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Re: Something you wrote a few days ago » vwoolf

Posted by antigua on September 23, 2004, at 9:23:19

In reply to Something you wrote a few days ago » antigua, posted by vwoolf on September 21, 2004, at 14:24:45

Gosh, it's hard sometimes to review a post and say, "I wrote that? What was I thinking?"
I'm all over the place sometimes.

I'm not really sure how negative identification works. gg??

I have huge abandonment issues with my mother. She left me, sent me away many, many times when I was child. She often told me of people who wanted to adopt me. As a child, I firmly believed that if I was just "good enough" she wouldn't send me away again. I am still that perfect daughter to her, mostly because I am afraid that if I anger her, she will cut me off, just as she has done with several of my siblings.

My abandonment issues are complicated by an unexpressed anger (o.k., probably rage) I have toward my mother that she repeatedly put me in unsafe situations where I was abused by my father and grandfather. She didn't protect me.

So my T says in order to be close to her (the abandonment issue) I identify w/her by doing what she used to do: drink. It's a way to make myself feel closer to her. Now I could have picked a positive identification (did I have any?) but my self-destructiveness made me choose this route.

As I said, I don't know how it really works, but it surprised me when my T said it. I thought it was more related to my father. Actually, my own drinking is related to him in the sense that I've identified what makes me drink when I am trying to quit and I impulsively pick up a drink: it's that moment when the pain/feelings of terror, anticipation and confusion overwhelm me. I haven't been able to get to the other side of this, yet, to go through these feelings and come out on the other side. I think this is why my T says she thinks I will be o.k. (regarding drinking) once I do work through this. That said, I've been working on this a very long time.

I thank partlycloudy for pointing out her ultimate trigger: not wanting to be alone. It made me identify that thing that makes me want to obliterate myself so I don't have to succumb to feelings, which at this point, still overwhelm me, I can't get a handle on them.

antigua


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poster:antigua thread:391514
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040722/msgs/394053.html