Posted by sunnydays on February 22, 2008, at 17:25:59
In reply to Re: therapy lately, posted by Wittgensteinz on February 21, 2008, at 2:47:08
> SD,
>
> When reading your post, one of my thoughts was: if 'no' is a topic you are discussing at the moment, and that you tend to take it on yourself as a personal rejection when another person says 'no' to you, then discussing a very important request with your T where the answer could be 'no' (or yes), would give you the chance to work through these feelings with him in a more direct way.**** That's what I was thinking too. On the other hand, I am in a group and at our meeting last night I found out that another person thinks I'm selfish and that she doesn't like me, and that hurt a lot, so I imagine we'll be talking about that in my session tomorrow.
>
> Perhaps one way of breaching the topic would be to tell him that there is something you would very much like to ask/request but you are too afraid the answer will be 'no' and how that 'no' will affect you.
>**** I'm almost positive I would have to frame it that way if I ever want to ask it.
> I asked my T this same question (asking for a hug) some months ago. Well, not exactly, I wrote in a mail that it was something I sometimes felt a desire for during the long vacation when I was missing him - so I didn't specifically ask him for a hug. He took it as a direct request though and said 'no' (I wish we could have explored it differently but never mind - I don't know if the desire scared him somehow) - his words were something like "Witti, we could hug and it would be nice but it wouldn't help you in the end". This response really upset me at the time and I still hope that one day, perhaps when I terminate (whenever that will be), that I can hug him goodbye (I see him as a father figure - my own father never hugged me growing up (or now - and I only see him a few times a year). It was hard to have this response but it was also a powerful learning moment.**** I wish you could bring it up before termination, and just talk about the misunderstanding. I've written about wanting a hug, but he's never brought it up. I've also said in my emails that I'm not sure that I really want one, however, because it's probably better in my imagination. I hope that you can feel that your T still cares about you even though his answer is no. Did you feel caring in his response?
I think a lot can be gained from this conversation, whatever the answer might be. I should say my T is an analyst and by nature analysts tend to keep strict boundaries in regard to physical contact (we always shake hands when I arrive and leave but that's it).
**** That's the impression I had. However, I'm jealous you get to shake his hand. It would be much too formal for the relationship I have with my T for me to shake his hand, I think. But we have pretty much no physical contact except for the two times in the three years I've been seeing him where he put his hand on my shoulder as I was leaving or rubbed my upper arm. And then when he high-fives me.
>
> I guess I would say to only go further with this when you are ready and feeling stable in your relationship with your T. You said that it's been up and down lately - maybe a potential 'down' would not be good timing right now.**** Yeah, I think it will have to wait until I'm more secure about this other person not liking me. I was only thinking of bringing this up because I've had a really good week and been in an extremely good place all week - it didn't even devastate me that this person didn't like me, when before I KNOW I would have been crying my eyes out and incredibly hurt.
>
> I would instead explore with him what it would mean to you (and what it would mean to him) if he would say 'no' to something that was important for you.
>**** That's a good idea. I might try that at some point in the future. We've done a little of that, but not really with that context in my mind.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:813775
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/814135.html