Posted by antigua3 on February 5, 2009, at 12:14:07
In reply to Re: Testing our relationships with our Ts (long) » antigua3, posted by Dinah on February 5, 2009, at 11:29:19
Your memory isn't off at all, Dinah. You're right.
I think I view the relationship as a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde one. I can't remember which one was the kind one, but when my pdoc has been helpful--which has been in helping me to deal with issues that arise today--I have very warm thoughts toward him and have been grateful. He has taught me some invaluable coping skills. I will also add that he was kind to me in the last, terribly difficult, session.
But when he's the other character, I admit I can't see straight. He is too much of an authority figure in my life and because of my father I have terrible outcomes with authority figures, which I realize is a reason to try to see this through to conclusion. Admittedly, my fear is that the outcome will be no different and I want to run, and he knows that because we've discussed this frequently. This is a pattern I go through--reveal intimate details, feel ashamed and run. But this time I reached out for help and no help is forthcoming. Struggling alone and pulling myself up by my bootstraps doesn't work for feelings from my past that are so much more emotional.
Holding opposing views of him at the same time is practically unbearable because I can't do that w/my father. My overwhelming feeling toward my father is love, and I have a terrible time w/accepting or feeling the anger or rage that I should feel about the great harm he did to me. I'd rather forgive him then face it.
My pdoc will say that I shouldn't give him power over my feelings. I need to take responsibility for how I feel. That sounds reasonable, but it also conveniently allows him to abdicate any responsibility for his role in reviving these feelings and the feelings of abandonment it evokes when he ignores me.
He will also say that I'm incapable of accepting an authority figure as kind or compassionate and again, I'd rather run than deal with that. He's right, probably.
But, of course, we don't even have a relationship according to him, and while I can kind of see what he's saying (and we've talked about it), that's still very invalidating to me and leaves me hanging on my own. I'm not sure I have the strength for this view anymore, and I don't think it's healthy.
I've struggled w/the balancing act, and gotten through it pretty well at times, but this time it feels like the straw that broke the camel's back.
Thanks so much for your thoughts,
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:878199
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090129/msgs/878223.html