained how it terrified me when I thought she could leave me or stop working with me or when it felt that she was giving up on me..She said that if I am willing to do my part, to really make an effort, then she's more than willing to work with me..she would be really happy. And she explained that I don't need to feel afraid of her being angry if I tell her something, that we can talk about it and it's all part of the process...
I told her that I needed things to work and she said so did she..but that she needed to tell me if things are not working..that I am not right now responding well to the treatment and that she feels frustrated..not because she doesn't care about me..but because she truly wants to help me..and if I don't talk to her, I leave her alone to help me and she can't help me if I don't let her...
It is all a bit hard ....I understand why she feels this way..cause I promise all the time I will be able to open up and talk from my heart and then again I give in to fear as if I were a little girl terrified of telling and being hurt for telling. I guess it's part of the problem I have.
I told her I thought we needed to talk things over together...and she told me okay and that we'll see each other on friday..and told me not to come feeling afraid..just willing to talk...that she is willing to work with me but we need to work together and she can't be there just to comfort me the way I expect her to...
I feel some relief and hope in my heart..she said tonight she would read what I wrote to her..
so this is what happened....
I guess I can understand why she's feeling this way with me...but I soo need to make things work..she says I only respond under pressure and that shouldn't be like that...
She says I can't keep relying on the next chance I'll have..that i have to do something now instead of delaying things all the time.
guess somehow this can be worked out??
Thank you for listening ,
I just wanted to share what happened..
and thank you and the others for being with me and helping me get through the weekend...
Thank you for your support and understanding..
It means so much to me..
I don't feel so lost in my heart....
I can't tell how much it meant to me to find your post this weekend.
Thank you ....
adia.
> Adia,
>
> The weekends are the worst. I know that my therapist didn't check her voice mail over the weekend (she didn't have email). So if I didn't get in touch with her during the week, I had to wait until Monday. I could call for emergency help, but the different therapists shared weekend and night coverage, so I probably wouldn't speak to her.
>
> As I would try to get through the weekend, I would think about what she would say, or what I would say. The more I thought about it, the more upset I would get. Sometimes something would happen in a session, and I would hope that she would be worried, or want to say that she was sorry. I would wait for her to call, but she didn't call.
>
> It is hard to distract yourself from these things, but I really think that it helps. Sitting in front of the computer is deadly. You need to be out of the house if you can, doing something with friends maybe. If you are going to stay home, then do something that forces you to concentrate. Read a book, watch a movie. Choose something that will keep your mind busy - it will make the time pass faster.
>
> You wrote: I feel I am not ready or would not be able to get through that...I don't want to lose her...I've been crying so much because I really don't want to lose her...
> I realize I shouldn't need her so much..but she's been with me through so much. No one had ever accepted me knowing all of me. No one had ever cared the way she did. No one had ever wanted to do me good and help me and know my heart.
> I feel that no one will accept me the way she accepts me...
>
> I could have written every one of those words. To finally be understood. To be accepted, flaws and all. To feel safe and taken care of. I often felt like the 18 month old baby who goes off to explore something and then comes back to her mother's knee to refuel before going off again. My therapist was that knee for me.
>
> I truly hope that you and your therapist can work things out and continue on your journey. I know how hard it is to change therapists - there is so much the new therapist needs to know so that they can understand, and you have to develop a trust in the new therapist. It is very hard. If you can stay with your current therapist then you will feel much more secure.
>
> I just ask you to consider that if, for some reason, you can't work things out with her that, if she could treat you that way, there is probably somebody else out there who could also take care of you. You certainly wouldn't want to look for anyone else if you didn't have to, but I truly believe that she isn't the ONLY person in the world who could help you.
>
> Would you survive? You don't sound like a quitter to me. It sounds like you are very aware of what is going on around you and what it means. You showed a certain amount of initiative and creativity by posting here. I think it would be hard. I don't think you want to do it. But I think that if you had no choice, that you would survive. I hope that you don't have to go through that.
>
> I think that there were times when I believed that I would not live without her, but I was wrong. Human beings are quite resilient. And there are many talented and caring therapists out there to help us on our way.
>
> So, go have some fun. Do something distracting. (My favorite is to eat ice cream - I had some this afternoon)
Posted by Poet on September 8, 2003, at 13:22:48
In reply to My therapist called .... » fallsfall, posted by Adia on September 8, 2003, at 11:07:59
Keep taking those baby steps. I'm not what my therapist calls a "blurter" either. I also have a hard time with trust and I know that I can tell her anything and should tell her everything, but like you, I sit there and can't say a word. I feel your frustration and understand your therapist's. I'm proud you were able to have that phone conversation about how things are going. That is a big step, not a baby one.
Posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2003, at 15:40:38
In reply to My therapist called .... » fallsfall, posted by Adia on September 8, 2003, at 11:07:59
Adia,
I am so happy and relieved for you.
She sounds like a wonderful therapist. It is her job to make sure that if things get stuck that something will happen to fix them, or she needs to refer you to someone else. And that is exactly what she is doing. She's making sure that the two of you are looking at what is not working to that together you can make it work. She isn't mad at you, she is concerned because she cares.
