Posted by antigua3 on February 6, 2009, at 14:56:53
In reply to Ruptures w/ our Ts ( interminably long response!) » antigua3, posted by lucie lu on February 6, 2009, at 10:36:13
I read this through several times to make sure I didn't miss anything.
You made me cry. Your insights were on mark, but also incredibly painful. You told me everything I would tell someone else, but it's so much easier to give advice than to take it.
Thank you so much.
Here's my thinking after reading:
1. The triad I've created between my pdoc, T and I is reflective of my childhood experiences. I'm aware of this and need to work on it. It's a problem I created by putting a male pdoc between my T and me.
2. I love my T and she's obviously going through something IRL that I'm not aware of and I need to talk to her about this. Despite what I said in anger, she would never leave me hanging intentionally unless something was wrong. Maybe I'm afraid to find out what's wrong, but I need to let her know how I'm feeling. We are too close to let these things disrupt what we've accomplished together over the years.
What's going on w/her is a direct trigger for me of abandoment by my mother at various stages of my childhood and early adulthood. I need to deal with this and running away isn't going to solve the problem.
3. My pdoc's actions and intentions are hard for me to read. I've made this doubly difficult with my pattern, as I've already said, of revealing intimate details, being ashamed, and then doing my hit and run thing. I need to break this pattern and work through it. But I still don't know if I can trust him. I thought I had expressed my needs very openly, but maybe I haven't. I've told him how important he is to me and the feelings he evokes, mostly shameful ones that are almost impossible for me to deal with right now because we have gone so deep.
I know he intentionally didn't contact me after my letter. Why? is the question that needs to be answered. Maybe he does think I'm stronger than I am, but I'm still that sad little girl who doesn't know were to turn for help. Afraid to trust, afraid of being hurt again.
I'm tired of being strong. I thought I was screaming for help, but I feel like I'm still not being heard. How do I explain to the little girl inside that she was ignored, as I feel like I'm being ignored now. How do I even soothe her when I don't have the answers. Are we being ignored because our communication isn't or wasn't clear? or because he really doesn't care? It's hard to find the truth here and I can't understand why he won't reach out to help. I can't help but think this is intentional, but I will try to talk to him about this. Such a sad little girl, and I'm at a loss as to how to help her.
I can't write anymore now, it's too tough. But thank you,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:878199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878510.html