Posted by BornAgainLover on August 5, 2005, at 4:24:56
I am 45 and have been married 23 years, but questioned my sexuality since I was 15. I "came out" to my wife about 8 yrs. ago, and we weathered that crisis, mainly because I had not acted on my thoughts. Four years ago, I accepted employment where I traveled frequently; while on these projects, I would go to adult bookstores to view gay porn in the arcades. That eventually led to some experimentation, at first just fondling other men. Later, I would chat with other married men and started meeting men locally.
I was also looking at gay porn on the computer at home. My two oldest sons (14 and 11 at the time) had caught me at the same time I came out to my wife, then caught me again in recent months. Last Oct., my wife and I had another falling out over this issue, but I "promised" (meaning insincerely on my part) that I would quit the porn. I did for about 4 months, but got back into it. She kicked me out of the house about 6 weeks ago and has vacillated about whether to go through with her desire to divorce me or to consider letting me back. One time she told our Mormon bishop she would work on it, then another time she told me she could never love me again.
Meanwhile, God has worked a miracle in my life. This is going to sound far-fetched to some, but I have come to recognize love in my own heart for the first time in my life. Although I never told my wife that I didn't love her, I did tell her that I didn't know within myself whether I loved her. But now I know that feeling of love. It has truly changed my life.
Unfortunately, it now appears that it is too late. Any hope for me? I would love to get back together with my wife to show her by my actions that I truly love her. One of the ways I can do that is to always think before I act, "How would this make my wife feel?" But I don't think she will ever consider it. Help!!!!
poster:BornAgainLover
thread:537752
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050724/msgs/537752.html