There were some times when I was afraid to tell my therapist something, but I knew that if I didn't I couldn't expect her to be able to help me. So, essentially, I had to tell her or I would have to leave. I decided that leaving was more painful than whatever reaction I was expecting from her if I told her the thing. This may apply for you, too. If you don't open up you will lose her - so which is worse?
I'm happy for you. She sounds great. Now you just have to screw up your courage and do your part.
The two of you can get through this together. Just remember that she isn't any of the people from your past. She's someone new. If other people in your life have been angry about things, or couldn't get over their anger - she isn't those people. Trust her to put your interests first and to take care of you.
Please keep in touch - Ice cream is always helpful - make sure you let us know how Friday goes.
Posted by stebby on September 8, 2003, at 20:26:48
In reply to My therapist called .... » fallsfall, posted by Adia on September 8, 2003, at 11:07:59
Adia, I am so glad she called and is giving you another chance. I know how much she means to you, and this must have been devastating. Good luck on Friday. I hope you can open up...I know how hard it is and wish you the best.
Posted by HannahW on September 9, 2003, at 17:58:21
In reply to My therapist called .... » fallsfall, posted by Adia on September 8, 2003, at 11:07:59
Oh, Adia, I feel for you!
Is your therapist a psychiatrist? I wonder if you might be feeling some social anxiety, and if an anti-anxiety medication before your session might help. Seems like it might be appropriate.
If that's not an option, maybe you could try to relax in some other way. Have a couple glasses of wine before you go (or mimosas if your appt. is in the morning!), or if you don't drink, maybe sit in the hottub at the gym, or just a hot bath at home, get a massage, whatever. Your next session sounds like a last-chance, make-it-or-break-it session.
Do absolutely everything in your power to be relaxed, loose, and uninhibited when you go in. Then, GO FOR BROKE! Let out all that stuff that feels so ugly and hideous to you, and risk her rejection. Remember, if you DON'T let it all out, it sounds like she WILL "reject" you (not really, but it will feel that way). You might as well let her inside you and hang your hat on the chance that she WON'T reject you because of it. (And she really won't!)
Playing along with the what-if-I'm-too-ugly-and-she-rejects-me-because-of-it idea, at least if you open up and let it spill out and she rejects you, you'll know you did everything you could and everything she asked, and that it's not your fault for not trying. (Of course that's a ridiculous scenario, but I'm playing Devil's advocate.) On the other hand, if you still stay reserved, and she rejects you because of it, you'll hate yourself for not giving it everything you had.
You can do it! What if she was you and had all your "stuff" and you were her? Would you find her "stuff" repulsive and reject? Would those horrible things that people did to her in her past make you think badly of HER? Or would it make you love her more and ache to help her?
Allow her to feel now the way you would if the tables were turned. Trust her the way you would want her to trust you if she were you.
Hannah
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2003, at 19:07:25
In reply to My therapist called .... » fallsfall, posted by Adia on September 8, 2003, at 11:07:59
I'm glad she's willing to talk things out. That is what therapy is all about, after all.
Sometimes I find it frustrating. All our therapists see sometimes is the still duck floating on the current. But we know how furiously we're paddling beneath, how hard we're really working.
It's a lot of hard work to build and sustain trust for some of us. But I guess that isn't visible on the outside.
I'm glad you're feeling better about it. Let us know how it goes.
Posted by Adia on September 9, 2003, at 19:45:49
In reply to Re: My therapist called .... » Adia, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2003, at 19:07:25
Dinah,
Thank you so much for being here and sharing your thoughts with me..
I do feel relieved to feel I have a chance this friday to try to talk with her, I need things to work somehow, and I need to show her that I do need her to stick with me ..that it really makes me lose all sense of safety when i feel she's giving up on me.
You are right, it is frustrating, I feel the same way...I guess they can't know how hard we're trying..and what we're truly feeling inside...
It doesn't show on the outside...
I see progress in things she doesn't and that hurts...As you shared, trust is such a hard thing and we have to keep on working so hard inside and they don't always realize....
Thank you for sharing with me,
I'll share how it goes on friday....
Thanks again...
Adia.> I'm glad she's willing to talk things out. That is what therapy is all about, after all.
>
> Sometimes I find it frustrating. All our therapists see sometimes is the still duck floating on the current. But we know how furiously we're paddling beneath, how hard we're really working.
>
> It's a lot of hard work to build and sustain trust for some of us. But I guess that isn't visible on the outside.
>
> I'm glad you're feeling better about it. Let us know how it goes.
Posted by Adia on September 9, 2003, at 20:03:34
In reply to Re: My therapist called ...., posted by HannahW on September 9, 2003, at 17:58:21
Dear Hannah,
Thank you for your message..It brought tears to my eyes. It touched my heart.
Thank you so much for understanding and sharing with me...It helps me feel more hopeful inside my heart...that maybe I can make things work if I try with all of me...
I am taking risperdal, but I will ask my psychiatrist if we can change 'cause it isn't helping me much right now...
Thank you for your support...
