Posted by antigua3 on February 5, 2009, at 9:34:50
The above post by Sharon7 about how we test our relationships with our Ts, and how important it is in developing trust, really triggered me because of something I'm going through right now.
I feel totally abandoned by both my T and pdoc right now and I'm sincerely ready to call it quits. I think I've had enough of this game, and maybe it's time for me to just deal with all this myself. I say this after almost 18 years w/my T and three plus years w/my pdoc, although we have only been doing actual therapy for a year or so.
About 10 days ago, I had a major meltdown in a session w/my pdoc. Not crying hysterically (wish I could), but we went to a very deep spot that was incredibly painful. He was kind, as compassionate as it is possible for him to be (he didn't have to say much; I was the one doing the agonizing talking) and listened w/o condemning me for feelings I have about my father.
I left the session feeling probably the worst ever. He asked if I was OK to go home, and as the good patient, I, of course, said yes. I really wasn't, but I handled it.
The weather cooperated w/an ice storm on my next visit w/my T, two days after my meltdown. But I wasn't going anyway because I wasn't going to face those feelings w/her. Probably a mother thing, not wanting to "burden" her.
I couldn't seem to shake the horrible way I was feeling after this session, so I wrote to my pdoc, pouring out my heart and pain. I don't see him again until next week and I couldn't wait that long for help, and writing often helps, although he would prefer me to "talk" rather than write.
This week, my T had to change my appt time (this never happens) and I couldn't make it, so no T this week. I had sent her a copy of what I had written to my pdoc w/a note adding that I had cancelled the week before because it was too painful.
Here, a week later, I sit, w/no response from either one of them. At this point, if either responded, it would be too late. The damage has been done.
Was I testing them? Maybe my pdoc, but not my T. It feels like this is the little girl who actually did call out for help and nobody responded. Being ignored is one of the most triggering things possible for me.
I understand why I wrote to my pdoc. I've done some research this week on chemical changes in the brain for PTSD patients and I understand now that what I've been feeling is entirely normal, so that made me feel pretty good. More like it's the way I'm wired, rather than being some needy freak (only me I'm talking about here!), which is what I usually feel like.
What hurts the most is knowing in my heart that this was different from previous attempts to "test" my Ts. This is the deepest and most painful place I've ever gone and the message in return is "Learn to deal with this yourself."
So this morning I got to thinking, this is enough. Needing them is no longer in my best interests, it really isn't. I'm not going to get what I need from them, I have to find it w/in myself. I have engaged in no destructive behavior since this rejection, which is great, but I have been unable to work. I have been functioning w/my family, which is great, and I have been sick, which has given me an excuse to spend more time in bed. Spending too much time in bed is definitely a sign of depression for me, and I do feel depressed, I'll admit to that.
My pdoc is sending me the message that I need to handle this on my own, but it's too harsh for the depth of my feelings right now. He doesn't care the way I need him to, and I don't even know how I need him to. But his lessons are too harsh for me. He's not there when I need him, and I have to fulfill this need on my own. While this may be the learning process he believes I have to go through, it is very cruel. I'm seriously thinking of not going back.
My T is just being careless; I don't think she has any understanding of the bad place I'm in because as I've mentioned before, she is distracted now. I'm not sure why, and it's her business, but it brings forth feelings of a mother who didn't care enough.
But nobody could care enough, probably. I have to care enough and while this so painful, I have to handle this on my own now.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:878199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878199.html