Posted by Adia on September 8, 2003, at 11:07:59
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » Adia, posted by fallsfall on September 6, 2003, at 18:06:48
Dear Fallsfall,
Thank you for being here...I held on tight to what you shared to get through the weekend...I watched lots of movies to try to stop thinking...I love ice cream too. :o)
Thank you for sharing with me.
I was moved...that you felt the same way...
I have felt with her, lots of times, as a little girl who just wanted desperately to be held by her and rest on her lap and just feel safe and protected. No one had ever treated me so nicely, and no one had ever accepted me knowing all the bad stuff...she gave me hope for the first time in my life..I want to make things work with her somehow..trust was, is so hard for me..
Thank you for giving me hope....that no matter what happens there is some hope...
I wanted to share..I left a message in my therapist's answering machine today..I just said, Please do call me, I need you... And she called me...a moment ago...As soon as I heard her voice I burst into tears but with relief..she asked how I was feeling and I said I needed to talk to her, and well we talked a little bit about all that has happened. She told me she was without computer this weekend and in bed ..I told her I had emailed her but that I thought it was better for us to talk..I told her how it hurt me to feel she's giving up on me or losing hope with me.
She explained..that as a professional she has to tell me that things are not working right now..
That she has to take responsibility..I told her she was helping me in lots of ways..she said she can't be just someone to comfort me. That she wants much more than that.
I said that I realize I make progress in baby steps..She said I do have to realize that after all this time I still go and fall into silence and can't talk from my heart as I do on the phone or in writing..THat I keep minimizing things, that I keep giving up, as if my things didn't matter at all. And then I get desperate cause I keep it all inside of me instead of finding relief with her. She says that she can't watch how this happens all the time and just do nothing. That we have to do something about it...That in all this time working together she has tried so much to make me feel I could trust..and that maybe I do trust..but that it is not enough for her. That there are rules, things which have to take place....
That I keep promising her I will do my part and then I go just seeking for comfort and not willing to go deep into the things that matter and may be painful and I just sit there as if I were a scared little girl who'll be punished if she says a word.
She said she realizes that it is hard for me, very hard, but that she can't just sit and watch that happen without doing anything to help me.
She said on the phone I do seem to have that decision..and determination...as if i were really taking myself seriously..but then when I see her I sit in front of her and say I am afraid and I can't tell her what I am feeling or what I want to share with her..
She said she is not there to judge me..but to understand and look at things together and help me change and find peace in my heart and live better...
I explained how it terrified me when I thought she could leave me or stop working with me or when it felt that she was giving up on me..She said that if I am willing to do my part, to really make an effort, then she's more than willing to work with me..she would be really happy. And she explained that I don't need to feel afraid of her being angry if I tell her something, that we can talk about it and it's all part of the process...
I told her that I needed things to work and she said so did she..but that she needed to tell me if things are not working..that I am not right now responding well to the treatment and that she feels frustrated..not because she doesn't care about me..but because she truly wants to help me..and if I don't talk to her, I leave her alone to help me and she can't help me if I don't let her...
It is all a bit hard ....I understand why she feels this way..cause I promise all the time I will be able to open up and talk from my heart and then again I give in to fear as if I were a little girl terrified of telling and being hurt for telling. I guess it's part of the problem I have.
I told her I thought we needed to talk things over together...and she told me okay and that we'll see each other on friday..and told me not to come feeling afraid..just willing to talk...that she is willing to work with me but we need to work together and she can't be there just to comfort me the way I expect her to...
I feel some relief and hope in my heart..she said tonight she would read what I wrote to her..
so this is what happened....
I guess I can understand why she's feeling this way with me...but I soo need to make things work..she says I only respond under pressure and that shouldn't be like that...
She says I can't keep relying on the next chance I'll have..that i have to do something now instead of delaying things all the time.
guess somehow this can be worked out??
Thank you for listening ,
I just wanted to share what happened..
and thank you and the others for being with me and helping me get through the weekend...
Thank you for your support and understanding..
It means so much to me..
I don't feel so lost in my heart....
I can't tell how much it meant to me to find your post this weekend.
Thank you ....
adia.
> Adia,
>
> The weekends are the worst. I know that my therapist didn't check her voice mail over the weekend (she didn't have email). So if I didn't get in touch with her during the week, I had to wait until Monday. I could call for emergency help, but the different therapists shared weekend and night coverage, so I probably wouldn't speak to her.
>
> As I would try to get through the weekend, I would think about what she would say, or what I would say. The more I thought about it, the more upset I would get. Sometimes something would happen in a session, and I would hope that she would be worried, or want to say that she was sorry. I would wait for her to call, but she didn't call.
>
> It is hard to distract yourself from these things, but I really think that it helps. Sitting in front of the computer is deadly. You need to be out of the house if you can, doing something with friends maybe. If you are going to stay home, then do something that forces you to concentrate. Read a book, watch a movie. Choose something that will keep your mind busy - it will make the time pass faster.
>
> You wrote: I feel I am not ready or would not be able to get through that...I don't want to lose her...I've been crying so much because I really don't want to lose her...
> I realize I shouldn't need her so much..but she's been with me through so much. No one had ever accepted me knowing all of me. No one had ever cared the way she did. No one had ever wanted to do me good and help me and know my heart.
> I feel that no one will accept me the way she accepts me...
>
> I could have written every one of those words. To finally be understood. To be accepted, flaws and all. To feel safe and taken care of. I often felt like the 18 month old baby who goes off to explore something and then comes back to her mother's knee to refuel before going off again. My therapist was that knee for me.
>
> I truly hope that you and your therapist can work things out and continue on your journey. I know how hard it is to change therapists - there is so much the new therapist needs to know so that they can understand, and you have to develop a trust in the new therapist. It is very hard. If you can stay with your current therapist then you will feel much more secure.
>
> I just ask you to consider that if, for some reason, you can't work things out with her that, if she could treat you that way, there is probably somebody else out there who could also take care of you. You certainly wouldn't want to look for anyone else if you didn't have to, but I truly believe that she isn't the ONLY person in the world who could help you.
>
> Would you survive? You don't sound like a quitter to me. It sounds like you are very aware of what is going on around you and what it means. You showed a certain amount of initiative and creativity by posting here. I think it would be hard. I don't think you want to do it. But I think that if you had no choice, that you would survive. I hope that you don't have to go through that.
>
> I think that there were times when I believed that I would not live without her, but I was wrong. Human beings are quite resilient. And there are many talented and caring therapists out there to help us on our way.
>
> So, go have some fun. Do something distracting. (My favorite is to eat ice cream - I had some this afternoon)
poster:Adia
thread:257321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/258052.html