I have an hour bus trip to get to my therapist's office, I have written her some stuff, I may read it on the bus so as to focus a bit and to feel the words in me, I have to make it work somehow, I'll try not to give in to fear as I always do...I realize that she's giving me this chance to show her that I am willing to try and make an effort no matter how hard it is..I don't want to lose her..I am sooo afraid of that part of me that gives up so easily when I am with her...
But I will try to be strong and give it all I have as you have shared...
I really need this to work...It was terrible to think I might lose her or she might give up on me.
I will try to take a deep breath when I find myself sitting in front of her and let things out...Thank you for saying it is possible and it will be okay if I do that...
I do feel relieved that she agreed to give me this session and I do believe she would be willing to work with me but it all depends on what happens...and what I do on friday..
I'll try to hang on to what you tell me here,if I don't let it all out then I might lose her...If I do let it all out then you are right that it is what she wants and she won't reject me and it will make her feel she can work with me...Thank you for making me think that I can do it, I will hate myself if I don't give it all I have...It would be like admitting to myself that I am someone who doesn't deserve to be helped at all.
You are right that if the tables were turned I wouldn't reject her if she shared that stuff...
I will try to give myself the chance...somehow...
and trust her and fight my fear and do something before I lose her or it's too late...
Thank you for touching my heart.
I'll let you all know how it goes...
i'm counting the hours...
Thank you so much, you've given me hope.. :o)
Adia.
Posted by Adia on September 9, 2003, at 20:05:50
In reply to Re: My therapist called .... » Adia, posted by stebby on September 8, 2003, at 20:26:48
Hi stebby,
Thank you....I am counting the hours, I somehow need to make it work..I can't lose her.. :o(((
Thank you for wishing me luck..
All my support to you too,
Adia.> Adia, I am so glad she called and is giving you another chance. I know how much she means to you, and this must have been devastating. Good luck on Friday. I hope you can open up...I know how hard it is and wish you the best.
Posted by Adia on September 9, 2003, at 20:09:09
In reply to Re: My therapist called ...., posted by Poet on September 8, 2003, at 13:22:48
Hi Poet,
Thank you for your message and for sharing with me.
I am sorry you struggle with the same...I don't know why a part of me gives up so easily and stops trying and just sits there with all the words and emotions inside...Then it hurts so much to leave and feel you haven't been able to share when that's what you needed most....
I hang on to those baby steps...
I have to believe there is a way..
I hope you too feel that.
Thank you for sharing with me. It means so much.
Adia.> Keep taking those baby steps. I'm not what my therapist calls a "blurter" either. I also have a hard time with trust and I know that I can tell her anything and should tell her everything, but like you, I sit there and can't say a word. I feel your frustration and understand your therapist's. I'm proud you were able to have that phone conversation about how things are going. That is a big step, not a baby one.
Posted by Adia on September 9, 2003, at 20:15:50
In reply to Re: My therapist called .... » Adia, posted by fallsfall on September 8, 2003, at 15:40:38
Dear fallsfall,
Thank you again, so so much...
Thanks for helping me see things in a clearer way and for helping me understand her and what's happened..
You are right that I have to tell her or I will lose her...
Thank you for saying that she and I can get through this together...and that she's not mad at me and wants to help and just can't let things go on this way..'cause it is not working..
I'll hang on to that when I go to see her and I will try to open my heart and fight my fear..I do need to make it work and I don't want to lose her because of my fear...I will try to let down the walls and trust her..
Thank you for being here..
I'll let you know how it goes...
i am counting the hours...but so relieved that she's giving me this chance...I don't want to lose her...
Thank you so much for your help and for sharing with me..Adia.
Posted by allisonf on September 10, 2003, at 3:30:58
In reply to Please help..feeling really confused.. , posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 13:56:20
Hi Adia,
Just wanted to let you know I've been following your posts and have been thinking of you. Good luck with your session on Friday and let us know what happens. It sounds like you are giving a lot of thought to the session and how you want it to go. I'm sure that your therapist will be able to see that. From what you've written, it seems clear that she really wants to find the best treatment for you & I can't see that she would leave you in a bad place as long as you can make your needs known. Again, good luck in your session Friday.
Take care of yourself--A
Posted by Adia on September 11, 2003, at 18:52:43
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » Adia, posted by allisonf on September 10, 2003, at 3:30:58
Hi Allison,
Thank you very much for your message..It means a lot to me. Thank you for wishing me luck tomorrow, I will try hard to let her know or open my heart to her, I do believe that if I can somehow open up to her at least a little, she won't leave me..
Thank you for your thoughts...
It means so much...
Adia.Thank you for thinking of me and for your post...
> Hi Adia,
> Just wanted to let you know I've been following your posts and have been thinking of you. Good luck with your session on Friday and let us know what happens. It sounds like you are giving a lot of thought to the session and how you want it to go. I'm sure that your therapist will be able to see that. From what you've written, it seems clear that she really wants to find the best treatment for you & I can't see that she would leave you in a bad place as long as you can make your needs known. Again, good luck in your session Friday.
> Take care of yourself--A
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.