Posted by Adia on September 5, 2003, at 16:43:06
In reply to Re: Please help..feeling really confused.. » Adia, posted by fallsfall on September 5, 2003, at 15:46:49
Hi...
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me and for sharing your thoughts...
It helped me...I've been sitting in front of this computer since 9 am when I got her mail..Thank you for sharing your thoughts about this...
I am feeling really lost right now..Thank you for sharing and for helping me try to understand...and for helping me feel less lost.I've been seeing her for around 3 years, we've been through so much together, and we've had some hard times too...but she has always been there for me and changed my life in lots of ways...She made such a difference to me. The thought of losing her (I can't help having that thought) terrifies me. I just am so afraid she might get tired of me and decide to stop working with me.
I do have difficulties talking. I tell myself all the time "I will let it all out" but then I can't. In our past sessions I had started bringing letters and we had been reading together and that was a change..and she liked that...cause she said it was a way for me to share and be there and listen to my own thoughts ..out loud...and face things instead of running away. It has helped to be able to write..because I really find it hard to be able to go deep into things...I guess I may be afraid of feeling too much, of being too vulnerable...and I have never ever in my life shared my feelings...so it's like learning to speak..
She told me many times that e-mailing her, as I sometimes do, is different because I don't have to face the other person's reaction and it's not risky...but that to heal I do need to learn to talk...
That's why it surprises me that she has decided this without telling me..I can't understand...She does psychoanalysis mainly, I am not sure if she does anything else? But she's a psychologist and she does psychotherapy. She has a private office by herself. I found her through a friend who knew her and had seen her for a brief time. She's experienced, more than 20 years..but she has admitted to me that in all her years of experience, she had never had so much difficulty or encountered so much difficulty with a patient. She is around 50-something, I'm 27..I do trust her deeply..as much as I can trust someone..I have never trusted anyone the way I trust her..I progress at a very slow pace...very slow....
and she says it is frustrating sometimes for her...'cause I ask desperately for help, desperately, she sees how deep I'm hurting and when she offers that help I don't quite take it...She has told me how she's done things for me or tried different things with me, to help me trust..She has tried so hard with me...and has done so much to show me I could trust her..
And I do trust her but she wants more...She really helped me feel I wanted to live...and maybe she doesn't even know the ways in which she changed my life.
In our last sessions I felt I was making more progress, she feels so happy when I can share something, and she tells me so..and I feel her with me...It hurts to realize that she didn't think or doesn't think I'm making progress. She didn't quite tell me this now. She didn't write that in her mail. She just wrote that our sessions right now were too painful and hard for me and that's why she thought that for the time being we should just write each other. I don't understand why she decided this..
I guess maybe she is frustrated and wants to push me..so I react..
I still haven't sent her the letter about the flashback..I wanted so much to be able to read it with her in our next session..I am so silly sometimes but you know what..I had bought a teddy bear..and had written a note saying he had come just to bring my letter and I wanted to give it to her...
It hurts that we won't share that..I will try to be patient and not think the worst...I don't want to lose her and I'm so afraid she might want to give up on me..
I know it is so frustrating for her...I have emailed her telling her I really think we should talk about this together...and explaining how I was feeling about this and how much I am needing her..I just hope she agrees to see me. I feel so lost without having that chance..I get through the days hanging on to that time I will have with her.
Sorry for rambling on...
Maybe it helps to share that things haven't been easy but now I do feel our bond is stronger and I felt her in my heart and I trust her...
we had one crisis or hard time last year...in which she didn't see me for a time, she wanted me to really take the decision to do something, and see a psychiatrist to take some medication..and she saw me once I saw one...but it hurt just as much to be left alone.I feel that maybe she's doing this to make me react but I don't know..I fear she may be tired of me...I am terrified of losing her..I don't know exactly what I should do, I really want to work things out with her.
I have emailed her and I guess I'll have to somehow be strong and wait to see what she says...
I left a message in her answering machine asking her to please please talk with me..
THank you for your suggestions and for writing back...
It helps and i am hanging on real tight to what you've shared...
Thank you so much, it means a lot to me right now..
Thanks again.
Adia.
> You are in a very difficult position.
>
> First, I'm so glad that you have someone who you can trust, who you feel can help you. That is so important. Can you tell me a little bit about her? What kind of therapy does she do (CBT, Psychodynamic, Eclectic, etc.)? How long has she been practicing? Is she in a group, or does she have an office by herself? How did you find her? How long have you been seeing her?
>
> I can certainly understand reading letters in the session. There have been many times when I have sat in a session and tried to talk, but wasn't able to. I'd sit there trying to make words come out of my mouth for 15 minutes. But if there was something I knew that I needed to talk about, I would journal (and that usually made the whole topic clearer to me). Then in the next session I might try to talk, but not be able to. So I would get out my journalling and try to read it. Sometimes I couldn't even read it. Then I would give it to her to read. Then she knew what the topic was, and we could usually go on from there. As I was reading your post I thought that it might be helpful during a session when you can't talk to write instead. I never tried it (and now I have a different therapist), but it might help.
>
> Have you sent her the letter describing the flashback? If you were planning to bring it to your next session, I might suggest sending it instead.
>
> Did she say that she thought you weren't making progress, or that the sessions were too difficult, or both?
>
> I think that you should send her an email telling her that you would like to have in person sessions, not just email. You can explain why it is important to you (not being alone, that she provides safety for you). Tell her that you want to be able to talk to her about how the two of you should handle this. See what she says.
>
> She may not be sure how she can best help you. It may be distressing for her to see you going through so much pain. Usually, therapists have someone lined up for "Supervision". That's when the therapist talks about her cases and can get some feedback or other suggestions. It might help her to get another opinion on your case. Another thing that is done is to go for a consultation. This means that you go to see a different therapist for a small number of sessions (I want to say 1 - 4, but I don't know if that is accurate). Then the consulting therapist usually writes a summary for the regular therapist (but I think they could talk as well) about what they see are the issues and problems and solutions.
>
> It sounds to me like you have had a rough life, and that you are working very hard to resolve your problems. I saw nothing in your post that indicated to me that you had done anything wrong - in fact you have done a lot of things right.
>
> My advice is to make sure she gets the flashback letter, send an email so she knows how you are feeling about not seeing her in person.
>
> Then eat ice cream.
>
> You may need to wait a little to get this all straightened out. But it sounds like you are a survivor and you will get through this.
>
> Rent a lot of movies, do something with your friends, distraction is very valuable. Try not to be alone (even if you don't want to see anybody). Ask a friend to keep an eye on you. And let us know how it goes.
poster:Adia
thread:257321
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030905/msgs/257372.html