Posted by special_k on April 7, 2006, at 10:10:41
In reply to Re: Boundaries with Mothers, posted by cricket on April 7, 2006, at 7:49:21
> I do talk to her though a couple of times a month. Mostly because of my son - he has a bit of a relationship with her, which I don't want to deprive him of because he really doesn't have any other family.
does he seem to enjoy her company
(i'm just wondering whether the family ties are worth it)> Yeah it's hard. Sometimes you just don't want to rock the boat and it's easier just to let them blab away and ignore it as best you can.
yeah. and i kinda feel sorry for my dad too. just feel mad / frustrated with him sometimes.
> It's great you can do that much. I think my mother wants that too. Wants me to say "oh i know how difficult it is and how you suffer, blah, blah, blah"
yeah. i can only do it in small doses. and i find myself biting my lip one hell of a lot. it is really hard. as a kid i didn't know hwo to deal with her. couldn't face her really. but then it was just the two of us. it was freaky meeting her and other people a while back. i noticed how other people delt with her. and sometimes i was like omg i just have to try that (basically just change the topic of conversation and go 'hey gee wow look at that' and that will distract her onto something else!!!!!) i mean omg that saves how much time of sitting there gritting ones teeth while she lectures you on how upset she is about something or other that happened half a year ago (which probly didnt even happen). sigh. it is hard.
> I have such a huge feeling of revulsion whenever I hear her voice though. I want to vomit, I feel like I need a shower, like bugs are crawling on me or something.i used to feel like that.
i did.
for so many years.
so many.
i hated her so much. so much. used to fantasise about killing her when i was a kid. a lot. but i only got really very serious about it once i was old enough to be put away for a very long time... ugh. horrible horrible memories / thoughts. but yeah i understand hatred i do.
> Last time she called she said, "Don't you think it's about time you did something with your life?"> I said, "I was thinking of taking up heroin. And then there's homicide of course. The murder rate has dipped far too low in New York. I really think I could turn that around."
> She was not amused.
> And the sad part is that I wasn't really joking. The temptation to do something self-destructive just to spite her is so great sometimes.yeah. i wonder if my SI is about that.
'cause she was destroying me on the inside
on the inside where nobody could see...:-(
:-(
:-(i dunno how to get away from this sh*t...
maybe it helps to talk about how things were (how you remember them to be in the sense of how you felt and stuff as a kid)
why?
in terms of the disgust etc...
but i have to admit what helped me the most in dealing with my mother...
was the interpersonal effectiveness skills i learned in DBT. why? 'cause who gives a f*ck about the dx (or lack thereof) my mother doesn't understand emotions and how her emotions rule her life (and the life of everyone else unless they know how to handle her emotions)
and in DBT...
i used emotion regulation skills on her (if that makes sense) she is getting wound up...
distract her
soothe her (couldn't manage that very often but distraction was much much easier)and for me too...
sarcasm... hatred... i think she could hear it and that would get her going good and proper... sigh... and we would wind each other up something chronic.
seeing how other people delt with her... amazing.
maybe you could talk about learning some strategies for dealing with her from your t?
maybe?
like what sorts of responses / comebacks to those kinds of comments. i dunno... i'm not very good at this either :-(
poster:special_k
thread:629668
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060220/msgs/630045.html