Posted by sunny10 on July 22, 2005, at 11:27:11
In reply to Re: husbands and sex **possible trigger** » B2chica, posted by alexandra_k on July 19, 2005, at 20:01:26
can you please him and have him please you in ways other than just intercourse to keep away the "person on top of you" feelings?
He needs the release (this is why he's not hugging or kissing you- he isn't trying to be cruel). To him, the hugging and kissing excites him a great deal and he knows that there is little to no chance for a release from his excitement, so he "doesn't want to start anyting".
Then you read his actions (or non-actions!) as he doesn't love you anymore which is not true unless he tells you that he doesn't love you (at a time he's not angry or frustrated with you).
It IS a vicious cycle. Perhaps you can try things that make YOU the initiator/agressor instead of him- to take back your power.
Also, if you are nervous/afraid/disgusted then you are not lubricating fully and sex will seem rough, when in fact it would seem normal if you were properly lubricated. Keep this in mind. It is easy to villify others, but sometimes the person you hurt most by doing so is yourself. Try lubricants.
Please do not let yourself think that all men are horrible "including my husband", or that he doesn't love you. I can't find proof in that from what you wrote.
If he didn't love you, he would look elsewhere for his physical satisfaction and wouldn't be "pestering" you at all.
Having said all this, however, I want you to remember that "no" means "no" always. Including when your husband asks you to role-play in a way that makes you feel cheap and dirty. Try to imagine a few scenarios of your own (where you are in charge) and suggest those instead of whatever he suggests that makes you cringe.
I do believe that sexual expression is just as important to humans as all other types of expression. You know that sex is not a horrible thing. I realize that you are still working through your emotions- but I can tell by the fact that you are in therapy to get through that painful time, you in fact believe that what happened to you was an aberration.
And you know that rape is about power, not about sex. You husband isn't trying to overpower you- he is trying to express his love in the only way that he knows how.
Perhaps he is less evolved than Damos, who obviously knows how to love without sex!! (and I love him, too) But please don't be scared of your hubby just 'cause he doesn't know other ways to show you he's in love with you.
Give him the benefit of the doubt while you work on your therapy. I think you will find that it becomes easier to let go of the hurt when you embrace the love of your husband.
Talk to him. I really don't think he remembers what you told him way back when he was drunk. If you truly want a loving relationship, you owe it to him to tell him what happened. And to let him help you in whatever ways he can think of. At the very least, he will understand why you are a reluctant lover. Tell him you are in therapy to get through the pain and be able to move past it.
Keeping this bottled up, unwilling to share it with your husband, makes it a heavier burden than it was to begin with. Try not to add to your own misery.Best of luck,
sunny10ps. try the Kama Sutra's Oil of Love. I don't know who all carries it, but I know "Lotions and Potions" sells it online.
poster:sunny10
thread:531367
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050627/msgs/531526.html