Posted by fallsfall on September 5, 2003, at 17:45:18
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » fallsfall, posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 16:43:06
I can completely understanding sitting at the computer waiting for an email.
I had a therapist who helped me grow immensely. I adored her. Believed she could do no wrong. I wanted to be in therapy with her forever. On the board here we called it "Forever Therapy". I couldn't imagine life without her. I believed that I wouldn't and couldn't live without her. I was terrified that something would happen and I wouldn't be able to see her anymore.
Then it started to fall apart. I won't go into the details here (if you really want to know, I can point you to the threads on Babble). I was feeling worse and worse, more panicked. She seemed remote, and she stopped understanding what I was saying. The connection was gone - and I was still fighting to bring it back. After 8 1/2 years I left her (she was my first therapist). It was an incredibly difficult decision, but when it came down to recognizing that since things couldn't get any worse I knew I had to go.
My new therapist is really different. I think that he is very good. He doesn't make me feel "held" like she did, but after his vacation he was able to make me feel "taken care of". With her it was always there. With him, he turns it on and off.
Since I switched, I am feeling significantly better. As soon as the new guy told me that I didn't have to go see her one last time I started feeling better. Today I spent 2 hours volunteering at the library - the first "work" I've done in more than a year and a half. Changing therapists was absolutely necessary for my mental health (but if you had asked me 6 months ago if I would ever leave her by my choice there would have been no question - Never would I leave).
It turns out that there was some transference that was making me miserable. I believe that, because of the type of therapy that she was doing, she was not able to deal with the transference. I believe that the problem actually started 1 1/2 years ago (not 6 months ago, like it seemed). My therapist had 15 years experience, so, like yours, it isn't a case that they just don't have enough knowledge yet.
I went for a consultation on my own. I saw a therapist who had led a group that I belonged to 7 years ago. She had been recommended by my therapist. The consultation forced me to organize in my mind what the situation was. The therapist was wonderful. She calmed me down and made me feel like the world wasn't ending. I asked for and she described what the major pattern was in what I was telling her. She suggested how I could approach my therapist to deal with that. My therapist was a little surprised because I hadn't told her I was going for a consultation. But she was interested in the results.
Later, she consulted with my pdoc (their offices are across the hall) about how she should handle me. She also has a group of therapists who do Supervision together, and she brought my case before that group. I'm not crazy about what they said, but I did like the idea that she was looking for help. Clearly what we were doing wasn't working.
It deteriorated a little more, even though I believe that both of us were working very hard to salvage the relationship. I left after the session when it was clear to me that she didn't know that I had been in immense pain for the preceeding 6 months.
I tell you all of this for a couple of reasons.
First, when I first read your initial post it sounded to me like she didn't know how to help you. That, in itself, is not terrible - as long as she does something to figure it out before you are hurt. It sounded to me like she is trying to buy some time for herself - and if she used that time to figure out how to help you, I think that would be OK.
Second, you sounded an awful lot like me in that you NEED your therapist. I understand so completely.
Third, you need to hear that even when someone NEEDS their therapist, that the therapist might not be able to meet their needs. And that if the patient has to change therapists, that the patient can survive (and even thrive). I wish I could be back with my old therapist now. I really miss her, I miss the comfort that she gave me. But it is SO clear to me that the therapist who I idolized was *hurting* me. Because she didn't know what to do to help me. I made the right choice, absolutely.
I wanted you to send her the Flashback letter, because if she knew what was going on, then she would have a better chance of coming up with something that will help you. If she is worried that she doesn't know how to help you because she doesn't know what is wrong, then the letter would help.
The email was to let her know that you want to have a dialog about how you will work together. You are right that she shouldn't be deciding these things on her own.
Would she accept a teddy bear? Mine would never do that. She almost didn't accept a cupcake I brought to celebrate our anniversary, but then she decided it was OK (because it was chocolate?). I have my own Teddy Bear, who gives me great comfort. If you don't already have one, soft and cuddly bears are very helpful.
You said: but she has admitted to me that in all her years of experience, she had never had so much difficulty or encountered so much difficulty with a patient. I think that you should ask about a consultation, supervision, or a referral (I know, don't panic - if I survived anyone can survive).
poster:fallsfall
thread:257321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/257392.html