Posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 13:56:20
Hi..
I'm sorry for writing this..
but I just don't know what to do or how to feel things will be okay...
I had shared about the relationship I have developed with my therapist. I trust her deeply and I trust in the strength of the bond we share. And in everything we've been through. I feel I owe her my life in a way..She really changed my life and gave me hope for the first time and taught me so much...she taught me to trust ...I was sexually abused as a child and she was the first one I told this to , and the first person I let so close to my heart. I do feel her in my heart..and I do believe in everything she's given me..in how she has reached out to me and always been there for me.
So maybe this is just a misunderstanding and something that will be worked out..
I may be writing this out of the despair and deep fear I'm feeling...
i have difficulty sharing...out loud...talking...
I do write her ..lately we had been reading letters together in our session as a way to help me share..
she told me I can't keep running away from what I feel and from myself. I was beginning to make baby steps to trust and share more at least bringing letters to her or showing her more about what I feel.
Our last session was hard..I experienced a flashback in front of her, but didn't tell her. I just burst out into tears and couldn't stop and she had no clue about what was happening to me or why I was crying and I wanted her to ask me but I could't get myself to say the words...I couldn't say...I was feeling as if someone were hurting me right there and as if she could see that and turned away..I know that's not real and it's not that she's leaving me at the mercy of someone doing that to me...but that's what my heart felt..
I left in a very bad shape...but not exactly because of her..and at the same time I felt relieved cause I was able to cry instead of keeping things inside and cause I was with her and not alone as I usually am when that happens to me.
Well she asked me to write a letter to her, sharing what I had been unable to share..I did. I wrote a letter pouring my heart out, bringing things to the surface I've always kept hidden, sharing with her and holding on to the hope of knowing I would share with her ...and stop hiding... That gave me hope.
But today I received an email...saying she's ill and cannot see me and I understand that..but then she goes on to say that our sessions have been too tough and difficult and hard lately for me..and that she thinks it's better for us just to write each other for the time being.
THis came as a huge surprise cause I wasn't expecting it at all and it hurt me terribly and it took away my sense of safety and I'm here not knowing what to do.
It takes away all my resources for feeling safe because everything is built around my being able to feel her close to my heart...
All my hopes are built around her :o(
Knowing me as she does, and knowing what happened to me and what I'm struggling with now, I can't think of how she could ever ever think that this is the best for me...that running away and hiding in emails and leaving me alone is the best for me.
Even if sessions are hard...is the alternative to just leave me to deal with all those hard things but by myself?? I Just don't understand...I had actually been feeling I was making progress...in baby tiny steps (at least I had been able to cry and express emotions with her)...but the fact that she doesn't think I am making progress just makes me feel everything falls apart.
it's hard to explain it here...
It hurts me more than I could express that she's deciding something without talking to me, without even asking me what happened to me our last session, without even asking how I'm feeling. She has no clue right now...and I can't understand how she can choose not to talk about what happened (even if sessions are hard right now)...
I don't understand, i'm really confused and I feel terribly scared...
She knows how much I fear abandonedment, how much I need her in my heart, how much I am really struggling.
[maybe I am not being clear about how much I do need her to be able to find some sense of safety..or to feel hopeful..or not to give in to self-injury...I'm not that strong right now and I was just beginning to deal with things...What gave me hope and strength is knowing I was not alone and she cared]
Maybe I am overreacting and this can be worked out...right?
I just feel very hurt that she has decided this without even telling me on the phone..and without stopping to think what this can do to me...
it makes me so sad cause I do trust her..and she knows my heart..then why is she doing this??
SOrry for sharing this..
just feeling so lost here, sitting in front of the computer, checking my mail all the time to see if she's replied to me..
Thank you for listening if you got this far..
Adia
poster:Adia
thread:257321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/257321.html