Posted by Tamar on August 6, 2005, at 8:58:38
In reply to Re: Wife wants a divorce, posted by BornAgainLover on August 6, 2005, at 3:30:02
Hi again,
I can see that you’re very keen to make your marriage work, and I think that’s highly commendable. I guess I have a couple more questions…
> 1. I know I have given her every reason to never trust me again. That's why I have come up with both goals AND an "action plan," very specific ways to overcome my bad habits and replacing them with good ones. For example:
> No internet at home.
> Only use internet at work, where it is very closely monitored.
> Let my wife know my whereabouts at all times.
> Carry a cell phone to maintain contact.Is this partly about avoiding temptation? If so, it might not be as effective as you hope. I say this because I think it’s difficult to renounce temptation by simply removing opportunities, as other opportunities can always be found. In my view, it’s best to explore why the temptation is there. And of course it’s difficult to live a life in which you have to tell your wife where you are all the time. I can imagine that she might want that, but it might be impossible in practice. It will take her a long time to rebuild trust, and trust means knowing you care about her even if she doesn’t know where you are.
> And above all: Always think before ANY action -- How would this make my wife feel?
A sensible idea!
> 2. Forsake all old contacts with men and do not put myself in a place to find new ones. I have already changed jobs so I will not be traveling any more. I have eliminated all chatting.
Good plan. I think that’s probably essential if you want to make a go of your marriage.
> 3. Can I really be heterosexual?? I think there will always be a little element of homosexuality, but I think I have satisfied the curiosity of the unknown (after wondering for 23 yrs) and have committed to physical, mentally and emotionally loving her and her alone for the rest of our lives.If you really think you can be heterosexual, then I think you have a good chance of making your marriage work. But I think you have to be brutally honest with yourself, because if you persuade her to return to you now, and in a couple of years you find you can’t be a husband to her after all, it could be very damaging for her.
> I believe that my current actions, goals, desires, and my "action plan" show that I am very serious this time. I have also allowed God back into my life. And He has truly created the miracle of allowing me to finally feel love for her and for others.It’s great that you feel love. That’s wonderful!
> Alas, deep down I feel that she will not reconsider under any circumstances and that I have absolutely no chance to show her how much I really value her and love her and want to create of our lives a three-way partnership with God.
Can you persuade her to do some couples counselling with you? Even if she doesn’t want to go on with the marriage it could be helpful for both of you, especially since you have children together. I can imagine she might be feeling very bitter and you might be feeling very guilty; you probably both have some strong emotions to work through.
> Yes, I have really screwed up big time, but I have admitted it to my church leaders (did I mention that they excommunicated me?) and have laid out all my sins so that I could "repent." In the process of kicking me out, I asked her about Jesus' admonition to "forgive seventy times seven" and she claims that she has already met that quota. So then I have to wonder if God is ever going to forgive me, either.
From everything I’ve been told about God, it seems to me that God does continue to forgive, even when we screw up big time. Perhaps it is harder for humans to forgive, but I’ve read that God is always interested in reconciliation. Maybe God understands us better than other humans can understand us. And maybe God is supremely compassionate. I really don’t think God wants to kick us when we’re down.
I hope things work out for you.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:537752
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050724/msgs/538237.html