Posted by rskontos on February 6, 2009, at 23:05:46
In reply to Re: Ruptures w/ our Ts ( interminably long respons » rskontos, posted by antigua3 on February 6, 2009, at 22:15:41
Thanks Antigua,
Well here goes, this is still new and not completely assimiliated so bear with me.
What I came to the conclusion is this: that due to our trauma and since we were children, our trust in ourselves is low, even in some cases non-existent. Our expectations is to be let down. We, I do it too, sometimes disclose to see if the person we are trying to trust is trustworthy. We have been burned. We know we can survive being burned again although we deeply desire the first-time real experience of true trust being returned we don't really think it exists. So we will take something out of our closet, lay it out there, to say see how bad I am, how damaged, how unlovable I really am, and then we sit back to watch that person fly away. We expect that to happen. We have a script in our head and maybe one or two even and so we don't trust ourselves to be lovable or likable or even worthy even that even someone we pay to be will really be there. We don't believe in ourselves either because ultimately we don't want to be hurt by others or by ourselves either.
We don't want to love ourselves, or parent ourselves or any of that because we don't know how. We weren't shown how. We aren't sure of ourselves enough to even trust ourselves to do that right. Most of the time people let us down. Sometimes even ourselves.
I think you got great advice. Don't walk away, because right now you'd be walking away from you more than anything else. You need to take care of this, you need to RISK this for you. You need to accept antigua for whom she really is.
Someone worthy.
The fact is both your T and your p-doc see better the progress you have made. You may not feel it yet, but they see it. Maybe that is why they don't understand the pain you are in right now. Maybe you are in your head so much that you only hear, little antigua's pain, you can't hear anything else but the same ole' recording that everything is out of reach, that they don't care, etc etc. It is so hard for us to see the progress we have made and not to fall back on our old recordings in our head when we feel shaky and not sure of what might be going on with the others we view as important to us, like your t and p-doc. You want so much to depend on them and yet not to. Ying and Yang pulling because the little one wants someone to be her good mommy but is afraid it doesn't really exists.
Your p-doc is doing what he thinks is best. It is up to you to tell him what part works and what doesn't. Just like your children tell you when you do things they don't like. You might as a parent listen you might not. He probably is not aware how shaky this left you. You need to share it. and perhaps he will compromise on this. Tell him what you need.
Ask your t what is going on. Only with talking will it start to get better. Too often we think we know what is going on when we are being more negative than we should, another thing my p-doc gently pointed out. Something I was incapable of hearing, and more crying ensued.
I realized this after my session-- A long time after, that I was refusing to risk anything in therapy. I wanted 100% guarantee and my p-doc gently suggested life just doesn't work that way. Now I did not leave it on a good note, I left crying all upset, refusing to hear him, and saying that is exactly why I don't trust the world. I had to replay his words over and over to start to understand what he was really saying.
I, using my dissociative ways, and all my parts, have survived but in the process I am not taking any risks in life. I am trying to be too safe. To the point where I am not really living I am stuck. I don't trust the world. Including him, most all people. And that means I will miss out of most things. I will missread alot of things. All kinds of relationships take risks. Even a mother and child relationships have risks. Your children can hurt you, but no mother really cares about that right? I mean you still have your children and try to do the best you can. But you still as a mother can and will hurt.
And so in that respect, a relationship with our t's will be risky. As it needs to be. And we need to expect it to be and know it will be ok.
I hope this made sense.
I hope it helps in your pain. take care my friend. I do understand.
rsk
there is so much more but this is already too long. forgive me
poster:rskontos
thread:878199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878652.html