Posted by lucie lu on February 7, 2009, at 3:49:56
In reply to Re: Testing - trigger » antigua3, posted by DAisym on February 6, 2009, at 22:45:51
> And I just have to say - that this is highly likely, mostly a survivor issue. Less about transference, though that certainly plays into it, less about even therapy. This is pure, raw pain with no where to go and no one to help hold it. Old, old stuff - unhealed wounds, shame, confusion, love and betrayal and somatic elements too. It just F&&king sucks! Which is why when you go this deep, imo, you need frequent sessions.
I think Daisy may have misunderstood what I meant by transference in this context. As my T is always saying, that is the problem with using "technical" terms to describe non-technical things. And I always reply, but I have no other words to describe some of these things.
What I meant by transference here is the experience of being sent back into the past to not just remember, but to relive the traumatically painful feelings of the past. For me, it is a form of PTSD flashback. Since dissociation is one of my problems, barriers between past and present can fall away in a really tangible sense and I am psychologically propelled back into the past, with all of its trauma and accompanying feelings. Raw is a good way of putting it.
This happened to me less than two weeks ago. I was stressed for various reasons and then triggered by certain interactions within my family. What was going on in the present was so similar (albeit nowhere near as serious, probably not even harmful, if I look at it objectively) to my childhood experiences growing up, that I felt literally propelled into the past. I felt like I became that child again, with the full force of all those feelings. I even came, for a while, to be each of my parents in what might technically be called "identification with the aggressor" (another example of using a technical term to describe what I have no other words for). This then lead in a circular way to self-hate in that child, which only amplified her pain. So it became a chain-reaction that led to psychological meltdown. This was nothing I could reveal to anyone IRL, not family, friends, or work - who would understand? Except my T, who saw me 3x a week for the two weeks I was in this state and who supported me until this ran its course. (Although of course then I reacted some to the intensified feelings of closeness something like Daisy described.) Then we could finally talk about it. But when it was happening, talking about it only threw fuel into the fire. I guess this might be considered some form of psychotic break (another term!) but I am calling it a transference storm because it is essentially based on mistaking the past for the present. I apologize to anyone who took the term to refer to a more bloodless experience. The last thing I'd want is to seem dismissive of the experience of anyone who goes through or, like you, is going through this.
Because I went through my own experience so recently, and the pain is still raw in me, I identified strongly with your feelings. It would have been devastating if my T had not been available the past couple of weeks, adding abandonment to everything else. If I seemed to sidestep the painful aspects and focused more on all the emergency self-care and positive self-talk I could think of (and can only sometimes do for myself), that is why. Sometimes it feels like is a matter of survival, at least until the emotional storm passes.
But when you feel like that, you also feel devastatingly alone. It is well documented that one of the hallmark aspects of trauma is that no one comforted the traumatized child. So there is nothing as comforting and supportive as empathy from others who truly understand. Daisy also talked not only of trauma but of her intense feelings for her T. I know these feelings. It is like finding the loving parent or rescuer you longed so much for as a child, only to have them slip through your fingers: joy accompanied by aching grief. Sometimes I wonder how they really expect us to survive this, although I guess we somehow do in the end.
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:878199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878679.html